So for the past 5 months now, I have been expecting a drug test.  Stopped smoking of the green in preparation and gave up poppy seeds.  I don't miss the pot, but I do miss the seeds.

Hard rolls, bagels, lemon poppy seed muffins.  I LOVE these things and, until I actually take a drug test, I cannot have any of them, for fear of being thought a junkie.

Man, I just want poppy seeds again.  There are no track marks.  Check my arms, check between my toes - no track marks.  I would never stick a needle in my vein.  I just want a muffin!

The second they let me pee in their cup and the test comes back negative, I'm going to sit me down with a poppy seed bagel, a sandwich on a poppy seed hardroll and a lemon poppy seed muffin and I am going to go to town.

I never really thought that I felt this way about those stupid black seeds that get stuck in your teeth, but I tell ya, all I really want is a goddamned muffin.

~FG };^>

So...  yeah...  I got the job!  Yee ha!  This is very exciting.

Honestly, this is probably one of the best places I've ever worked for a lot of different reasons.  It's been a social boost and, in terms of networking, has really helped me out.  It's expanded my choices for socialization and gotten me a great group of friends.  It's also challenged me professionally to really make use of the things I've learned over the course of working in IT.

I am *so excited* to be going back there.  It really really seems like a cosmic birthday present.  I don't want to put too much into what's going on and what's to come, but I'm starting to think that 30 might be a pretty damn good year.  I know that 29 surely was.

So this is it, really.  My last day in my twenties.  I can't say I have regrets, at least not in terms of things I would do differently or change.  I really like who I am and who I'm becoming.  The choices I've made in the past 5 or so years have been very smart and healthy choices to make.  Part of me wants to make resolutions of some sort, but I don't like to write those things down, in case of failure.

Let's just say that there are a couple of things that I will be changing about myself, they are between me and myself for the moment.  I'm sure, as they begin to occur, they are things that will prompt me to write and share with the anonymous readers and even the not-so-anonymous ones.

~FG };^>

It's true, sometimes things just happen the right way and you never know why or when it will occur in that fashion.  This has been one of those weeks.

Getting things together for the party just fell into place.  The party itself kind of fell into place.  Today, I got a phone call from someone I used to work with, wanting to consider me for a new contract back at the same site.  I should know more tomorrow.

The timing on this is excellent.  My birthday is in two days, so happy fucking birthday to me! (In a good way.)  It sounds like they would want me to start pretty soon and the Spawn starts school right after Labor Day, so it looks like the timing would be ideal - finding out as a birthday present and starting as the kid goes back to school.

It strikes me that my friends are true, both the ones who came and the ones who didn't (who have been calling and emailing me with well wishes and regrets of not being able to make it).  I have a circle that I am very fond of...  several of them, actually, starting to intertwine.

My dreams are subsiding, which is good, but my fantasies are running a little more rampant.  I consider this a good thing, since I can control the fantasies and the dreams are the ones that I don't always know are not actually happening in that moment.  Of course, the other end of the dreams being so realistic is when I think that certain aspects of real life (often in an inebriated state) are not real, but all in my subconscious sleeping mind.  I think that might be worse.

My parents were the reigning king and queen of parties when I was growing up.  2-5 times a year they would have these incredibly parties that would last for 2 days sometimes and would garner anywhere from 50 to 100 people at them.  It was fun and crazy and that was a large part of my upbringing, seeing all these people from various walks of life, all come together in celebration of...  whatever there was to celebrate.

After they split up, my mother was still the party queen and would throw one or two major bashes a year.  This stopped about 2 years ago when mom decided she was burnt out on playing hostess and cleaning up before/after each party.  He parties are much, MUCH smaller now, and less frequent.

I thought for a while that maybe I just didn't have the party gene.  That somehow it had skipped a generation.  Every party I tried to throw in my 20's was a miserable failure with a handful of close friends showing up - usually only around 4.  That, to me, is not a party.

Well, this year I have a big shiny apartment and I'm turning 30.  If ever there was another time to try again, this would be it.  So I started planning a couple weeks ago and the party was last night.

And finally, after years of failures, this one was a success.  About 20 people showed up through the course of the night, it didn't go til all hours, but it went for many hours.  It was a nice guest list and I had a fabulous time, as it seemed, did everyone else.

Some people brought me presents, there was no real mess and everyone had a really good time.  Finally, a wonderful success.  The last attempt at a party in my 20's finally pays off.

Mom says "Your friends are weird".  Like she's one to talk.  I think I'm going to have to do this again...  and again...  and maybe, just maybe, now that Mom is burnt on the whole having a party thing, I can usurp her crown.

~FG };^>

I'm totally off my normal sleep schedule.  This past week I have been at my most productive after midnight, and not tired, so I've been working for several hours at kicking the place into shape and passing out in the wee hours of the morning.  (I have also been playing as hard as I work, so I'm not NEARLY as burnt out as I otherwise would have been.)

Woke up late yesterday, then went out...  drove Awesome Mike's sexah car (making sure I can drive a stick...  practicing the theory that I never before mastered) and then watched a movie...  got home a little before midnight, screwed around on the computer a bit then straight to work.

