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Sunday, September 11, 2005
I just want to take off the shield
For months now, I've been wanting to find a band. Not having my own transportation makes that difficult, though. I can't justify putting ads in the paper and trying to find other musicians because I know I can't put a drumset in *my* apartment and I wouldn't want to be beholden to relative strangers just to get to practices.
I do want to stop playing the guitar, though. Not all the time, but I don't want to have to perform alone or have to play the guitar to perform, which I do right now. I want to use it as a songwriting tool almost exclusively, and then let the other band members fill in the gaps and make my music *better*.
Really, I just want to sing and write. A band is truly necessary for this and it might even motivate me to take my music to the next level, seeking out actual gigs or even just laying down some tracks. I feel like I'm hiding behind my guitar and that playing it doesn't allow me to focus on what I'm really good at - vocals.
It really does hold me back. When it comes to guitar, I am mediocre, at best. However, when I sing, I am pretty damn good. I can sing a capella, but I don't feel like my songs really stand out in that sort of situation. Sitting, playing guitar lessens my vocal capacity and distracts me from the sounds I'm trying to make.
One of these days I'll figure out how to get that band. I keep hoping that I'll randomly encounter people that will wind up being a fit.
The sad part is, at this point in my life, I know fewer musicians than I've EVER known before... makes it hard to find people to jam with, let alone set up some kind of organized musical whatever.
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:49 by FyreGoddess
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Saturday, September 10, 2005
The email I will never send.
Dear *****,
When I first met you, all my friends said "Ooooh, Fyre, he crushes you." I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it because I wasn't interested in that. We were developing a wonderful friendship and I've been fallen in love with too many times and broken the hearts of too many friends. It was not something I wanted to deal with because I was just not in that situation. I spent weeks, if not months, warding them off saying, "No, I don't think he really does, he's just a really good guy."
Eventually, they stopped saying that. One friend even said "You're right, I don't think he does."
So the months passed. We spent time together and got to know each other, enjoying each other's company and doing platonic things. After the girls stopped harassing me, I didn't think anything of it for some time.
Imagine my surprise when, one night, out of the blue, I saw this hottie across a decent distance. My first thought was "Oooh... who's that? I hope he's near me and my friends so I can admire him from a distance." As he walked toward me, I realized it was you... and, honey, you looked damn good that night. I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I don't think you noticed.
That was it. It was all over for me in that moment. All of a sudden, when I had been feeling friendship, now it had changed and I was having feelings. I don't like to think about that, I don't want to put words to it because it scares the hell out of me, but the feelings are certainly there and I find myself wishing that I had wanted the crush when everyone said that you were... even if you weren't, I wouldn't be as invested as I am now.
But I am invested now. The truth is, on a lot of different levels, I care about you a whole lot and the friendship we've developed is not one I'm willing to risk for anything at all. If having you romantically meant that I would lose you as a friend, I would not want to make that change or take that necessary step, because I love you (platonically) far too much for that.
My subtlety knows no bounds. I often think I'm dropping hints when, really, I'm just being me. I haven't changed the way I behave around you, the frequency of the time we spend or don't spend together or anything like that. Inside, I'm just chickenshit about stuff like this. I tell myself I'm not a girly girl, but I can get very girly when it comes to matters of romance and the heart. (And whether you believe me or not, I'm a whole lot shyer than the rest of the world thinks.)
So now I pine when I'm around you and I moon when I'm not. I get butterflies *and* knots in my stomach just thinking about being ballsy, though I've attempted a few ballsy moves that I actually reconsidered at the last minute. I almost kissed you the other night... and at the same time, I had to wonder if you almost kissed me, too.
But you're not going to say anything. I know you and I doubt that's really something you'd do... in some ways we're too much alike, even though we're not all that much alike, really. We operate in similar manners, though.
It would be complicated. This much I know. There are so many risks that we would be taking, not the least of which would be losing our friendship, but life is all about risks. Is it more important to really live, even if it's risky, or to stay safe, when it means missing out on so much that life has to offer? But for my part, I'd be willing to take some risks and work through the complications, if it meant having an outlet for my feelings for you.
I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want from this. I don't think it's a proposition so much as a confession... a way to get it off my chest and see what happens.
So tell me. What happens now?
Love,
Fyre
****** ****** ******
Well there it is. The email I will never send. And that's true, I will never send it. Maybe eventually I'll work up the nerve to say it out loud, but that, right there, is not something that I feel should be said in writing... there are too many risks of it not being received or read fully or responded to.
It will never be sent.
But, you know, the truth is that somewhere inside of me, even though I don't know if he reads this blog (I still only have a list of about 5 people who I *know* read this blog, even though the hits are up over 340 now), there's this part of me that wonders if maybe he'll read this somewhat anonymous letter, wonder if its him and act on his own.
"Fyre, I saw your blog the other day. Were you talking about me?"
