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Thursday, September 08, 2005
"You party like a rock and roller"
They said "You're not supposed to stay out late on a schoolnight." I told them, "When I start getting hangovers, I'll stop staying out late on schoolnights :-P" Then they told me that I party like a rock and roller. I liked it enough to not explain that rock and rollers, One, have a lot more money than I do (or find ways to get it) and Two, do a whole lot more drugs.
Once again I find myself functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I think that's my bare minimum. I am at peak performance with 6 or 7.5, but 3 is the least amount I need to make it through the day. 9 is probably the maximum before I start to suffer from too much sleep.
I didn't get home until 2:30 last night and, after I did, my sleep was mostly broken. I remember dreaming that I was taking a nap. I think dreams about sleeping should count double for sleep. Sadly, they do not. They may just count as half.
So last night 'twas the open mic again... where I totally CRAPPED OUT when I got onstage. People were lying to me that I was good. I appreciate that. I don't mind if they like it, but it wasn't actually good. Thankfully Mike put it into excellent terms that I could accept. "You didn't break your rhythm, you kept going, the way you could mostly tell when you screwed up was the look on your face." Fair enough.
Mike's birthday hit at midnight, so I enticed Mother Judge to lead the open mic audience in a horrible, public rendition of Happy Birthday, just for Mike. He was a little embarrassed, but to tell the truth, I think he got off on it a little. There's something cool about a roomful of musicians serenading you.
I still don't know if I'll be called out tonight. Since Mike took me out on my birthday, I cannot say no to him on his. However, I won't be broken hearted if I don't hear from him. Sleep would do me a world of good... another night of partying will leave me barely able to function tomorrow. Not that that stops me as yet.
Tomorrow is poker. Ryan is a real card, man. I had my first IM conversation with him today and it was... well, it was memorable. I'm glad I've known Ryan for a while IRL before talking to him in IM. If I didn't know him in person, I think the reality of it would surprise me. As it is, I appreciate being able to see and hear his mannerisms in his typing. He has arranged my transportation for tomorrow. Mike'll pick me up, but I can't get hammered because... heh... *singsongs* I get to drive the Mustang home. That's pretty sweet, but I think I need to work out the logistics of this plan.
Still feeling a little unrequited, but I'm a lot less confused than I was before. I found a little unexpected clarity when I wasn't looking for it and I woke up this morning and my lingering back and forth girly little crush was GONE. I seriously just don't care anymore and that is a real weight off my shoulders. Considering I've been trying to work through the actual feelings directed in another way, *not* crushing is a happy new point for me.
Of course, crushes are a lot more fun than feelings. Feelings are scary. Feelings make me nervous. Feelings aren't that tee hee hee lightheartedness that I was enjoying for a while. Feelings are big and feelings are real. Frankly, though, I feel less confused than I did before, which makes me even more nervous than I had been. Butterflies and knots plagued my stomach for a long time earlier today when I had this one stupid thought. I had to take a nap to make them go away.
Well, sort of. Mostly, though, I just had to take a nap.
Huh. I totally forgot where I was going to take that. Sleep is important. I should probably sleep. It's just about 10, I'm gonna turn into a pumpkin at 1 even if do go out, but unless they call me in about the next (let's be honest here) hour or less, I'll just go out and play tomorrow and take today to recover.
Yeah. Recover. Sleep. I'm all about that. I just don't want to dream about sleeping.
~FG };^>
Posted at 21:58 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
He says that if I've got a good thing going, I shouldn't mess it up with complications. She says "I told you so". He says that I should ignore it all and let it go. She says she thinks it would be a good thing.
Meanwhile, *he* says nothing at all...
So then he says "I don't know, Fyre, I just think you're putting too much thought into something that could put too many things in jeopardy." And she says "Well, let's think this through."
Meanwhile, I pine away in silence, far too frightened to say a word...
He says, "How can you not know what happened to get you to this point?" She says "When did you figure it out?" I don't have an answer for either. He says "You're attractive enough. Go find someone else." She says "You two would be so cute together." He says I should pursue other (non-existent options). She says she's gonna lock us in a room together with a six-pack. I say that I don't want to pursue this, let alone options I'm unaware of, and locking us in a room with a six-pack would likely result in a rousing night of Rummy 500 or Spit.
He says it's not worth the pain. She says to ride it out.
She suggests ways of saying something without saying a word. Then she says I told you so. She says "Wow, you do have it bad" when I explain *how bad* I've got it. She laughs at my creative endeavors in the hopes of getting it all out. I keep expecting her to sing "Fyre and ***** sitting in a tree...", but I think she's a little kinder than that.
