I think that I am the kind of girl you marry.

The problem is that I'm not really interested in that, at this point in my life.  I want to date, and I want to date exclusively, but I don't want to go into *any* relationship thinking "This is it.  This is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."

First off, it's unrealistic and dangerous to play that game.  Secondly, I don't want to be or even just feel trapped like that.  Problem is that most of the guys I date seem to go in thinking this.  I can't even list the people who have said to me "...and I knew that you were the woman that I wanted to marry."  So far, the ones who haven't said that (or felt that way somewhere) are the ones who said "I like a girl with spirit" and meant "I like to break girls' spirits."

It's quite a pickle, really.  I find that the whole idea of a lifelong commitment freezes the blood in my veins.  Scares the hell out of me, mainly because I can't say that I'm going to be the same person for the rest of my life, let alone that (mysterious) he will, LET ALONE that we will change in compatible ways as we change (and we all know we will change, somehow).  Scary stuff, when you consider that too many people have wanted me forever...  when I probably always knew, on some level, that it just wasn't going to work out in the long term.

I think it's a categorization that all men and women fall into, but as we evolve and grow, we may step outside of out proscribed boxes.  I know I've met men who were simply not long-term relationship guys...  and when I was with them, when I was smart, I knew I didn't even want commitment out of that.  He's the guy that's real pretty and maybe makes good money, but there's not much personality.  And, let's be real honest, the lack of personality didn't really matter as long as he was good in bed.  That's they guy you date...  and that's really it.

I draw people in, like a flame to a moth.  Once they're drawn, they're loathe to leave until maybe they burn out or the spark just dies a little.

I wish I knew how to change that.  I don't want to be the kind of girl you marry, but I'm really happy just being myself.  Sometimes it's thoughts like this that really scare me.

~FG };^>