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Saturday, August 20, 2005
Sucks. Most of my friends are out of town again. Once again, there was no poker. I want to go out and play, but I'm tired of going by myself. Thank goodness War comes back from Pennsic today, maybe she'll be up for playing some tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Visitor's Day at camp. I'll go with the Dragonmaker to visit the Spawn. I'm looking forward to the visit, less so to the ride. Thinking maybe I should plan to bring a good book or something so I don't have to talk all that much... but I do miss the kid and it will be good to see him.
No one is around :( I want to talk to someone, but no one answers their phone. But let's be honest here, the one person that I really want to talk to... I lost his number (*taps on screen* I lost your number) and he doesn't like to talk on the phone anyway... so it's unlikely he'd even answer, let alone be up for a gab-fest... with me...
So Mom plans on moving, which means I have to get all my stuff out of her basement. She kept harassing me, telling me I had all kinds of crap down there, but I went over today and I have a couple of pieces of furniture and a total of about 6 boxes. Whatever that crap down there is, it's not mine. It was pretty exhausting, though, just going through that stuff. I found some interesting memories in certain boxes, and things I forgot I had.
Part of me can't wait to go through my file cabinets, if for no other reason than I have all kinds of interesting things I've forgotten about. Even things that I can toss will hold memories of old cars and circumstances I have likely forgotten.
I found Spawn's baby books, an old photo album with random pics, I found my old HS yearbooks (haven't dared yet to open them and relive some of those memories. I wonder how many people I've forgotten about) and several stories finished and unfinished. I remember writing pages and pages and pages, but the longest ones never got finished. I guess that somewhere inside of me there's still this understanding that I will, one day, write a Great American novel. I refuse to say "the" since there have been many before me and there will be many after me.
I dunno. I just wish I had something to DO, or at least someone to share these reclaimed memories with... as it stands, I write in my blog only until it's time to watch bad Sci-Fi on television.
One week to my party... tomorrow I start cleaning the house and getting the necessary furniture to make things work.
I need more shelves...
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:23 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, August 18, 2005
Another sleepless night...
These are really starting to bother me. At first I was able to chalk them up to the insane heat, but now that it's cooled off, there's no good reason for me to still be up at 3:10am.
My thoughts race with all kinds of things I doubt I'll ever have the brass to say out loud. I keep thinking I should write it into a song one of these days "I want to moan your name in the throes of ecstasy" and then never ever tell who I wrote it for. Not that I'm even entirely sure who it would honestly be for. There's one name/face that comes up for me when I think it (and girls, you would be wrong if you even ventured to guess, I can almost guarantee).
I've been having an insane amount of sex dreams involving an awful lot of people I know... makes things awkward when I have to see them the next day or even a few days later, but I like to think, for the most part, that I have played it off pretty well and not let that make other people feel how awkward I am. There are only about three people that have heard that information from me directly... I do wonder if it has something to do with me not sleeping. What strikes me as odd is which person is appearing in the forefront as the most often recurring. This is not a person that I had thought of in those terms, nor is it a person that I would have even considered propositioning, but the more often I dream him, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense in my current desperation.
One of my online friends told me that I needed someone to "wear me out". It's not far from the truth. The problem is the rest of what I need is no strings attached. Much as I want to find that, much as I think that I can, the problem falls into my one remaining inhibition.
I've been thinking lately that I've changed in the past less than a year. I'm still not sure what sparked it, but I don't remember ever being this much of a party girl. Yes, I was social, even a social butterfly, but never before was "Did you keep your shirt on?" a valid question... and never before was the answer so often "uh... *blush*... no...."
I don't think that it was a conscious decision on my part. I don't think I even noticed it happening. The strange part is, I think that there were a couple of people who saw me as that before I stepped into the role. Rather than a self-fulfilling prophesy, it was me filling the perception of others. At least that's what I've come up with just now, at 3:40am.
Not that I dislike this person I have become/am becoming. I've shed most of what few inhibitions I had left, but I have to wonder if a few inhibitions are not, in some way, a smart and/or safe thing to have. I mean, I still have a very real sense of what is and is not safe, I have a clear understanding of right and wrong and my own specific moral code that I stick to, but without inhibitions, the shirt comes off, I close bars and I say and do all kinds of random bizarre things.
******
My attention wandered. Not that I really think I was going anywhere with that, but if I was it's gone now.
4:05am, still not tired, have to be up in an hour and a half anyway, so I might as well make some coffee. This whole unemployment thing is pretty wearing. I want real work with normal hours, but instead I wait for the DOL to stop screwing around and send me the money I already paid into the system and I take whatever I can to make some extra cash. In this situation, painting a movie theater.