My friends are really no help at all, but talking about it makes me feel a little better.
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:51 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, September 02, 2005
So... where did I leave off? I guess we were on Tuesday when I stopped writing and got completely wrapped up in the revelry and festivities.
Wednesday:
I woke up to the phone ringing. I answered and she said "Can you start tomorrow?" Woo hoo! Happy fucking birthday! I couldn't (which was probably a good thing anyway), but I told her I would start on Friday (today). All is well.
Had the day to myself and spent the early part quietly at home. Chatted with some friends in IM and on the phone, did a little reading, played a little guitar... it was nice.
Over to Mom's for cake. She made me a wonderful fruit shortcake with fresh and frozen fruits. Most of my family was there, it was more intimate than the other birthdays, which I liked. Went home, dropped off "my loot" and headed out with Mike and Murray.
We went to "that faggy bar with the patio that we went to that one time" (the night of Too Many Shots, actually), but that faggy bar was very quiet and too grown-up, so we bounced. We wound up in a wine bar where I ran into an old dear friend of mine who I hadn't seen in many months. We stayed until Last Call and then Mike pussed out on us and went home. Murray walked me home and we chatted and drank until the wee hours of the morning.
Murray is a good person to pour your heart out to. I trust him more than I feel I ought to, but I assume that's just my cagey, private nature speaking, as opposed to something about *him*.
Haha! After he left I was wasted and I mean WASTED, in no uncertain terms. I made some drunken diatribe on the Stratics OT forums that I can barely even translate and chatted *all* night long with some friends who were quite understanding. (And, damn, man, Fanny can read drunken IMs like nobody's business. That has got to be a marketable talent somewhere.)
Thursday:
So, yeah, damn good thing that I didn't actually start work *this* morning. Especially seeing as how I didn't even crawl out of bed until sometime around 2pm. Spent time with the kid for most of the day, did a little shopping, and headed to Mom's for dinner and Austin's birthday. Another big family thing, like Mom's. Bigger than Mom's, actually, I think. Good cake, fun times, find out the spawn is headed to a friend's house to spend the night.
So, fickle, fickle, me, I wind up making it to the poker game. Asty says "So, I guess I left the party too early. I missed out on all the kissing!" KS and I exchange this incredibly puzzled glance, only to eventually figure out that he's talking about when Lisa decided to molest me:
Which really, wasn't all that big a deal, but to hear the stories, my party was a lot more wild than it was in reality.
I really wish my hair hadn't been tied up in all the pictures... had I thought about it, I would have done *something* with it.
Anyway, those there for the comments who did *not* make the party, will probably make a point to come to the next one, if at all possible. Maybe that one *will* be more wild. I guess it partly depends on what their expectations are... *shrug* no worries, parties are parties and as long as no one calls the cops, I'm sure it will be a success.
Home around 11, and to bed with me!
Friday:
I think the worst part about the first day was all the people saying "So, how's your first day back?" First days are always crappy. There's little productivity because things are just not set up right and there's that need to settle in and acclimate. Whatever, first day is over, thank gods.
Everyone was really happy to see me. It turns out that someone I've been a little upset about has been emailing me for the past couple weeks. I haven't received a thing and thought that I was totally being blown off and blah blah blah, but he's been emailing me... Now I'm not sure where I'm at with it. Time will tell.
Stayed late, because Mike LIVES at work and was my ride, but OMG, so worth it... When we left, we went to the airport so he could trade in his rental car for something better. Sexy cherry red Mustang convertable. He doesn't really like the way it handles, but DAMN, I just liked riding around with the top down. Mike drives faster than anyone else I know, so it was just... damn... yeah... Sexy car...
Grabbed some dinner, didn't get lost and headed home.
So here I am now, trying to decompress and download all the stuff. Girl might come up this weekend to help me finish the beer and the Jager, play some cards and just hang out. I really hope she does. I've had a most excellent week and a WONDERFUL birthday, but I just have some stuff playing in the back of my mind. Some of it I've said out loud. Some of it I've been thinking and talking about for days or weeks, but there's something funny in my headspace and I need to figure some of this stuff out.
I think I may be confused about a couple of things. I think I could very easily make some really bad or stupid decisions or actions right about now, so all this stuff needs to be sorted out, pronto, and I think I need some help doing that. Girl is my sounding board. Girl is my voice of reason. As much as I love and trust a small number of other people, I think she may be the only one who can get me through this right now, only because I need to do this one face to face... I simply can't get it out over the phone.
I am totally exhausted, but in a good way. I haven't felt like this... well... maybe ever. It's this revelric exhaustion that comes from an influx of VERY good things and a lot of partying and a LOT of alcohol and a FUCKLOT of cake.