It is now 1:30pm and I still haven't slept.

I got all the supplies, *most* of the cleaning is done, but I'd like to get more art and suchlike on the walls.  I also need to sweep and probably mop EVERYTHING.  and cook.  and set up.  and buy beer and soda.

Murray is taking me out to get beer and soda after he gets off work.  I think I might just have to pass out for a while before he comes.  My big concern is that I won't wake up...  but I will have to or not have anything to drink at the party.

Good grief, I haven't been quite this tired in a while.  Even when I wasn't sleeping much at all, I don't think that I was working OR playing this hard.

ZzZzZzZzZz...

~FG };^>

Still in the midst of readying the apartment for the party.  Still in the midst of getting things from Mom's.  What this really means right now is a lot of sorting and a lot of throwing things away...  but there's a lot of *not* throwing things away, too.  Decisions that need to me made in terms of what to do with assorted stuff.

Part of this whole sorting process is remembering.  There have been a lot of cool treasures in these boxes of STUFF, but there have been some disturbing things as well...  things I've tried to forget.  When the Spawn was very young, I was incredibly depressed.  Not because of him - he was light and joy for me - but because of everything else.  The marriage, the in-laws, not knowing who I was, being far removed from my family, baggage I hadn't dealt with, a million different things.  And the thing is that while I was so depressed, I was incredibly obese.

I have a lot of issues around my body and what I look like today.  I've maintained a size 16 for about 3-4 years with the occasional flux up to 18 or down to 12 or 14...  but I keep finding pictures from when I was just plain FAT.  I don't mean fat, like I look in the mirror and see something that's not necessarily there - that's where I am today.  I mean fat as in, I could barely fit into a normal-sized seat on an airplane or bus or even in the bucket seat of a car comfortably.

I weighed probably a little over 300lbs.  I wore a size 26.

These days, 7+ years later, I look in the mirror and I still see that image.  I still see what I used to be, but looking at the pictures I find myself reliving the horrors from my psyche at that time.  I remember all those negative emotions and I remember why I had them.

I didn't realize that there were still resentments in me over some of that.  I didn't realize that there are people that I need to forgive...  people who will never ask for it and probably don't even know.  I have always realized, and this just serves as an ugly reminder to me, that someday I will need to apologize to my son for not being a better mother when he was little...  and I'll have to try to do that without skewing the perspective and giving him a not-so-nice opinion of certain people dear to him.

There are a lot of things I simply do not miss.  There are a lot of people that, I am now realizing, are better OUT of my life.  I need to acknowledge that much before I can think about it any more.  There are things I want to say to people who would benefit from it, but they would never hear it from me and I would never make the attempt.

I realize, in this moment, that I missed out on a good 5 or 6 years of my life, almost entirely.  I was immersed in this pit of despair and despondency to the point where I don't even really remember what was going on at that time.

And then I see the pictures...  and I do remember...  and I remember, now, looking back, why.  And who.  And what.  And, you know, there was a reason that I didn't think about this stuff.  There was a reason that I blocked it all out.  I don't want to remember being that non-person.  I don't want to remember all the things that made me that way and brought me to that space.  I don't want to see that fat, miserable, desperate woman...  at least when I see her in the mirror I know she's not real.  When I see the photos I remember that she was.

~FG };^>

Red Eye is an excellent movie, but it is *not* a horror flick.  I was a little disappointed, but I highly enjoyed my time hanging out with Allison, who is so incredibly busy I hardly ever see her.

Well the move being almost complete, I've started unpacking and rifling through boxes.  Some of these boxes have been in storage (read: Mom's basement) for 5+ years now, so I never know what I'm going to find.  In additions to things that I knew I had (like my comics, Spawn's baby books and knick knacky suchlike), I've found a lot of surprises.  Pictures I had forgotten that were taken and a ton of my old writings.

Digging through a box today I found what is currently the coolest thing yet.  It was written in a legal pad on the first page and it's most of a song I wrote several years ago.  I don't remember who I wrote it for, but I know the feelings it elicits.  It excites me so much that I think I have to finish it and I really want to share it.  Since I haven't had any opportunity to record (at all yet), sound file is out of the question, but here are the lyrics for you to enjoy.

I love it when you make me nervous
When you stand a little too close
And I love it when I catch my breath
When you brush my hand with yours on accident
But I don't want to know what you're thinking
I think it might be dangerous
I don't want to know what you're feeling
I think you might feel reckless
(I know that I feel reckless)

I like to talk about the weather
I like to talk about the gods
I like to talk political action
And won't you tell me about your dogs
But I don't want to know what you're thinking
When you look into my eyes
And I don't want to know what you're feeling
I think it might just wreck us
(and I don't want to wreck us)

So, yeah, needs work...  no...  needs more, but I think I can do it.  This will be a fun project that I can work on while I keep working at shaping up the new place.

Cool, eh?

~FG };^>

Children are supplied, at a very young age, with a list of "Don'ts".