But even that would be hard to answer honestly. And there are a lot of people who could read this blog and it's totally possible that the wrong person could ask that question... or that I could give a real answer that didn't answer his question... or that he's just as chickenshit as I am and won't say a goddamn word (the most likely scenario, I think).
But, you know, I don't think he even actually reads my blog. And I don't even know if that's a disappointment or a relief.
Unrequited,
~FG };^>
PS:
I was playing around with Blogthings when I finished this post and this is what I got:
| How You Are In Love |
 You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
Fitting, isn't it? I feel like a teenager all over again. Stupid blogthings...
Posted at 22:51 by FyreGoddess
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We're all winding down. It was a most subdued evening all around.
Mike decided not to wreck himself by drinking another night in a row, so I didn't wind up getting to drive the sexy red Mustang. However, I do love riding around with the top down. *sigh* Bye cute little convertable... it was fun knowing you, for however short a time.
Took a nap before we left. That was probably a mistake because I was rather wiped out. Everyone was tired, though. It was a quiet game... and also at times a giddy one. Subdued is really the best word for it. Not many of us, all rather tired. Shit, I was home by midnight.
Broke even tonight after weeks of crapping out and losing my shirt (metaphorically, folks, I've been good... or, less exhibitionistic the past short while). That's a good thing.
Not much to say, there's lots I need to accomplish this weekend and lots that I *want* to accomplish, but I don't know how much is going to happen, honestly.
I haven't really stopped going for several weeks, since I went to Visitor's Day at Spawn's camp.
I guess this is the end of the summer rush, when we ALL just try to pack as much as we can into the last few nice days/weeks before it gets cold or rainy or whatever the weather decides to do this year.
You know what's really sad? I just had 6 weeks off from working and I am really happy to be on a new contract, but what I really need is a vacation, a REAL vacation from life itself. It has nothing to do with work and everything to do with just needing to get the hell away.
Fuckin' Mike is going to Florida. I am soooo jealous of him right now. I don't care about Florida, per se... in fact, I doubt I'd want to go there, but I want to get on a plane and go out of town for a week. That's not going to happen anytime soon.
~FG };^>
Posted at 01:01 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
"You party like a rock and roller"
They said "You're not supposed to stay out late on a schoolnight." I told them, "When I start getting hangovers, I'll stop staying out late on schoolnights :-P" Then they told me that I party like a rock and roller. I liked it enough to not explain that rock and rollers, One, have a lot more money than I do (or find ways to get it) and Two, do a whole lot more drugs.
Once again I find myself functioning on 3 hours of sleep. I think that's my bare minimum. I am at peak performance with 6 or 7.5, but 3 is the least amount I need to make it through the day. 9 is probably the maximum before I start to suffer from too much sleep.
I didn't get home until 2:30 last night and, after I did, my sleep was mostly broken. I remember dreaming that I was taking a nap. I think dreams about sleeping should count double for sleep. Sadly, they do not. They may just count as half.
So last night 'twas the open mic again... where I totally CRAPPED OUT when I got onstage. People were lying to me that I was good. I appreciate that. I don't mind if they like it, but it wasn't actually good. Thankfully Mike put it into excellent terms that I could accept. "You didn't break your rhythm, you kept going, the way you could mostly tell when you screwed up was the look on your face." Fair enough.
Mike's birthday hit at midnight, so I enticed Mother Judge to lead the open mic audience in a horrible, public rendition of Happy Birthday, just for Mike. He was a little embarrassed, but to tell the truth, I think he got off on it a little. There's something cool about a roomful of musicians serenading you.
I still don't know if I'll be called out tonight. Since Mike took me out on my birthday, I cannot say no to him on his. However, I won't be broken hearted if I don't hear from him. Sleep would do me a world of good... another night of partying will leave me barely able to function tomorrow. Not that that stops me as yet.
Tomorrow is poker. Ryan is a real card, man. I had my first IM conversation with him today and it was... well, it was memorable. I'm glad I've known Ryan for a while IRL before talking to him in IM. If I didn't know him in person, I think the reality of it would surprise me. As it is, I appreciate being able to see and hear his mannerisms in his typing. He has arranged my transportation for tomorrow. Mike'll pick me up, but I can't get hammered because... heh... *singsongs* I get to drive the Mustang home. That's pretty sweet, but I think I need to work out the logistics of this plan.
Still feeling a little unrequited, but I'm a lot less confused than I was before. I found a little unexpected clarity when I wasn't looking for it and I woke up this morning and my lingering back and forth girly little crush was GONE. I seriously just don't care anymore and that is a real weight off my shoulders. Considering I've been trying to work through the actual feelings directed in another way, *not* crushing is a happy new point for me.
Of course, crushes are a lot more fun than feelings. Feelings are scary. Feelings make me nervous. Feelings aren't that tee hee hee lightheartedness that I was enjoying for a while. Feelings are big and feelings are real. Frankly, though, I feel less confused than I did before, which makes me even more nervous than I had been. Butterflies and knots plagued my stomach for a long time earlier today when I had this one stupid thought. I had to take a nap to make them go away.