Honestly, I can't wait to see what the rest of the month... what the rest of this 31st year of mine has to bring. If the past week is any indication, I could be in for a Wild Ride.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:28 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
The birthday post, that is. It was quite a night, it's been quite a week, but I've been so busy with ALL the birthdays and the poker and the starting of the new job that I simply do not have time to do it.
Soon, my dears, soon... before the weekend is out, I swear.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:53 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I just want to pee in *somebody's* cup!
So for the past 5 months now, I have been expecting a drug test. Stopped smoking of the green in preparation and gave up poppy seeds. I don't miss the pot, but I do miss the seeds.
Hard rolls, bagels, lemon poppy seed muffins. I LOVE these things and, until I actually take a drug test, I cannot have any of them, for fear of being thought a junkie.
Man, I just want poppy seeds again. There are no track marks. Check my arms, check between my toes - no track marks. I would never stick a needle in my vein. I just want a muffin!
The second they let me pee in their cup and the test comes back negative, I'm going to sit me down with a poppy seed bagel, a sandwich on a poppy seed hardroll and a lemon poppy seed muffin and I am going to go to town.
I never really thought that I felt this way about those stupid black seeds that get stuck in your teeth, but I tell ya, all I really want is a goddamned muffin.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:12 by FyreGoddess
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Woo Hoo! *does a little dance*
So... yeah... I got the job! Yee ha! This is very exciting.
Honestly, this is probably one of the best places I've ever worked for a lot of different reasons. It's been a social boost and, in terms of networking, has really helped me out. It's expanded my choices for socialization and gotten me a great group of friends. It's also challenged me professionally to really make use of the things I've learned over the course of working in IT.
I am *so excited* to be going back there. It really really seems like a cosmic birthday present. I don't want to put too much into what's going on and what's to come, but I'm starting to think that 30 might be a pretty damn good year. I know that 29 surely was.
So this is it, really. My last day in my twenties. I can't say I have regrets, at least not in terms of things I would do differently or change. I really like who I am and who I'm becoming. The choices I've made in the past 5 or so years have been very smart and healthy choices to make. Part of me wants to make resolutions of some sort, but I don't like to write those things down, in case of failure.
Let's just say that there are a couple of things that I will be changing about myself, they are between me and myself for the moment. I'm sure, as they begin to occur, they are things that will prompt me to write and share with the anonymous readers and even the not-so-anonymous ones.
~FG };^>
Posted at 11:41 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, August 29, 2005
Sometimes things just fall into place.
It's true, sometimes things just happen the right way and you never know why or when it will occur in that fashion. This has been one of those weeks.
Getting things together for the party just fell into place. The party itself kind of fell into place. Today, I got a phone call from someone I used to work with, wanting to consider me for a new contract back at the same site. I should know more tomorrow.
The timing on this is excellent. My birthday is in two days, so happy fucking birthday to me! (In a good way.) It sounds like they would want me to start pretty soon and the Spawn starts school right after Labor Day, so it looks like the timing would be ideal - finding out as a birthday present and starting as the kid goes back to school.
It strikes me that my friends are true, both the ones who came and the ones who didn't (who have been calling and emailing me with well wishes and regrets of not being able to make it). I have a circle that I am very fond of... several of them, actually, starting to intertwine.
My dreams are subsiding, which is good, but my fantasies are running a little more rampant. I consider this a good thing, since I can control the fantasies and the dreams are the ones that I don't always know are not actually happening in that moment. Of course, the other end of the dreams being so realistic is when I think that certain aspects of real life (often in an inebriated state) are not real, but all in my subconscious sleeping mind. I think that might be worse.
Things are looking up. Things are looking good. I don't want to put too much stock in it, but I might, after 30 years of crappy times, finally, finally have a really nice birthday.
And on a Wednesday of all days. How fucking cool would that be?
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:44 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
My parents were the reigning king and queen of parties when I was growing up. 2-5 times a year they would have these incredibly parties that would last for 2 days sometimes and would garner anywhere from 50 to 100 people at them. It was fun and crazy and that was a large part of my upbringing, seeing all these people from various walks of life, all come together in celebration of... whatever there was to celebrate.
After they split up, my mother was still the party queen and would throw one or two major bashes a year. This stopped about 2 years ago when mom decided she was burnt out on playing hostess and cleaning up before/after each party. He parties are much, MUCH smaller now, and less frequent.
I thought for a while that maybe I just didn't have the party gene. That somehow it had skipped a generation. Every party I tried to throw in my 20's was a miserable failure with a handful of close friends showing up - usually only around 4. That, to me, is not a party.
