I'm totally off my normal sleep schedule.  This past week I have been at my most productive after midnight, and not tired, so I've been working for several hours at kicking the place into shape and passing out in the wee hours of the morning.  (I have also been playing as hard as I work, so I'm not NEARLY as burnt out as I otherwise would have been.)

Woke up late yesterday, then went out...  drove Awesome Mike's sexah car (making sure I can drive a stick...  practicing the theory that I never before mastered) and then watched a movie...  got home a little before midnight, screwed around on the computer a bit then straight to work.

It is now 1:30pm and I still haven't slept.

I got all the supplies, *most* of the cleaning is done, but I'd like to get more art and suchlike on the walls.  I also need to sweep and probably mop EVERYTHING.  and cook.  and set up.  and buy beer and soda.

Murray is taking me out to get beer and soda after he gets off work.  I think I might just have to pass out for a while before he comes.  My big concern is that I won't wake up...  but I will have to or not have anything to drink at the party.

Good grief, I haven't been quite this tired in a while.  Even when I wasn't sleeping much at all, I don't think that I was working OR playing this hard.

ZzZzZzZzZz...

~FG };^>

Still in the midst of readying the apartment for the party.  Still in the midst of getting things from Mom's.  What this really means right now is a lot of sorting and a lot of throwing things away...  but there's a lot of *not* throwing things away, too.  Decisions that need to me made in terms of what to do with assorted stuff.

Part of this whole sorting process is remembering.  There have been a lot of cool treasures in these boxes of STUFF, but there have been some disturbing things as well...  things I've tried to forget.  When the Spawn was very young, I was incredibly depressed.  Not because of him - he was light and joy for me - but because of everything else.  The marriage, the in-laws, not knowing who I was, being far removed from my family, baggage I hadn't dealt with, a million different things.  And the thing is that while I was so depressed, I was incredibly obese.

I have a lot of issues around my body and what I look like today.  I've maintained a size 16 for about 3-4 years with the occasional flux up to 18 or down to 12 or 14...  but I keep finding pictures from when I was just plain FAT.  I don't mean fat, like I look in the mirror and see something that's not necessarily there - that's where I am today.  I mean fat as in, I could barely fit into a normal-sized seat on an airplane or bus or even in the bucket seat of a car comfortably.

I weighed probably a little over 300lbs.  I wore a size 26.

These days, 7+ years later, I look in the mirror and I still see that image.  I still see what I used to be, but looking at the pictures I find myself reliving the horrors from my psyche at that time.  I remember all those negative emotions and I remember why I had them.

I didn't realize that there were still resentments in me over some of that.  I didn't realize that there are people that I need to forgive...  people who will never ask for it and probably don't even know.  I have always realized, and this just serves as an ugly reminder to me, that someday I will need to apologize to my son for not being a better mother when he was little...  and I'll have to try to do that without skewing the perspective and giving him a not-so-nice opinion of certain people dear to him.

There are a lot of things I simply do not miss.  There are a lot of people that, I am now realizing, are better OUT of my life.  I need to acknowledge that much before I can think about it any more.  There are things I want to say to people who would benefit from it, but they would never hear it from me and I would never make the attempt.

I realize, in this moment, that I missed out on a good 5 or 6 years of my life, almost entirely.  I was immersed in this pit of despair and despondency to the point where I don't even really remember what was going on at that time.

And then I see the pictures...  and I do remember...  and I remember, now, looking back, why.  And who.  And what.  And, you know, there was a reason that I didn't think about this stuff.  There was a reason that I blocked it all out.  I don't want to remember being that non-person.  I don't want to remember all the things that made me that way and brought me to that space.  I don't want to see that fat, miserable, desperate woman...  at least when I see her in the mirror I know she's not real.  When I see the photos I remember that she was.

~FG };^>

Red Eye is an excellent movie, but it is *not* a horror flick.  I was a little disappointed, but I highly enjoyed my time hanging out with Allison, who is so incredibly busy I hardly ever see her.

Well the move being almost complete, I've started unpacking and rifling through boxes.  Some of these boxes have been in storage (read: Mom's basement) for 5+ years now, so I never know what I'm going to find.  In additions to things that I knew I had (like my comics, Spawn's baby books and knick knacky suchlike), I've found a lot of surprises.  Pictures I had forgotten that were taken and a ton of my old writings.