While at Falcon Ridge, I decided to go ahead and see the psychic there. As I figured would happen, most of what she told me I already knew. The one thing, though, that I needed to hear was the first thing she said to me. "Don't worry about the money. It will come. You need to focus on doing what's best for you right now." You know, I don't know how, but she was right on that one. I can't allow myself to go back to being a recluse, and I can't deal with who I turn into when I don't get out and be social, so even though I can't really afford it, or at least can't justify spending money on going out and having fun, I do it anyway. It's not much, it's not enough to stop me from paying my bills or whatever, but it's just enough to ensure that I get out and see the people who matter to me and have a good time.
It also helps when you can fall back on someone buying a drink. No assumptions, I always have money of my own, but I won't refuse it if one of the boys makes the offer... which often happens. Whether it's because they know I'm mostly broke of if it's just in their natures, I don't care to guess, having it there makes things a little easier for me and I appreciate it very much, if for no other reason than I know that I'll be able to return the favor to them at some point, in some manner. It all works out eventually and, truth be told, I *can* hold my own if I have to, it's just nice to not have to all the time these days.
It's funny, finding myself saying that. The truth is, when I'm in the right situation, I will fight tooth and nail to not be treated like a girl... treated like a "lady". I've gotten into arguments over such things with people, but the older I get the more I accept that some guys just want or need to go that extra mile for a woman, regardless of who she is. Learning to accept that has been a long road, but I'm starting to get there. The older I get, the more important it seems to be, since more and more men start exhibiting those qualities.
Bah... *now* I'm tired and I can't sleep until forever. I gotta make some food and coffee... the timing, though, is excellent, since I've mostly run out of things to say in this particular entry.
Long-winded,
~FG };^>
Posted at 04:26 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, August 15, 2005
Well, I guess it's time for another recap.
But this one won't be nearly as detailed as the last one.
I am out of the old place. There are still things I need to collect from Mom's, but for the most part, I'm moved in... just without a table :(
So... since my last entry.
Had the breakdown, screamed and yelled at someone who's been asking for it for AGES, finished the move, went to Falcon Ridge, decided I need to start looking into getting a car again, contract ended, fighting with the NYS DOL, more open mics, ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in AGES, got an email from another old friend I hadn't heard from in AGES, shipped the spawn off to camp, TOO MANY SHOTS... just the same ordinary mundane shit that I don't have the energy to make sound interesting.
So now it's updated and I have no excuse to not post future updates.
There you go.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:26 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, July 15, 2005
You know, it's really getting old. I'm tired of this chaotic time period.
I honestly think that I'm having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday kind of hammered that home, what with the sobbing and crying and general feeling of helplessness that I found myself in.
I think I was called a bad parent for refusing to parent someone else's child. I know that I've been imposed upon and, right now, the timing could not be worse. I still haven't fully moved OUT and have so much more moving IN that it's incredibly daunting. Now that Spawn is actually motivated to help with the work that needs to be done, it seems like there are roadblocks and having other people try to play the pity me card when I'm in the chaotic flux that I am is just not holding water. In fact, I think it only serves to piss me the FUCK off.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:27 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, July 12, 2005
There is always excitement to be had.
I find myself in an interesting situation. I have many things to be excited about and many things to be anxious about. I choose to dwell on the excitement.
ONE WEEK! Oh hell yeah! One week until I get to have a date with my doctor. Been waiting a year to see him again and that's very exciting to me. Although, I must admit, it will break my heart if Dr. Scott has forgotten about me. Somehow I doubt he will.
Falcon Ridge, DUDE!!! I simply cannot wait. I'm gonna play the open mic this time and I'm gonna see my friends and I'm gonna have a blast. I am soooooo excited about this prospect.
Saturday is Harry Potter release day! Friday is the "party" at the bookstores. I am excited about getting my copy and reading it THAT NIGHT.
I think I"ll go stalking this weekend too.
I suppose I'll write more later tonight... maybe... if it cools off...
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:22 by FyreGoddess
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Wednesday, July 06, 2005
It doesn't seem to matter how busy I get, I always have time to think, whether I like it or not. Conversations with others facilitate thoughts and lead them down certain paths.
Sex is always a hot topic of conversation, but there are tangents that branch off periodically; among them, marriage, fidelity, loyalty, commitment, attraction... these tangential conversations often lead me down new paths of thoughts that I don't necessarily want to go.
Recent conversations... no.... recent questions I have been asked have led me into what could easily become dangerous territory. Being one of few singles in many (though I doubt "most") of the conversations I have, I get a lot of "would you?" and "do you?" sort of questions. One that's come up several times is whether or not I would sleep with someone in a committed relationship. It's something that I have yet to question on more than a theoretical level, but the truth is that I think I would under certain circumstances.