Well, this year I have a big shiny apartment and I'm turning 30. If ever there was another time to try again, this would be it. So I started planning a couple weeks ago and the party was last night.
And finally, after years of failures, this one was a success. About 20 people showed up through the course of the night, it didn't go til all hours, but it went for many hours. It was a nice guest list and I had a fabulous time, as it seemed, did everyone else.
Some people brought me presents, there was no real mess and everyone had a really good time. Finally, a wonderful success. The last attempt at a party in my 20's finally pays off.
Mom says "Your friends are weird". Like she's one to talk. I think I'm going to have to do this again... and again... and maybe, just maybe, now that Mom is burnt on the whole having a party thing, I can usurp her crown.
~FG };^>
Posted at 13:35 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, August 26, 2005
So... incredibly... tired...
I'm totally off my normal sleep schedule. This past week I have been at my most productive after midnight, and not tired, so I've been working for several hours at kicking the place into shape and passing out in the wee hours of the morning. (I have also been playing as hard as I work, so I'm not NEARLY as burnt out as I otherwise would have been.)
Woke up late yesterday, then went out... drove Awesome Mike's sexah car (making sure I can drive a stick... practicing the theory that I never before mastered) and then watched a movie... got home a little before midnight, screwed around on the computer a bit then straight to work.
It is now 1:30pm and I still haven't slept.
I got all the supplies, *most* of the cleaning is done, but I'd like to get more art and suchlike on the walls. I also need to sweep and probably mop EVERYTHING. and cook. and set up. and buy beer and soda.
Murray is taking me out to get beer and soda after he gets off work. I think I might just have to pass out for a while before he comes. My big concern is that I won't wake up... but I will have to or not have anything to drink at the party.
Good grief, I haven't been quite this tired in a while. Even when I wasn't sleeping much at all, I don't think that I was working OR playing this hard.
ZzZzZzZzZz...
~FG };^>
Posted at 13:10 by FyreGoddess
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Nostalgia is not all sunshine and flowers.
Still in the midst of readying the apartment for the party. Still in the midst of getting things from Mom's. What this really means right now is a lot of sorting and a lot of throwing things away... but there's a lot of *not* throwing things away, too. Decisions that need to me made in terms of what to do with assorted stuff.
Part of this whole sorting process is remembering. There have been a lot of cool treasures in these boxes of STUFF, but there have been some disturbing things as well... things I've tried to forget. When the Spawn was very young, I was incredibly depressed. Not because of him - he was light and joy for me - but because of everything else. The marriage, the in-laws, not knowing who I was, being far removed from my family, baggage I hadn't dealt with, a million different things. And the thing is that while I was so depressed, I was incredibly obese.
I have a lot of issues around my body and what I look like today. I've maintained a size 16 for about 3-4 years with the occasional flux up to 18 or down to 12 or 14... but I keep finding pictures from when I was just plain FAT. I don't mean fat, like I look in the mirror and see something that's not necessarily there - that's where I am today. I mean fat as in, I could barely fit into a normal-sized seat on an airplane or bus or even in the bucket seat of a car comfortably.
I weighed probably a little over 300lbs. I wore a size 26.
These days, 7+ years later, I look in the mirror and I still see that image. I still see what I used to be, but looking at the pictures I find myself reliving the horrors from my psyche at that time. I remember all those negative emotions and I remember why I had them.
I didn't realize that there were still resentments in me over some of that. I didn't realize that there are people that I need to forgive... people who will never ask for it and probably don't even know. I have always realized, and this just serves as an ugly reminder to me, that someday I will need to apologize to my son for not being a better mother when he was little... and I'll have to try to do that without skewing the perspective and giving him a not-so-nice opinion of certain people dear to him.
There are a lot of things I simply do not miss. There are a lot of people that, I am now realizing, are better OUT of my life. I need to acknowledge that much before I can think about it any more. There are things I want to say to people who would benefit from it, but they would never hear it from me and I would never make the attempt.
I realize, in this moment, that I missed out on a good 5 or 6 years of my life, almost entirely. I was immersed in this pit of despair and despondency to the point where I don't even really remember what was going on at that time.
And then I see the pictures... and I do remember... and I remember, now, looking back, why. And who. And what. And, you know, there was a reason that I didn't think about this stuff. There was a reason that I blocked it all out. I don't want to remember being that non-person. I don't want to remember all the things that made me that way and brought me to that space. I don't want to see that fat, miserable, desperate woman... at least when I see her in the mirror I know she's not real. When I see the photos I remember that she was.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:22 by FyreGoddess
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