It's not really something that you can convey over the internet, a big personality, one that's overwhelming to many, one that dominates the aura of the room, it's just something you have or are, and only then in real life.

I find that my personality is certainly overwhelming to some, but refreshing to others.  I use large gestures and I really emote my words, phrases, body language.  Everything about me - my mannerisms, my tone of voice, is big, bordering on imposing.  I think, in part, that was something that led Sam to tell me that I reminded him of Janis.  I can see how she was probably the same way.

I think that too few people allow themselves to have big personalities.  It's intimidating, so women, at least, probably men too, though, will subdue themselves, not allow themselves to fully be that dynamic personality they could be.  I can't do that.  Or maybe I won't.  I'm not sure.

All I know is that I don't mind scaring people off sometimes if it allows me to be true to myself.  I don't mind if people are intimidated because if they feel that way *before* they get to know me, imagine how put off they'd be once they did.  I refuse to lie to myself about who I am, and I refuse to mislead others in the hopes of gaining their favor or attention.  Not that I need to try to gain attention, having a big personality just automatically leads to attention - both positive and negative.

I know I can be melodramatic.  It used to be that I was just a melodramatic person, but I have tempered with age and now I mock the melodrama by playing with it.  It's almost always tongue-in-cheek and next to always on purpose to make a point or for added emphasis.  Melodrama on the internet just doesn't convey, though.  There is a vast difference between belting out a song while walking down the street and typing "*sings [insert song here]*  It just doesn't translate.

I find that the more of myself I want to put out there, the more *actions* I try to use.  Being the obscure person I tend to be, I think most of my *actions* go right over people's heads.  I, accustomed to this, at this point.  I've decided to revel in my obscurity rather than banging my head against a wall trying to explain it to other people.  The few who get the references usually appreciate them.

I think that this is part of why I prefer to talk on the phone instead of IMing with people.  Not that I mind IM, but I'm usually pleased when people can hear the sarcasm in my voice, know how to pronounce "augh", understand the venom that's usually behind an outburst of "BAH!", etc.  They have an actual concept of how big my personality means and they can make a decision as to whether or not it's something they can handle or if they should now decide to be afraid of me, on whatever level.

Additionally, though, it gives them a better sense of what's behind those cold words on the flickering screen.  While I strive to convey exactly what I'm feeling and what I want to say, as I said above, it doesn't always translate.  I try my best, but until you understand more of the pieces that serve to create the person behind the persona (heh ;)), you just can't grasp most of what I'm actually trying to say, no matter how clear I think I'm being in the moment.

This internet age fascinates me.  I can't be the only person who notices things like personalities and suchlike not being conveyed, but I don't see it addressed very often.  It makes me wonder if people will alter their personalities to be clearer over the internet in this globally-reaching society of ours or if we will find better and clearer ways to convey what's really inside us.

Maybe we all just have to wait for video phones to be cheap and the calls to be charged in a manner more similar to internet service.

~FG };^>

I got to have a perfect moment today.  It was completely unexpected, but it absolutely made my day.  I was in kind of a bad mood.  Not really bad, just annoyed mostly.  I missed my connecting bus by about 2 minutes because the other bus was late and had to wait 25 minutes in the drizzling rush hour for the next one to come.  I was already feeling rushed, despite getting off work on time and still had to get to the store, buy food and cook dinner for the kid, who was waiting for me at home.

Out of nowhere I heard this rich baritone voice start singing one of my favorite songs - Summertime, from Porgy and Bess.  It blew my mind on this rainy springish winter's eve and made me stop to look around.  Being as self-conscious as I am without my guitar as a shield, I did not join my voice with his, though I was tempted.  Instead I just listened and appreciated the random music.

I had to say something when he was done.  I walked over to him and said "That was beautiful, you have a wonderful voice.  Thank you for sharing."  He melted from the compliment and proceeded to tell me his story for the day.  He hadn't slept in 24 hours and was working like mad (with a hottie I had been making eyes at for as long as I had been waiting ;)) doing random physical labor.  He was at the point of feeling zen (so we talked zen for a bit).  He had been lying on the floor listening to Nina Simone and just became inspired. 