Digging through a box today I found what is currently the coolest thing yet.  It was written in a legal pad on the first page and it's most of a song I wrote several years ago.  I don't remember who I wrote it for, but I know the feelings it elicits.  It excites me so much that I think I have to finish it and I really want to share it.  Since I haven't had any opportunity to record (at all yet), sound file is out of the question, but here are the lyrics for you to enjoy.

I love it when you make me nervous
When you stand a little too close
And I love it when I catch my breath
When you brush my hand with yours on accident
But I don't want to know what you're thinking
I think it might be dangerous
I don't want to know what you're feeling
I think you might feel reckless
(I know that I feel reckless)

I like to talk about the weather
I like to talk about the gods
I like to talk political action
And won't you tell me about your dogs
But I don't want to know what you're thinking
When you look into my eyes
And I don't want to know what you're feeling
I think it might just wreck us
(and I don't want to wreck us)

So, yeah, needs work...  no...  needs more, but I think I can do it.  This will be a fun project that I can work on while I keep working at shaping up the new place.

Cool, eh?

~FG };^>

Children are supplied, at a very young age, with a list of "Don'ts".

• Don't run in the house
• Don't play with fire
• Don't talk to strangers
• Don't get lost
• Don't talk back
• Don't get smart
• Don't be stupid
• Don't DO that

Seems to me that this is a very silly list of rules to give children, especially when you consider that these so-called children are the people we, as parents, as mentors, as friends, are helping to grow up to become whole, healthy and sane people.

Even as a child I didn't like this list and I didn't believe in the rules that grown-ups laid out for me.  As an adult I see inherent flaws in most of the Don't List.

Don't run in the house:
Well screw that.  Sometimes you HAVE to.  If the phone is in the living room and I'm in the office.  If I hear a person call out in pain or anguish.  If I hear the cats fighting or a large crash or something break, you can damn well bet, I will RUN to find out what the problem is.  I run in the house all the time.

Don't play with fire:
Ok, little ones, no, they shouldn't.  End of story.  But older ones and adults?  How many of us love to have candles or incense burning in the house?  How many can honestly say they've never been to a bonfire?  What about BBQs?  That's, in essence, playing with fire, as is roasting marshmallows, which often starts at a young age.  Playing with fire is warming, fun and sometimes nourishing.

Don't talk to strangers:
I addressed this one briefly in a previous post.  As a small child I asked my mother, "Why do they say not to talk to strangers?  If you never talk to strangers, how will you ever make new friends?"  I still believe that and I make a point to talk to strangers almost every day.  I network this way.  I get to know my neighbors this way.  Sometimes I can make a small child smile or laugh and sometimes I bring comfort to a lonely old man or woman, just by listening to whatever it is they have to say.  Talking to strangers is necessary and healthy and I truly believe that too few people do it often enough to make a difference.

Don't get lost:
Ok, I see the point.  Children need to be able to find their way back to where they started and many sheltered children cannot.  But I think that getting lost and developing the ability to take care of yourself and find your way home, whether alone or with assistance is something not enough people know how to do.  Beyond the physical aspect of spacial geography, it's sometimes necessary to lose yourself emotionally or mentally in order to come back to a place from where you can then move on.  I've felt sane and safe on numerous occasions, but it wasn't until I allowed myself to get a little lost that I was actually able to progress to the next stage of whatever it was I needed to do.

Don't talk back:
Think carefully about this one, especially if this phrase has ever passed your lips.  What are you really saying with this?  "Don't assert yourself.  Don't stand up for what you believe in.  Don't stand up for what's right.  Swallow everything you hear from authority.  Don't be your own person.  Follow suit.  Status quo."  In some situations this is appropriate, but do we really want to teach our children or anyone around us to be sheep, to be doormats?  Taken at face value, think about your daughters or those girls you love.  Do you want them to roll over if they wind up in an abuse relationship?  Do you want your sons and daughters to work middle management the rest of their lives being passed over for promotion because they lack that spark?  That fire?  That passion?  This is not a lesson people should learn.  Instead, I think, children should be taught to choose their battles wisely.

