It's been an incredibly long day.  Went to camp for Visitor's Day to visit the Spawn and had a nice time.  I enjoyed the round-trip with the Dragonmaker and got some really good gossip that I'm not inclined to state on the internet.

Went over to mom's to pick up the table, chairs and some misc. stuff...  I am wiped out.  I have 5 days of hard work ahead of me to get ready for this damn party.  Hopefully Chaos will take me up on my offer to give him a place to stay this week in exchange for his assistance in readying the house.

Part of me wants it done for when Spawn comes home.  Part of me needs it done for the party, but let's be completely honest here...  I just want it DONE.

So tired...  want to sleep...  too damned many stairs...

~FG };^>

So I found myself in the first-wave of the closed beta test for a new, upcoming MMORPG that I have been waiting forever for.  I don't want to list it because I am under a Non-Disclosure Agreement, but rest assured, as soon as that is lifted, I will be posting screenshots because this game is cool as hell.

Right now, the beta test takes place for two hours a day, five days (M-F) a week.  That's it, that's all, there is no other time to play this game.  Having beta tested before, I understand this.  The game is in the early stages of completion and there's a whole lot of work that needs to be done.

What I simply cannot understand is the sheer idiocy that some people exhibit when "discussing" the game.  There was a recent thread on the beta forums (and this is not the only time) where some idiot stated "You're here to test, not here to level."  You also hear a lot of "You're here to test, not here to play."

What I just don't get is how these idiots think that a game can be tested without people playing it.  I mean, yeah, ok, there are bugs to find and servers to crash, but when you're testing content and gameplay, you have to play the game, you have to level in order to progress and see what the game has to offer and where the glaring issues are.  Am I wrong?

These people seem to think they know better than anyone else what testing means.  It's almost as if they are working actively to *not* have fun because they have this job to do.  I don't know about anyone else, but I strive to have fun even when I'm working, regardless of what I'm working at.  If it's a 9-5 job, I'm still trying to have fun, but when it is a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, it's even more important that I have fun.  If the game is not fun, then the game itself is a failure and there is something serious that needs to be changed or added.

It also baffles me that so many people think they can tell the developers what they *should* be doing.  No regard for the fact that these people have lives outside of their programming and development capacities, they simply demand that more hours be available, not so they can test, but so they can play.  With the instability that comes with such an early-stages game, the servers must be babysat in case something goes wrong, but these entitled people have no problems saying "You should power up the servers on weekends because that's when I have the most time to play."

I just don't get it.  So many people think that they know better than anyone else what should and CAN happen and the vast majority of them have little to no experience with computers or programming.  You'd think there'd be at least a little understanding of how time-intensive this sort of thing is, you'd think there'd be a little appreciation for getting in on the ground floor of testing, you'd think there'd be some sense of community since everyone is new and learning as they go.

But, of course, there isn't.  There's just a whole lot of selfishness and ego tossing around.

All that said, and to be fair, there are a whole lot of people who DO get it.  Problem is they seem to fade into the woodwork, while the idiots all around me stand in the middle of the fray shouting (for all intents and purposes) obscenities at the very people who have essentially done them a favor.

It bothers me.

~FG };^>

Sucks.  Most of my friends are out of town again.  Once again, there was no poker.  I want to go out and play, but I'm tired of going by myself.  Thank goodness War comes back from Pennsic today, maybe she'll be up for playing some tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Visitor's Day at camp.  I'll go with the Dragonmaker to visit the Spawn.  I'm looking forward to the visit, less so to the ride.  Thinking maybe I should plan to bring a good book or something so I don't have to talk all that much...  but I do miss the kid and it will be good to see him.

No one is around :(  I want to talk to someone, but no one answers their phone.  But let's be honest here, the one person that I really want to talk to...  I lost his number (*taps on screen*  I lost your number) and he doesn't like to talk on the phone anyway...  so it's unlikely he'd even answer, let alone be up for a gab-fest...  with me...

So Mom plans on moving, which means I have to get all my stuff out of her basement.  She kept harassing me, telling me I had all kinds of crap down there, but I went over today and I have a couple of pieces of furniture and a total of about 6 boxes.  Whatever that crap down there is, it's not mine.  It was pretty exhausting, though, just going through that stuff.  I found some interesting memories in certain boxes, and things I forgot I had.

