So last Wednesday I got home from work as usual, the only unusual thing was that I had not had a Wednesday (explanation coming soon).  I didn't feel like cooking so I decided to take a bath and then order out for me and the kid.

Much to my surprise, when I went into the bathroom, there was kitten harassing what I believed at the time to be the biggest spider I had ever seen that was not someone's pet.  I looked a little closer and I saw that it was not actually a spider, it was a bug.  Now I thought it was a beetle.

It wasn't until the kid came by that we realized it was a bee...  a giant bee, one of which I have never seen the like.  I tell you, the bee was the size of my thumb.  The whole thumb, not just the first joint.

So, being the adventurous, insane person that I am, instead of catching the bee right then, I decided to stalk it and try to get a picture.  None of them are very good, but here we go:

This is the first picture, the bee on the wall in the hallway.  Perspective is a little off, but yes, that is the smoke detector behind the bee, giving you some idea of the fact that I am not exaggerating.


Next up, we have the reason (at this point) that the GMB was angry:


And finally, where I finally caught the bee, desperately trying to escape the clutches of the cat, smart enough to try the window:

The girls are tired of hearing those words now.  Of this I am sure, considering they are repeatedly subjected to this phrase coming out of my mouth.

The problem is that it is SO TRUE.  I crush him deeply and increasingly.  It's getting bad.  I work very hard to not build things up in my mind (this time), but the reality is that he's so close to my ideal (at least from what I've seen so far) that it literally frightens me.

I swear to you, he is the yin to my yang.  An ego at least as big as mine, but with that laid-back "Yes, I am just that good (and I have the facts to back it up)" kind of feel to it.  It's a rarity with arrogance and egotism, in my experience, more so with guys.  Not afraid to call bullshit when I'm bullshitting and, as far as I can tell, not afraid to hear it either.

I guess the word is simpatico and believe me, it is quite appealing.  He danced with me.  Not a "shall we dance" kind of thing, but just grabbing me and dancing me around the room.  This is exactly the sort of thing I firmly believe there should be more of.  A complete gentleman with no pretensions about it, holding doors (as appropriate), offering his coat, walking me home, but sadly (*sigh*) never crossing the line.

Much to my dismay.

Wow, long and busy weekend I'm coming out of.  I've been really feeling lately like I need to find new ways to regain the fun in my life, and considering the local friends I have (or at least the ones I used to spend my time with) that fun has been more and more elusive.

Too many people are feeling old or are overbooked or, quite frankly, are getting old in mindset if not in age.  I have very little patience for this kind of thinking.  But it doesn't necessarily take peers for me to have a good time.  Brave as I am (heh), I will often go out solo, but if I've got the kid, we'll aim for more family-oriented fun, instead of the grownup kind of fun that leads to remembering why we don't get a sitter on weekends we have the kid.

So the weekend kicked off with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  We brought our towels, to the delight of the Spectrum staff and to the mixed dismay, confusion and envy of our fellow movie-seers.  The guy behind the ticket counter hopes we started a trend, as do I.  Thankfully, the kid agrees that it was worth it, don't forget your towel.

A brief pause here to mention I loved this movie!  Truly, it was fantastic.  Sure, it wasn't entirely true to the novels, and the purists who expect it to stick to the radio program or novel will be disappointed, but purists of anything almost always are.  Those who adored that crap of a BBC series, they may also be disappointed, but they can kiss my ass for thinking of that as the be all end all instead of the garbage that it was.  Disappointed primarily in the non-Adams 15%, encompassing the Trillian/Arthur romance, but I must say the dolphin song and dance at the beginning (written by Burt Bacharach and prompting me immediately, upon arriving home, to purchase the soundtrack) made up for any and all transgressions.

Let's see what opinions further viewings may bring.  I would really like to see it again.

Saturday was a quiet day.  Mostly just hung around the house, watched DVDs and didn't do too much.  Mom picked up the kid and this was where we started to learn why we don't get a sitter on weekends we have the kid.  The original intent of the babysitter was going with a buddy to see Sin City a second time.

Pause to talk about viewing #2.  Still a very good movie, still the most comic book comic book movie I have EVER seen before, but this time I didn't enjoy it quite so much.