Of course, the moment I answer this question, I have to establish rules that go along with it. If not for them, then for me.
First off, it's not something I would seek out. I don't believe that I would ever convince someone to cheat, nor would I even attempt seduce a committed man into an affair. That's number one. The intention has to already be there on his part. Now the question is whether or not I would be a willing participant.
If I knew the significant other, I don't believe that I would be able to go through with it. The question I find myself asking in this theoretical scenario is whether or not my (specific to me as a person) actions would cause emotional harm or detriment to another. Granted, the act of cheating will usually cause some sort of detriment to the "wronged" party, regardless of any other circumstances, but the real question here is would that harm be increased by the fact that it was me, specifically?
The last piece goes to intention... my intention. What am I looking for? If I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship, then this is not a good way to start things off. It opens the door for things to turn around on me and it's simply not a good way to lead into something that should ideally last. If I have ideas of that sort of commitment or level of involvement, then the answer is no, that's not something you do with long-term intentions.
If I can get past all of those questions and still assure myself that I am not the wronging party, knowing that it's just a fling and I am attracted to this person (obviously), then yes, I would do it.
In a heartbeat.
And, you know, the problem is not that I have these conversations. The problem is not that I have these thoughts. The problem really is that somewhere, in the back of my mind, I have these thoughts about someone in particular. (I've had them before as well, but never until recently have I been questioned on this theoretical level, so have never had to really look at it before.) I've brushed them off and brushed them aside, knowing that they were little more than a "what if" kind of fantasy, KNOWING that I would never, never work to make something like that happen, but that if the circumstance ever arose, I would take the opportunity.
Listing out all the criteria just makes things worse, if for no other reason than he fits it all (as have they all... I may be prone to fantasy from time to time, but they are almost always realistic fantasies, often to my dismay). No matter what I think, no matter how far I dig into my psyche looking for that key to say "oops, nope, no good, you can't do it because of [X]", I simply can't find it.
On some level, he strikes me as someone who may eventually go down that path of infidelity. In some ways, it would not be difficult to justify such an action. And here's me, knowing that I would participate, in a heartbeat, knowing that I would probably rock his world and knowing that it's the sort of thing that he could very easily wind up regretting, whether the idea came from him or some random outside party.
The more I think, the more I worry. The more I talk, the more I open myself up, the more ammunition I give other people - not just the type to use against me, but also the type to use against or for themselves. Food for thought, you may call it, but I don't think along mainstream lines and what I may consider fine and dandy is simply not always (or even necessarily usually) socially acceptable by mainstream society.
But yeah... there's a reality there, regardless of the joking manner in which it's put. Not only would I do it, I'd do it in a heartbeat and it would be fun.
***Just a note, out of courtesy for some who may find themselves wondering... It is unlikely I am writing about you. Honestly, there are some things that are not for public consumption and some things better said face to face. If you think I mean you and I told you about my blog... it's probably not you, simply out of respect. If, however, you found me by *a-hem* other means and I don't know that you're reading... or even suspect that you might have found me... well... I might not admit it, but I find it incredibly hard to flat-out deny the truth.***
~FG };^>
Posted at 20:05 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Moving is a time to reevaluate
Moving is a very cleansing experience for me, generally. It's not just about moving from one physical location to another, it's also about purging, taking stock, reevaluating, and rethinking the things I have come to take for granted.
On some level this is about things like the bathroom being the second door on the left, how not to trip and fall while making my way through the apartment in the dark, where all the light switches are... but it's also about the other levels of stuff that has accumulated. Friends, enemies, patterns of thoughts or behaviors. It is now time to take stock, not just of the things I have, but of who I have become and to determine what needs to be thrown away and what I can keep (even if I don't need it).
Overall, I am a more trusting person than I was when I first moved here, but I was wrapped up at that point in a big ball of distrust... with good reasons that I will not get into right now. I am also a more wary person than I was, not suspicious, just careful... cautious, even. I will admit that I am more jaded, but will deny being bitter, since I don't believe I am.
Maybe it's the move, maybe it's the upcoming milestone birthday (30), but it's something I can't avoid, nor do I want to. It's time to take a good hard look at who I am. Even though I do like who I have become, who I AM now, I certainly feel there is always room for improvement, and if the motivation to improve is presenting itself now, who am I to deny it?
So I am riding this wave of the moment.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:14 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, June 27, 2005
I can't ever get to sleep on Sunday nights. Even when I go to bed on time or early I just lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling, NOT sleeping.