We started talking about music, specifically about vocalists who had that sort of power to...  I don't know what...  power to make you FEEL what they are singing, what they are feeling, whatever they want you to feel.  I mentioned that one singer who does that for me is Janis Joplin.  He wholeheartedly agreed with that and told me that he had seen her at Woodstock, that she was just phenomenal.  Then he said, "Do you know who reminds me of Janis?  You."  I laughed, but he didn't.  He was dead serious and made sure I understood he really felt that way.

((Aside:  I can see the parallel, though.  One of the things I most admire about Janis is that she was just passion personified.  I certainly have those tendencies, as well as the ability to pull people in and captivate them.  It blew my mind that he would liken me to my idol after only knowing me for a few minutes, and without knowing how much it would mean to me.))

We talked for the last 10 minutes until my bus came.  He was flattering without being come-on-ish, friendly without being overbearing.  He was one of the nicest people I've ever met, and one of the nicest experiences I've ever had.


~FG };^>

It's such a subjective term.  The first thought that probably comes to most minds is the act of physical dance, gyrating to a soul-moving beat, but for me, it goes so much beyond that.

Dancing is the ultimate metaphor.  It is often used to describe certain conversational aspects (dancing around a subject) but it can also be used to indicate romantic or sexual overtures or even to describe more mundane things.  I think that playing music can be a dance.  It's a dance of your fingers over the fretboards or your dancing voice, trilling up and down the scale.  Dancing can be the simple act of walking down the street in time to an imaginary rhythm.

I believe I dance in everything I do.  I believe that dance is what life is all about.  The gyrations, the definition, none of that matters, it's all about living your life as if each dance was your last, so throw yourself into it.  Dance with a partner or dance in the corner alone, we are all always dancing, dancing together, even when we don't even realize it.

Take a minute to think about your life.  Think about every majestic thing that you take for granted.  Think about what it means to you when you see joy dance in the eyes of someone you love.  Think about what dances you perform every day of your life.

Defining dance serves only to limit each one of us, to lock us into a mundane point of view that doesn't allow for dance to permeate our lives.

Dance your life to the fullest.  Dance in your dreams, dance in your step and dance to whatever music you hear. 

But don't limit yourself to thinking that dancing means structure or that it has to mean gyrations because that lack of structure, the truth in the word, the ultimate metaphor, that, my friends, is truly the meaning of life.

~FG };^>

Entirely bored.  Logged into my game, played for an hour...  got bored with that.  Tried reading, couldn't concentrate, gave up.  Cleaned the house yesterday, so that's done...  still cold and snow outside, so there's no place to go even if we went out.

I've been preoccupied lately.  In part with things that I've already written about here, but also about random things that stop in my mind and stay for a while...

This song has been one of few consistently stuck in my head for a while.  That and my favorite Anthem song are the two I've been bouncing back and forth between.  I miss having music around me constantly, but in order to listen at work, I need headphones, and then I'm mostly cut off from a very musically-oriented group of people.

...like when I try to send hidden messages to people in the hopes of not obsessing only to find myself in a situation even more conducive to obsessive wondering and "what ifs".  It's a new year now and I don't feel like anything has changed for the better.  I'm exhausted all the time from the insane hours I'm working, I've confused the hell out of myself by trying to find a little clarity and I'm feeling more and more lonely (romantically?  sexually?) as the days go by.

I want answers to questions that I am afraid to ask in the open.  I want to be brave and bold, but instead cower inside an aloof public persona.  I want this job, but I don't want to spend quite so long commuting...  so I spend those hours every day daydreaming about things I am too scared to admit to in more than just a cryptic-link message kind of way.

*sigh*

*melodramatic mock faint*

Something is missing.  This much I know.  What is missing, I'm not entirely sure.  I can feel inside of me these gaps begging to be filled, refusing to tell me with what...  probably because I already know and just don't want to admit to wanting such a thing as I have denied, validly, for some time now.

What to do...  what to do?

