...except when I don't.
The physical symptoms of being female are difficult to bear at times, but that is probably the smallest piece of it. Societal inputs affect the psyche, even when you're conscious of the ill-effects they bring. Being outside of the mainstream not only affects how people think of you, but also how you think of yourself.
I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman, but I can't help but feel certain ways about things that almost undermine everything else I believe in. I believe that women should take the initiative in asking men out.
But my inner voice tells me that he'll reject me if I do that. I believe that women should not be afraid to speak their mind and be as brazen as they please.
But every time I do it, I feel like a disclaimer is in order. I believe that women should not feel the "shoulds" of makeup and pantyhose and dressing for either other women or for what they think men want.
But when people tell me how much prettier I would be, or hell, like the woman who described me as a "masculine-looking woman", it makes me wonder whether or not I'm woman enough to find a decent guy.
You know, the logical part of my mind knows that most of this is bullshit. It's societal-based manipulations and conditioning, but if
everyone is subjected to that line of thinking (and, it's true, everyone is), then how can I really feel comfortable in stepping outside of that? I mean, really, I have emotions and instincts and desires just like everyone else, but can I fulfill those desires, can I meet those instincts when I'm so far removed from what I'm "supposed" to be?
It sucks sometimes, you know? The whole bit about being a girl, while at the same time, not being the girl that the mainstream wants me to be. Most of the time I'm happy, but some of the time I'm second-guessing myself.
I mean, here I am... I realized several months ago that I was falling in love with someone... someone I didn't expect to fall in love with. I still haven't said a word. Well, that's not true, I have, but I haven't done it in any kind of way that he would know. I haven't looked him in the eye and said, "****, I think I've fallen in love with you." Why? I hate the answers that I know are true.
1) Because girls don't do that.
2) What if he rejects me?
3) How could I ever look him in the eye again?
4) I don't want to lose him.
5) I'm not his type (though I'm not even sure I know what his "type" is).
6) He's not interested in me like that.
And the other girls say I'm chicken. That I'm silly. That I'm being a girl about this. And you know what? They are right. I am. I'm being that mainstream, "society tells me I should...", stereotypical girl that you see on television and in magazines and in books.
Because that's what I've been taught. And whether I actively pursue it or not, somehow it has infected me. Whether it's who I am most of the time or not, whether it's something that I fight against, it's always still there.
But, for the most part, it's rare. For the most part, I don't get into that.
For the most part, I DO enjoy being a girl... and the rest of the time, I ride it out and wait until it's over and I can move back into the happy parts again.
Never do I wish I were a guy... no matter how many times they say "MAN, I'm glad I'm a guy. I don't know how you women do it." I still know that even under the pain and heartbreak and giving in to the societal urges, I LIKE being a girl. I like sometimes wearing makeup and looking cute and all the things that I said in Part I.
Even when it's hard.
~FG };^>