A friend of mine from work had told me the reasons he didn't like the movie, which I found valid at the time of hearing it.  The problem was that this time I noticed it with those words in mind.  The 40's-era style of dialog was more prominent and less enjoyable having heard that as a reason he hadn't received the movie quite so well.  The second viewing, the suspense was gone.  I already knew what was going to happen and how.  The graphic violence was, though still graphic, not jarring and didn't affect me with the same horror it did the first time.

All told, still a good movie, but I doubt now that I'll actually buy it on DVD.  Worth seeing, ok to see more than once, but overall, more of a one-time excellence than something that lasts through repeated viewings.

So the movie ended shortly before midnight, but I'm the type of person who insists on maximizing the freedom of the rare babysitter, so I applied the very small amount of peer pressure necessary to keep Mike off the list of "Friends who are lame and suck for it."  He acquiesced and we headed down to the bar.

I suppose that I shouldn't list off my exploits as "What happens in the Bleeker, stays in the Bleeker", so I'll just say this:  One, I should know better than to drink on an empty stomach.  I do not like being a lightweight.  Two, seeing double is fun ;).  ((Two of you, and two of you, and two of YOU...  just take my glasses, please.))  Three, the free internet condom is a wonderful conversation piece, especially when the boys go through your purse.  Four, arrogance (a very large ego), exhibitionism and alcohol is a dangerous combination, but a whole hell of a lot of fun!  Five, the last time I tangoed was years ago, in pixels.  It's WAY more fun in real life.

I adore dancing.  Especially with a competent (and cute *sigh*  *crush*) partner...

We closed the bar, so that's another virginity to cross off the metaphorical list.  Home at 5ish, bed around 7:30 (apparently I am the bad influence, though I beg to differ *pointed look*  Yeah, you know who you are), kid home at 11.

This is why we don't get a sitter.  This is also why it's GOOD to be one of the lucky ones who avoids hangovers without taking any steps.  It is, however, a BAD thing to be on so little sleep and have to at least attempt to be a competent mother.

Yeah, this is why we don't get a sitter.  But, hey, next weekend is a kid-free weekend, Tulip Fest and the contest.  Good grief, I think I found the fun, now I'm just waiting to see what kind of price is going to be exacted from it.

I started off thinking about how I want to be better about keeping my blog.  Writing in it several times a week as I am motivated.  My first instinct was to delete all the entries I already had, but I don't want to lose so much of what I've put into this.  What's the point of a journal that you pull the pages out of?  Same with the blog, I guess.

I keep coming up with ideas for entries - several on a single day, and yet I still don't write it down.  The anonymity of the internet is wearing off, for me anyway.  People know me both as my online persona and as my real life self.  So I find myself feeling like I need to be careful about how I chose my words, pretty much defeating the purpose of the blog.

But I get over myself and try to stop overthinking things.

Refinding the fun is top priority, trying to keep track of what I do and feel and think runs a close second.  I'm mostly satisfied (with few exceptions) with the way my life is right now, so the little things, the details are the ones I need to pay attention to.

*pays attention*

~FG };^>

It's not really something that you can convey over the internet, a big personality, one that's overwhelming to many, one that dominates the aura of the room, it's just something you have or are, and only then in real life.

I find that my personality is certainly overwhelming to some, but refreshing to others.  I use large gestures and I really emote my words, phrases, body language.  Everything about me - my mannerisms, my tone of voice, is big, bordering on imposing.  I think, in part, that was something that led Sam to tell me that I reminded him of Janis.  I can see how she was probably the same way.

I think that too few people allow themselves to have big personalities.  It's intimidating, so women, at least, probably men too, though, will subdue themselves, not allow themselves to fully be that dynamic personality they could be.  I can't do that.  Or maybe I won't.  I'm not sure.

All I know is that I don't mind scaring people off sometimes if it allows me to be true to myself.  I don't mind if people are intimidated because if they feel that way *before* they get to know me, imagine how put off they'd be once they did.  I refuse to lie to myself about who I am, and I refuse to mislead others in the hopes of gaining their favor or attention.  Not that I need to try to gain attention, having a big personality just automatically leads to attention - both positive and negative.