Part of me can't wait to go through my file cabinets, if for no other reason than I have all kinds of interesting things I've forgotten about.  Even things that I can toss will hold memories of old cars and circumstances I have likely forgotten.

I found Spawn's baby books, an old photo album with random pics, I found my old HS yearbooks (haven't dared yet to open them and relive some of those memories.  I wonder how many people I've forgotten about) and several stories finished and unfinished.  I remember writing pages and pages and pages, but the longest ones never got finished.  I guess that somewhere inside of me there's still this understanding that I will, one day, write a Great American novel.  I refuse to say "the" since there have been many before me and there will be many after me.

I dunno.  I just wish I had something to DO, or at least someone to share these reclaimed memories with...  as it stands, I write in my blog only until it's time to watch bad Sci-Fi on television.

One week to my party...  tomorrow I start cleaning the house and getting the necessary furniture to make things work.

I need more shelves...

~FG };^>

These are really starting to bother me.  At first I was able to chalk them up to the insane heat, but now that it's cooled off, there's no good reason for me to still be up at 3:10am.

My thoughts race with all kinds of things I doubt I'll ever have the brass to say out loud.  I keep thinking I should write it into a song one of these days "I want to moan your name in the throes of ecstasy" and then never ever tell who I wrote it for.  Not that I'm even entirely sure who it would honestly be for.  There's one name/face that comes up for me when I think it (and girls, you would be wrong if you even ventured to guess, I can almost guarantee).

I've been having an insane amount of sex dreams involving an awful lot of people I know...  makes things awkward when I have to see them the next day or even a few days later, but I like to think, for the most part, that I have played it off pretty well and not let that make other people feel how awkward I am.  There are only about three people that have heard that information from me directly...  I do wonder if it has something to do with me not sleeping.  What strikes me as odd is which person is appearing in the forefront as the most often recurring.  This is not a person that I had thought of in those terms, nor is it a person that I would have even considered propositioning, but the more often I dream him, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense in my current desperation.

One of my online friends told me that I needed someone to "wear me out".  It's not far from the truth.  The problem is the rest of what I need is no strings attached.  Much as I want to find that, much as I think that I can, the problem falls into my one remaining inhibition.

I've been thinking lately that I've changed in the past less than a year.  I'm still not sure what sparked it, but I don't remember ever being this much of a party girl.  Yes, I was social, even a social butterfly, but never before was "Did you keep your shirt on?" a valid question...  and never before was the answer so often "uh...  *blush*...  no...."

But this one won't be nearly as detailed as the last one.

I am out of the old place.  There are still things I need to collect from Mom's, but for the most part, I'm moved in...  just without a table :(

You know, it's really getting old.  I'm tired of this chaotic time period.

I honestly think that I'm having a nervous breakdown.  Yesterday kind of hammered that home, what with the sobbing and crying and general feeling of helplessness that I found myself in.

I think I was called a bad parent for refusing to parent someone else's child.  I know that I've been imposed upon and, right now, the timing could not be worse.  I still haven't fully moved OUT and have so much more moving IN that it's incredibly daunting.  Now that Spawn is actually motivated to help with the work that needs to be done, it seems like there are roadblocks and having other people try to play the pity me card when I'm in the chaotic flux that I am is just not holding water.  In fact, I think it only serves to piss me the FUCK off.

~FG };^>

I find myself in an interesting situation.  I have many things to be excited about and many things to be anxious about.  I choose to dwell on the excitement.

ONE WEEK!  Oh hell yeah!  One week until I get to have a date with my doctor.  Been waiting a year to see him again and that's very exciting to me.  Although, I must admit, it will break my heart if Dr. Scott has forgotten about me.  Somehow I doubt he will.

Falcon Ridge, DUDE!!!  I simply cannot wait.  I'm gonna play the open mic this time and I'm gonna see my friends and I'm gonna have a blast.  I am soooooo excited about this prospect.

It doesn't seem to matter how busy I get, I always have time to think, whether I like it or not.  Conversations with others facilitate thoughts and lead them down certain paths.

Sex is always a hot topic of conversation, but there are tangents that branch off periodically; among them, marriage, fidelity, loyalty, commitment, attraction...  these tangential conversations often lead me down new paths of thoughts that I don't necessarily want to go.