• Don't run in the house
• Don't play with fire
• Don't talk to strangers
• Don't get lost
• Don't talk back
• Don't get smart
• Don't be stupid
• Don't DO that

Seems to me that this is a very silly list of rules to give children, especially when you consider that these so-called children are the people we, as parents, as mentors, as friends, are helping to grow up to become whole, healthy and sane people.

Even as a child I didn't like this list and I didn't believe in the rules that grown-ups laid out for me.  As an adult I see inherent flaws in most of the Don't List.

Don't run in the house:
Well screw that.  Sometimes you HAVE to.  If the phone is in the living room and I'm in the office.  If I hear a person call out in pain or anguish.  If I hear the cats fighting or a large crash or something break, you can damn well bet, I will RUN to find out what the problem is.  I run in the house all the time.

Don't play with fire:
Ok, little ones, no, they shouldn't.  End of story.  But older ones and adults?  How many of us love to have candles or incense burning in the house?  How many can honestly say they've never been to a bonfire?  What about BBQs?  That's, in essence, playing with fire, as is roasting marshmallows, which often starts at a young age.  Playing with fire is warming, fun and sometimes nourishing.

Don't talk to strangers:
I addressed this one briefly in a previous post.  As a small child I asked my mother, "Why do they say not to talk to strangers?  If you never talk to strangers, how will you ever make new friends?"  I still believe that and I make a point to talk to strangers almost every day.  I network this way.  I get to know my neighbors this way.  Sometimes I can make a small child smile or laugh and sometimes I bring comfort to a lonely old man or woman, just by listening to whatever it is they have to say.  Talking to strangers is necessary and healthy and I truly believe that too few people do it often enough to make a difference.

Don't get lost:
Ok, I see the point.  Children need to be able to find their way back to where they started and many sheltered children cannot.  But I think that getting lost and developing the ability to take care of yourself and find your way home, whether alone or with assistance is something not enough people know how to do.  Beyond the physical aspect of spacial geography, it's sometimes necessary to lose yourself emotionally or mentally in order to come back to a place from where you can then move on.  I've felt sane and safe on numerous occasions, but it wasn't until I allowed myself to get a little lost that I was actually able to progress to the next stage of whatever it was I needed to do.

Don't talk back:
Think carefully about this one, especially if this phrase has ever passed your lips.  What are you really saying with this?  "Don't assert yourself.  Don't stand up for what you believe in.  Don't stand up for what's right.  Swallow everything you hear from authority.  Don't be your own person.  Follow suit.  Status quo."  In some situations this is appropriate, but do we really want to teach our children or anyone around us to be sheep, to be doormats?  Taken at face value, think about your daughters or those girls you love.  Do you want them to roll over if they wind up in an abuse relationship?  Do you want your sons and daughters to work middle management the rest of their lives being passed over for promotion because they lack that spark?  That fire?  That passion?  This is not a lesson people should learn.  Instead, I think, children should be taught to choose their battles wisely.

Don't get smart:
Oh come on.  I shouldn't even need to explain this one to ANYONE...  unless you, who are reading this, took that phrase to heart, in which case, you probably wouldn't understand anyway.

Don't be stupid:
Well, you know, sometimes stupid isn't a bad thing.  Naivete can be a powerful tool when used by the right people in the right situations.  Stupidity can lead to the most incredibly useful blunders.  Being stupid, while not recommended in all or even most situations, can cause greater understanding after explanations take place.

I do stupid things on a regular basis.  Sometimes I do them on purpose, sometimes it's not at all intentional, but most of the time it turns out to be fun.  People are flabbergasted at some of the things I do, but I almost always learn from the experiences and often meet new people for doing it.  Rarely (and only in the most extreme cases) is my stupidity dangerous.  Usually it's just silly and most of the time it's also fun.

Don't DO that:
But why?  What's wrong with those things that step outside of our happy little boxes of comfort?  We all make mistakes, it's inevitable.  We can't protect OURSELVES, let alone others from making mistakes, the best we can hope for is to learn from them and not make them again.  This is the lesson that children need to learn.  How to take the lessons out of the mistakes, not to avoid making them in the first place.

I say, talk to strangers, play with fire (safely), be smart, say what you feel, have passion, LIVE.  Don't take at face value all those restrictions we place on the successive generations simply because they were placed upon us and we didn't want to think them through.

~FG };^>

It's been an incredibly long day.  Went to camp for Visitor's Day to visit the Spawn and had a nice time.  I enjoyed the round-trip with the Dragonmaker and got some really good gossip that I'm not inclined to state on the internet.

Went over to mom's to pick up the table, chairs and some misc. stuff...  I am wiped out.  I have 5 days of hard work ahead of me to get ready for this damn party.  Hopefully Chaos will take me up on my offer to give him a place to stay this week in exchange for his assistance in readying the house.

Part of me wants it done for when Spawn comes home.  Part of me needs it done for the party, but let's be completely honest here...  I just want it DONE.

So tired...  want to sleep...  too damned many stairs...

~FG };^>