I have plans and hopes and pipe dreams and I do feel like I'm working toward them.  These gaps, these plaguing monsters, if these holes were filled, they could keep me from some of the other things that I'm only just now in a position to achieve.  It's all so hard...  why is it that just when you start to feel like things are moving along the right path, all of a sudden you realize you need something more...  for entirely unrelated reasons.

I just want to get to a space where I no longer have to worry about certain things.  I want to be financially secure...  I don't need to have a lot of money, just a little more than I need to get by...  that would be nice.  I could get there pretty soon if I keep up these insane hours for long enough  My relationship with my kid is probably better than it's ever been, and everything is steady and good with the rest of the family.  I am in good health (so far this winter, anyway).  I like where I live (tho a bigger apt on this same block would be nice), love my neighbors, have good friends (when they're not copping out on me and leaving me to my on accord...

So why the hell, all of a sudden, do I want MORE out of life?  Why, after several years of contentment am I yearning for a change in THAT area?

I don't like this feeling.  I don't like this place.  And now that I'm approaching a financial goal, I have to deal with a problem that can only be resolved by the ONE THING that I simply do not have any to spare...

Time.

~FG };^>

So there I was, offline for weeks.  I kept thinking, "I should really sit down and write, save the text files and upload them later."  Of course, I didn't actually do that.

It seems like a kind of a curse.  I've tried keeping book journals before, but after some short time of writing with them, I always give up.  I figured this time the blog would be easier, since I spend so much time on the internet anyway, but I'm apparently just BAD at keeping a journal.

So every now and again, when the moment strikes me just right, at least I know that I have the option to write it down and save it for another time.

A brief note.  There have been several essays that I have posted in other forums that I would both like to keep and have available for others to read.  This is one of those essays.

News
pl.n. (used with a sing. verb)

1. Information about recent events or happenings, especially as reported by newspapers, periodicals, radio, or television.
2. A presentation of such information, as in a newspaper or on a newscast.
3. New information of any kind: The requirement was news to him.
4. Newsworthy material: “a public figure on a scale unimaginable in America; whatever he did was news” (James Atlas).
   
   

Gos·sip   
n.

1. Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
2. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.[li]Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
3. A close friend or companion.

FyreGoddess didn't start out as simply a character concept.  She was a snarky joke at first, and somehow evolved into something more, some kind of anonymous extension of myself.  I'm still the one with the lighter (though thankfully most others are also carrying fire with them most of the time now), but I'm also a superhero and a sim goddess and all these other things that FyreGoddess has evolved into.

That said, finding the right image to portray has been an interesting game.  In TSO, when she first came into her own, it was simple using the creator.  Medium skin tone, red hair - the only red hair truly befitting a goddess, IMO, evening gown for that aura of composure, beauty, grace...  In City of Heroes, also a simple task.  Superhero with fire-based powers, check.  Medium/dark skin tone, check.  Flaming red hair, gorgeous.  Outfit in fire tones with fire accents, perfect.  This, my friends, is the superhero identity of the FyreGoddess.  Unfortunately, there are certain times when I want my overall online persona to cross platforms.  At the core FyreGoddess is still me, still my overall online persona.  People know me now, I'm not going to start over.

And herein lies the problem.  When I posted primarily for TSO, I used my TSO face.  In posting for CoH, I use my CoH face.  But what about the other places?  My friend made me a beautiful signature that sums up the overall feeling I have about FyreGoddess (see banner above for sig ;)), but now I just don't match.

It's fascinating really.  This persona has a life of her own and a recognized identity, but I'm just not happy crossing platforms with an established, platform-specific face.  The time has come to find an overall, encompassing visual that doesn't clash with the lovely graphic that fits all of that.  Now I just have to figure out who I want me to be.

~FG };^>

Instant Messaging is a curious thing for me.  It is a rare moment that I am not signed into one, usually three, IM programs.  However, it takes me a while to develop an IM relationship with someone.

I'm not one to make initial contact unless I have something important to say.  I always fear imposing on someone or bothering them with my general (it's in my nature) inanity.  Not that I don't have things to say in IM, good grief, I ALWAYS have something to say, I just wonder how important those things actually are...  and if they're more important than whatever else the recipient could be doing at the time.