I have come to realize that these days I am desperately seeking distractions from whatever real things are going on in my life.  Working insane hours and exhausting myself, fighting with a very close friend (although "fighting" seems like quite the understatement) and peeving at another, death touching my life, it all just wears on me.

Amanda told me the other day that she had never seen me be *such* a girl about a boy before.  Probably because I never so much needed the distraction.  It's a relief to let myself yammer on and on about something silly that, in the grand scheme of things, makes little to no difference at all.  Even when I am worrying or sad or frustrated, I can take comfort in the fact that, as of right now, none of that matters.  The things that do matter, the drama and the pain, those are the things I know I can't avoid, they are the things I know I can't get rid of, but sometimes I just need a break from the drama.

I have tried so hard for so long to rid myself of messy drama and *just* when I think it's gone, it comes tearing right back again.

I am so tired.  I am completely worn out emotionally.  I haven't yet shut off, I haven't become entirely cold or emotionally stunted, but I'm starting to become afraid that it will hit me again soon.  It's a pattern that I fall into periodically, but I don't particularly want to do that again.

They say that things like deaths or births or marriages happen in threes.  I don't know if I truly believe that, but I am superstitious enough to be rather on edge waiting for another one to come down the pipes, since this month has brought two that touched me to varying degrees.

Throwing myself into my music with the goal of performing again.  It's the only distraction that seems to work at all right now.  Hopefully it will be my lasting lifeline to sanity, because right now I feel pretty on edge.  I'm not wanting to walk off the cliff of despair, but this middle ground isn't really the best place for a picnic either.

Dammit!  And I had such a nice week last week.  At least I can say that things were happy and light right up to the moment I learned about what this week would bring.

You know, the rain doesn't help any.

~FG };^/