Recent conversations...  no....  recent questions I have been asked have led me into what could easily become dangerous territory.  Being one of few singles in many (though I doubt "most") of the conversations I have, I get a lot of "would you?" and "do you?" sort of questions.  One that's come up several times is whether or not I would sleep with someone in a committed relationship.  It's something that I have yet to question on more than a theoretical level, but the truth is that I think I would under certain circumstances.

Of course, the moment I answer this question, I have to establish rules that go along with it.  If not for them, then for me.

First off, it's not something I would seek out.  I don't believe that I would ever convince someone to cheat, nor would I even attempt seduce a committed man into an affair.  That's number one.  The intention has to already be there on his part.  Now the question is whether or not I would be a willing participant.

If I knew the significant other, I don't believe that I would be able to go through with it.  The question I find myself asking in this theoretical scenario is whether or not my (specific to me as a person) actions would cause emotional harm or detriment to another.  Granted, the act of cheating will usually cause some sort of detriment to the "wronged" party, regardless of any other circumstances, but the real question here is would that harm be increased by the fact that it was me, specifically?

The last piece goes to intention...  my intention.  What am I looking for?  If I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship, then this is not a good way to start things off.  It opens the door for things to turn around on me and it's simply not a good way to lead into something that should ideally last.  If I have ideas of that sort of commitment or level of involvement, then the answer is no, that's not something you do with long-term intentions.

If I can get past all of those questions and still assure myself that I am not the wronging party, knowing that it's just a fling and I am attracted to this person (obviously), then yes, I would do it.

In a heartbeat.

Moving is a very cleansing experience for me, generally.  It's not just about moving from one physical location to another, it's also about purging, taking stock, reevaluating, and rethinking the things I have come to take for granted.

On some level this is about things like the bathroom being the second door on the left, how not to trip and fall while making my way through the apartment in the dark, where all the light switches are...  but it's also about the other levels of stuff that has accumulated.  Friends, enemies, patterns of thoughts or behaviors.  It is now time to take stock, not just of the things I have, but of who I have become and to determine what needs to be thrown away and what I can keep (even if I don't need it).

Overall, I am a more trusting person than I was when I first moved here, but I was wrapped up at that point in a big ball of distrust... with good reasons that I will not get into right now.  I am also a more wary person than I was, not suspicious, just careful...  cautious, even.  I will admit that I am more jaded, but will deny being bitter, since I don't believe I am. 

Maybe it's the move, maybe it's the upcoming milestone birthday (30), but it's something I can't avoid, nor do I want to.  It's time to take a good hard look at who I am.  Even though I do like who I have become, who I AM now, I certainly feel there is always room for improvement, and if the motivation to improve is presenting itself now, who am I to deny it?

So I am riding this wave of the moment.

~FG };^>

I can't ever get to sleep on Sunday nights.  Even when I go to bed on time or early I just lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling, NOT sleeping.

It's insanely hot right now.  I feel like I'm going to melt.  I spent most of the day with sweat pouring off of me.  Moved NO boxes, nothing at all has gone into the new place, but I did throw a lot of things away and prepped stuff to be moved.  Heh.  I should probably do it now, in the middle of the night, while it's cool outside.  My luck, though, it would just serve to wake me up, not tire me out and I'd be completely worthless tomorrow at work.

I keep looking at how much fucking crap I have and how much of it I actually want to keep.  The stuff in boxes is the stuff I can put off until after the move (forever and ever after, honestly, probably), but the rest of the crap...  I just cannot believe that I save these things.  I try to look at it in a detached manner, none of that "Maybe someday I'll have use for this useless item", but I'm still moving incredible amounts of unnecessary, unimportant junk.

Spawn asked for a teleporter today.  Something we could use to automatically transport all the stuff over to the new apartment.  He is not being as helpful as he could in terms of this move, but at least he *is* working, somewhat.  This heat and humidity is very demotivating.  We're both on a two shower a day schedule and all I can think about is how much cooler the new apartment is.  *sigh*  Crossbreeze and a plethora of ceiling fans.  *daydreams*

Oh man, I really wish I could sleep.  I'm preoccupied with all kinds of things, including the move, sex, boys, friendships, how motherfucking hot it is...  all the usual stuff, but it seems like that "usual stuff" is more in the front of my mind than it usually is.

Once again, as happens periodically, I find myself wishing that I could just turn all my thoughts off.  Just long enough to fall asleep, at least.

~FG };^>