It's insanely hot right now. I feel like I'm going to melt. I spent most of the day with sweat pouring off of me. Moved NO boxes, nothing at all has gone into the new place, but I did throw a lot of things away and prepped stuff to be moved. Heh. I should probably do it now, in the middle of the night, while it's cool outside. My luck, though, it would just serve to wake me up, not tire me out and I'd be completely worthless tomorrow at work.
I keep looking at how much fucking crap I have and how much of it I actually want to keep. The stuff in boxes is the stuff I can put off until after the move (forever and ever after, honestly, probably), but the rest of the crap... I just cannot believe that I save these things. I try to look at it in a detached manner, none of that "Maybe someday I'll have use for this useless item", but I'm still moving incredible amounts of unnecessary, unimportant junk.
Spawn asked for a teleporter today. Something we could use to automatically transport all the stuff over to the new apartment. He is not being as helpful as he could in terms of this move, but at least he *is* working, somewhat. This heat and humidity is very demotivating. We're both on a two shower a day schedule and all I can think about is how much cooler the new apartment is. *sigh* Crossbreeze and a plethora of ceiling fans. *daydreams*
Oh man, I really wish I could sleep. I'm preoccupied with all kinds of things, including the move, sex, boys, friendships, how motherfucking hot it is... all the usual stuff, but it seems like that "usual stuff" is more in the front of my mind than it usually is.
Once again, as happens periodically, I find myself wishing that I could just turn all my thoughts off. Just long enough to fall asleep, at least.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:58 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, June 26, 2005
This makes post number 5 for today, but if I take long enough to write the whole thing down, then maybe it won't post until tomorrow... heh.
I am a complete and utter slacker today. I really should be moving... I should have done *anything* productive today, but I haven't. It's been incredibly hot and, quite frankly, I just don't feel like it. This is not a good mindset for me to be in right now, since there is a lot of work that needs to be done.
I went to be embarrassingly early yesterday. Let's just say that I think I slept for 18 hours, but it might have been more. It was interrupted only by a couple of phone calls throughout the time when I really should have been awake... I don't think they knew I was sleeping, but I don't really remember the conversations very well. I think I almost went out and just relied on the phone to wake me up when it became important.... it was never *actually* important.
Today, I totally intended to at least make some progress on the move. I failed miserably. I did wind up going out to dinner and seeing a friend I haven't seen in months. *waves to Kate* After coming home and showing the girls the new apartment, it took me TWO HOURS (I kid you not) to actually get back home. I stopped at every stoop on the way to socialize. It was really nice and I enjoyed it, but here I am... several hours later... still not having done a goddamned thing.
So here's what I'm thinking... pop open a bottle of wine, stick on a movie I don't need to actually pay attention to and do as much as I can before I pass the fuck out.
Tomorrow I have no choice... that's the day I have the truck, I *have* to move tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not. I also have several people lined up to assist.
But today was totally slacker day... and I refuse to apologize for it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:08 by FyreGoddess
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Saturday, June 25, 2005
I remember, when I was about 3 or 4 years old having what I felt was a very important conversation with my mother. "How can people say that you should never talk to strangers? If you never talk to strangers, you'll never make ANY friends at all." This led my mother to discuss with me what makes a person safe to talk to and how to feel out most situations and decide which strangers were ok to talk to and which ones to avoid.
While I do talk to strangers, I keep myself pretty safe overall.
One of the things that I taught my son when he was very little was how to find a safe person in an emergency situation. "If you get lost or separated from me or your father, the best thing to do is to find a mother with other children and tell her you are lost. She will most likely help you out." (Uniformed police, etc. are not overly common in my area and uniforms are an easy way to manipulate and trick people. It's harder to fake caring for children.)
Anyway, I was reading an article about that Boy Scout and it struck me that one of the things that made this worse than it needed to be was his parents ingraining the scare tactic of "NEVER talk to strangers" instead of taking the time to teach him how to keep himself safe in most situations.
"Some clues to what led to Brennan's four-day odyssey have emerged, though the boy has revealed few details: Factors include his partner's failure to follow a key Scout rule to always look out for your buddy, a wrong turn Brennan took in the woods and the boy's strict adherence to parental advice to avoid strangers _ in this case rescue workers.
<snip...>
The boy said he kept two thoughts in mind, both of them instructions from his parents: Never leave a trail and never talk to strangers. So, when people on horseback appeared on his trail Tuesday, Brennan pulled off the path and out of view until they passed."
I hope that people will take something away from this. I hope that the lesson here that scare tactics are just as dangerous as not teaching your children anything at all. Don't get me wrong, I understand that people want to shelter and keep their children safe, but isn't TEACHING them how to take care of themselves the best form of long-term safety that there is?
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:47 by FyreGoddess
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