Don't get smart:
Oh come on.  I shouldn't even need to explain this one to ANYONE...  unless you, who are reading this, took that phrase to heart, in which case, you probably wouldn't understand anyway.

Don't be stupid:
Well, you know, sometimes stupid isn't a bad thing.  Naivete can be a powerful tool when used by the right people in the right situations.  Stupidity can lead to the most incredibly useful blunders.  Being stupid, while not recommended in all or even most situations, can cause greater understanding after explanations take place.

I do stupid things on a regular basis.  Sometimes I do them on purpose, sometimes it's not at all intentional, but most of the time it turns out to be fun.  People are flabbergasted at some of the things I do, but I almost always learn from the experiences and often meet new people for doing it.  Rarely (and only in the most extreme cases) is my stupidity dangerous.  Usually it's just silly and most of the time it's also fun.

Don't DO that:
But why?  What's wrong with those things that step outside of our happy little boxes of comfort?  We all make mistakes, it's inevitable.  We can't protect OURSELVES, let alone others from making mistakes, the best we can hope for is to learn from them and not make them again.  This is the lesson that children need to learn.  How to take the lessons out of the mistakes, not to avoid making them in the first place.

I say, talk to strangers, play with fire (safely), be smart, say what you feel, have passion, LIVE.  Don't take at face value all those restrictions we place on the successive generations simply because they were placed upon us and we didn't want to think them through.

~FG };^>

It's been an incredibly long day.  Went to camp for Visitor's Day to visit the Spawn and had a nice time.  I enjoyed the round-trip with the Dragonmaker and got some really good gossip that I'm not inclined to state on the internet.

Went over to mom's to pick up the table, chairs and some misc. stuff...  I am wiped out.  I have 5 days of hard work ahead of me to get ready for this damn party.  Hopefully Chaos will take me up on my offer to give him a place to stay this week in exchange for his assistance in readying the house.

Part of me wants it done for when Spawn comes home.  Part of me needs it done for the party, but let's be completely honest here...  I just want it DONE.

So tired...  want to sleep...  too damned many stairs...

~FG };^>

So I found myself in the first-wave of the closed beta test for a new, upcoming MMORPG that I have been waiting forever for.  I don't want to list it because I am under a Non-Disclosure Agreement, but rest assured, as soon as that is lifted, I will be posting screenshots because this game is cool as hell.

Right now, the beta test takes place for two hours a day, five days (M-F) a week.  That's it, that's all, there is no other time to play this game.  Having beta tested before, I understand this.  The game is in the early stages of completion and there's a whole lot of work that needs to be done.

What I simply cannot understand is the sheer idiocy that some people exhibit when "discussing" the game.  There was a recent thread on the beta forums (and this is not the only time) where some idiot stated "You're here to test, not here to level."  You also hear a lot of "You're here to test, not here to play."

What I just don't get is how these idiots think that a game can be tested without people playing it.  I mean, yeah, ok, there are bugs to find and servers to crash, but when you're testing content and gameplay, you have to play the game, you have to level in order to progress and see what the game has to offer and where the glaring issues are.  Am I wrong?

These people seem to think they know better than anyone else what testing means.  It's almost as if they are working actively to *not* have fun because they have this job to do.  I don't know about anyone else, but I strive to have fun even when I'm working, regardless of what I'm working at.  If it's a 9-5 job, I'm still trying to have fun, but when it is a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, it's even more important that I have fun.  If the game is not fun, then the game itself is a failure and there is something serious that needs to be changed or added.

It also baffles me that so many people think they can tell the developers what they *should* be doing.  No regard for the fact that these people have lives outside of their programming and development capacities, they simply demand that more hours be available, not so they can test, but so they can play.  With the instability that comes with such an early-stages game, the servers must be babysat in case something goes wrong, but these entitled people have no problems saying "You should power up the servers on weekends because that's when I have the most time to play."

I just don't get it.  So many people think that they know better than anyone else what should and CAN happen and the vast majority of them have little to no experience with computers or programming.  You'd think there'd be at least a little understanding of how time-intensive this sort of thing is, you'd think there'd be a little appreciation for getting in on the ground floor of testing, you'd think there'd be some sense of community since everyone is new and learning as they go.