I know I can be melodramatic.  It used to be that I was just a melodramatic person, but I have tempered with age and now I mock the melodrama by playing with it.  It's almost always tongue-in-cheek and next to always on purpose to make a point or for added emphasis.  Melodrama on the internet just doesn't convey, though.  There is a vast difference between belting out a song while walking down the street and typing "*sings [insert song here]*  It just doesn't translate.

I find that the more of myself I want to put out there, the more *actions* I try to use.  Being the obscure person I tend to be, I think most of my *actions* go right over people's heads.  I, accustomed to this, at this point.  I've decided to revel in my obscurity rather than banging my head against a wall trying to explain it to other people.  The few who get the references usually appreciate them.

I think that this is part of why I prefer to talk on the phone instead of IMing with people.  Not that I mind IM, but I'm usually pleased when people can hear the sarcasm in my voice, know how to pronounce "augh", understand the venom that's usually behind an outburst of "BAH!", etc.  They have an actual concept of how big my personality means and they can make a decision as to whether or not it's something they can handle or if they should now decide to be afraid of me, on whatever level.

Additionally, though, it gives them a better sense of what's behind those cold words on the flickering screen.  While I strive to convey exactly what I'm feeling and what I want to say, as I said above, it doesn't always translate.  I try my best, but until you understand more of the pieces that serve to create the person behind the persona (heh ;)), you just can't grasp most of what I'm actually trying to say, no matter how clear I think I'm being in the moment.

This internet age fascinates me.  I can't be the only person who notices things like personalities and suchlike not being conveyed, but I don't see it addressed very often.  It makes me wonder if people will alter their personalities to be clearer over the internet in this globally-reaching society of ours or if we will find better and clearer ways to convey what's really inside us.

Maybe we all just have to wait for video phones to be cheap and the calls to be charged in a manner more similar to internet service.

~FG };^>

I got to have a perfect moment today.  It was completely unexpected, but it absolutely made my day.  I was in kind of a bad mood.  Not really bad, just annoyed mostly.  I missed my connecting bus by about 2 minutes because the other bus was late and had to wait 25 minutes in the drizzling rush hour for the next one to come.  I was already feeling rushed, despite getting off work on time and still had to get to the store, buy food and cook dinner for the kid, who was waiting for me at home.

Out of nowhere I heard this rich baritone voice start singing one of my favorite songs - Summertime, from Porgy and Bess.  It blew my mind on this rainy springish winter's eve and made me stop to look around.  Being as self-conscious as I am without my guitar as a shield, I did not join my voice with his, though I was tempted.  Instead I just listened and appreciated the random music.

I had to say something when he was done.  I walked over to him and said "That was beautiful, you have a wonderful voice.  Thank you for sharing."  He melted from the compliment and proceeded to tell me his story for the day.  He hadn't slept in 24 hours and was working like mad (with a hottie I had been making eyes at for as long as I had been waiting ;)) doing random physical labor.  He was at the point of feeling zen (so we talked zen for a bit).  He had been lying on the floor listening to Nina Simone and just became inspired. 

We started talking about music, specifically about vocalists who had that sort of power to...  I don't know what...  power to make you FEEL what they are singing, what they are feeling, whatever they want you to feel.  I mentioned that one singer who does that for me is Janis Joplin.  He wholeheartedly agreed with that and told me that he had seen her at Woodstock, that she was just phenomenal.  Then he said, "Do you know who reminds me of Janis?  You."  I laughed, but he didn't.  He was dead serious and made sure I understood he really felt that way.

((Aside:  I can see the parallel, though.  One of the things I most admire about Janis is that she was just passion personified.  I certainly have those tendencies, as well as the ability to pull people in and captivate them.  It blew my mind that he would liken me to my idol after only knowing me for a few minutes, and without knowing how much it would mean to me.))

We talked for the last 10 minutes until my bus came.  He was flattering without being come-on-ish, friendly without being overbearing.  He was one of the nicest people I've ever met, and one of the nicest experiences I've ever had.


~FG };^>

It's such a subjective term.  The first thought that probably comes to most minds is the act of physical dance, gyrating to a soul-moving beat, but for me, it goes so much beyond that.

Dancing is the ultimate metaphor.  It is often used to describe certain conversational aspects (dancing around a subject) but it can also be used to indicate romantic or sexual overtures or even to describe more mundane things.  I think that playing music can be a dance.  It's a dance of your fingers over the fretboards or your dancing voice, trilling up and down the scale.  Dancing can be the simple act of walking down the street in time to an imaginary rhythm.

I believe I dance in everything I do.  I believe that dance is what life is all about.  The gyrations, the definition, none of that matters, it's all about living your life as if each dance was your last, so throw yourself into it.  Dance with a partner or dance in the corner alone, we are all always dancing, dancing together, even when we don't even realize it.

Take a minute to think about your life.  Think about every majestic thing that you take for granted.  Think about what it means to you when you see joy dance in the eyes of someone you love.  Think about what dances you perform every day of your life.

Defining dance serves only to limit each one of us, to lock us into a mundane point of view that doesn't allow for dance to permeate our lives.

Dance your life to the fullest.  Dance in your dreams, dance in your step and dance to whatever music you hear. 

But don't limit yourself to thinking that dancing means structure or that it has to mean gyrations because that lack of structure, the truth in the word, the ultimate metaphor, that, my friends, is truly the meaning of life.

~FG };^>

Entirely bored.  Logged into my game, played for an hour...  got bored with that.  Tried reading, couldn't concentrate, gave up.  Cleaned the house yesterday, so that's done...  still cold and snow outside, so there's no place to go even if we went out.

I've been preoccupied lately.  In part with things that I've already written about here, but also about random things that stop in my mind and stay for a while...

This song has been one of few consistently stuck in my head for a while.  That and my favorite Anthem song are the two I've been bouncing back and forth between.  I miss having music around me constantly, but in order to listen at work, I need headphones, and then I'm mostly cut off from a very musically-oriented group of people.

...like when I try to send hidden messages to people in the hopes of not obsessing only to find myself in a situation even more conducive to obsessive wondering and "what ifs".  It's a new year now and I don't feel like anything has changed for the better.  I'm exhausted all the time from the insane hours I'm working, I've confused the hell out of myself by trying to find a little clarity and I'm feeling more and more lonely (romantically?  sexually?) as the days go by.

I want answers to questions that I am afraid to ask in the open.  I want to be brave and bold, but instead cower inside an aloof public persona.  I want this job, but I don't want to spend quite so long commuting...  so I spend those hours every day daydreaming about things I am too scared to admit to in more than just a cryptic-link message kind of way.

*sigh*

*melodramatic mock faint*

Something is missing.  This much I know.  What is missing, I'm not entirely sure.  I can feel inside of me these gaps begging to be filled, refusing to tell me with what...  probably because I already know and just don't want to admit to wanting such a thing as I have denied, validly, for some time now.

What to do...  what to do?

I have plans and hopes and pipe dreams and I do feel like I'm working toward them.  These gaps, these plaguing monsters, if these holes were filled, they could keep me from some of the other things that I'm only just now in a position to achieve.  It's all so hard...  why is it that just when you start to feel like things are moving along the right path, all of a sudden you realize you need something more...  for entirely unrelated reasons.

I just want to get to a space where I no longer have to worry about certain things.  I want to be financially secure...  I don't need to have a lot of money, just a little more than I need to get by...  that would be nice.  I could get there pretty soon if I keep up these insane hours for long enough  My relationship with my kid is probably better than it's ever been, and everything is steady and good with the rest of the family.  I am in good health (so far this winter, anyway).  I like where I live (tho a bigger apt on this same block would be nice), love my neighbors, have good friends (when they're not copping out on me and leaving me to my on accord...

So why the hell, all of a sudden, do I want MORE out of life?  Why, after several years of contentment am I yearning for a change in THAT area?

I don't like this feeling.  I don't like this place.  And now that I'm approaching a financial goal, I have to deal with a problem that can only be resolved by the ONE THING that I simply do not have any to spare...

Time.

~FG };^>