But, of course, there isn't.  There's just a whole lot of selfishness and ego tossing around.

All that said, and to be fair, there are a whole lot of people who DO get it.  Problem is they seem to fade into the woodwork, while the idiots all around me stand in the middle of the fray shouting (for all intents and purposes) obscenities at the very people who have essentially done them a favor.

It bothers me.

~FG };^>

Sucks.  Most of my friends are out of town again.  Once again, there was no poker.  I want to go out and play, but I'm tired of going by myself.  Thank goodness War comes back from Pennsic today, maybe she'll be up for playing some tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Visitor's Day at camp.  I'll go with the Dragonmaker to visit the Spawn.  I'm looking forward to the visit, less so to the ride.  Thinking maybe I should plan to bring a good book or something so I don't have to talk all that much...  but I do miss the kid and it will be good to see him.

No one is around :(  I want to talk to someone, but no one answers their phone.  But let's be honest here, the one person that I really want to talk to...  I lost his number (*taps on screen*  I lost your number) and he doesn't like to talk on the phone anyway...  so it's unlikely he'd even answer, let alone be up for a gab-fest...  with me...

So Mom plans on moving, which means I have to get all my stuff out of her basement.  She kept harassing me, telling me I had all kinds of crap down there, but I went over today and I have a couple of pieces of furniture and a total of about 6 boxes.  Whatever that crap down there is, it's not mine.  It was pretty exhausting, though, just going through that stuff.  I found some interesting memories in certain boxes, and things I forgot I had.

Part of me can't wait to go through my file cabinets, if for no other reason than I have all kinds of interesting things I've forgotten about.  Even things that I can toss will hold memories of old cars and circumstances I have likely forgotten.

I found Spawn's baby books, an old photo album with random pics, I found my old HS yearbooks (haven't dared yet to open them and relive some of those memories.  I wonder how many people I've forgotten about) and several stories finished and unfinished.  I remember writing pages and pages and pages, but the longest ones never got finished.  I guess that somewhere inside of me there's still this understanding that I will, one day, write a Great American novel.  I refuse to say "the" since there have been many before me and there will be many after me.

I dunno.  I just wish I had something to DO, or at least someone to share these reclaimed memories with...  as it stands, I write in my blog only until it's time to watch bad Sci-Fi on television.

One week to my party...  tomorrow I start cleaning the house and getting the necessary furniture to make things work.

I need more shelves...

~FG };^>

These are really starting to bother me.  At first I was able to chalk them up to the insane heat, but now that it's cooled off, there's no good reason for me to still be up at 3:10am.

My thoughts race with all kinds of things I doubt I'll ever have the brass to say out loud.  I keep thinking I should write it into a song one of these days "I want to moan your name in the throes of ecstasy" and then never ever tell who I wrote it for.  Not that I'm even entirely sure who it would honestly be for.  There's one name/face that comes up for me when I think it (and girls, you would be wrong if you even ventured to guess, I can almost guarantee).

I've been having an insane amount of sex dreams involving an awful lot of people I know...  makes things awkward when I have to see them the next day or even a few days later, but I like to think, for the most part, that I have played it off pretty well and not let that make other people feel how awkward I am.  There are only about three people that have heard that information from me directly...  I do wonder if it has something to do with me not sleeping.  What strikes me as odd is which person is appearing in the forefront as the most often recurring.  This is not a person that I had thought of in those terms, nor is it a person that I would have even considered propositioning, but the more often I dream him, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense in my current desperation.

One of my online friends told me that I needed someone to "wear me out".  It's not far from the truth.  The problem is the rest of what I need is no strings attached.  Much as I want to find that, much as I think that I can, the problem falls into my one remaining inhibition.

I've been thinking lately that I've changed in the past less than a year.  I'm still not sure what sparked it, but I don't remember ever being this much of a party girl.  Yes, I was social, even a social butterfly, but never before was "Did you keep your shirt on?" a valid question...  and never before was the answer so often "uh...  *blush*...  no...."

But this one won't be nearly as detailed as the last one.

I am out of the old place.  There are still things I need to collect from Mom's, but for the most part, I'm moved in...  just without a table :(