Well, sort of. Mostly, though, I just had to take a nap.
Huh. I totally forgot where I was going to take that. Sleep is important. I should probably sleep. It's just about 10, I'm gonna turn into a pumpkin at 1 even if do go out, but unless they call me in about the next (let's be honest here) hour or less, I'll just go out and play tomorrow and take today to recover.
Yeah. Recover. Sleep. I'm all about that. I just don't want to dream about sleeping.
~FG };^>
Posted at 21:58 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
He says that if I've got a good thing going, I shouldn't mess it up with complications. She says "I told you so". He says that I should ignore it all and let it go. She says she thinks it would be a good thing.
Meanwhile, *he* says nothing at all...
So then he says "I don't know, Fyre, I just think you're putting too much thought into something that could put too many things in jeopardy." And she says "Well, let's think this through."
Meanwhile, I pine away in silence, far too frightened to say a word...
He says, "How can you not know what happened to get you to this point?" She says "When did you figure it out?" I don't have an answer for either. He says "You're attractive enough. Go find someone else." She says "You two would be so cute together." He says I should pursue other (non-existent options). She says she's gonna lock us in a room together with a six-pack. I say that I don't want to pursue this, let alone options I'm unaware of, and locking us in a room with a six-pack would likely result in a rousing night of Rummy 500 or Spit.
He says it's not worth the pain. She says to ride it out.
She suggests ways of saying something without saying a word. Then she says I told you so. She says "Wow, you do have it bad" when I explain *how bad* I've got it. She laughs at my creative endeavors in the hopes of getting it all out. I keep expecting her to sing "Fyre and ***** sitting in a tree...", but I think she's a little kinder than that.
My friends are really no help at all, but talking about it makes me feel a little better.
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:51 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, September 02, 2005
So... where did I leave off? I guess we were on Tuesday when I stopped writing and got completely wrapped up in the revelry and festivities.
Wednesday:
I woke up to the phone ringing. I answered and she said "Can you start tomorrow?" Woo hoo! Happy fucking birthday! I couldn't (which was probably a good thing anyway), but I told her I would start on Friday (today). All is well.
Had the day to myself and spent the early part quietly at home. Chatted with some friends in IM and on the phone, did a little reading, played a little guitar... it was nice.
Over to Mom's for cake. She made me a wonderful fruit shortcake with fresh and frozen fruits. Most of my family was there, it was more intimate than the other birthdays, which I liked. Went home, dropped off "my loot" and headed out with Mike and Murray.
We went to "that faggy bar with the patio that we went to that one time" (the night of Too Many Shots, actually), but that faggy bar was very quiet and too grown-up, so we bounced. We wound up in a wine bar where I ran into an old dear friend of mine who I hadn't seen in many months. We stayed until Last Call and then Mike pussed out on us and went home. Murray walked me home and we chatted and drank until the wee hours of the morning.
Murray is a good person to pour your heart out to. I trust him more than I feel I ought to, but I assume that's just my cagey, private nature speaking, as opposed to something about *him*.
Haha! After he left I was wasted and I mean WASTED, in no uncertain terms. I made some drunken diatribe on the Stratics OT forums that I can barely even translate and chatted *all* night long with some friends who were quite understanding. (And, damn, man, Fanny can read drunken IMs like nobody's business. That has got to be a marketable talent somewhere.)
Thursday:
So, yeah, damn good thing that I didn't actually start work *this* morning. Especially seeing as how I didn't even crawl out of bed until sometime around 2pm. Spent time with the kid for most of the day, did a little shopping, and headed to Mom's for dinner and Austin's birthday. Another big family thing, like Mom's. Bigger than Mom's, actually, I think. Good cake, fun times, find out the spawn is headed to a friend's house to spend the night.
So, fickle, fickle, me, I wind up making it to the poker game. Asty says "So, I guess I left the party too early. I missed out on all the kissing!" KS and I exchange this incredibly puzzled glance, only to eventually figure out that he's talking about when Lisa decided to molest me:
Which really, wasn't all that big a deal, but to hear the stories, my party was a lot more wild than it was in reality.
I really wish my hair hadn't been tied up in all the pictures... had I thought about it, I would have done *something* with it.
Anyway, those there for the comments who did *not* make the party, will probably make a point to come to the next one, if at all possible. Maybe that one *will* be more wild. I guess it partly depends on what their expectations are... *shrug* no worries, parties are parties and as long as no one calls the cops, I'm sure it will be a success.
Home around 11, and to bed with me!
Friday:
I think the worst part about the first day was all the people saying "So, how's your first day back?" First days are always crappy. There's little productivity because things are just not set up right and there's that need to settle in and acclimate. Whatever, first day is over, thank gods.
Everyone was really happy to see me. It turns out that someone I've been a little upset about has been emailing me for the past couple weeks. I haven't received a thing and thought that I was totally being blown off and blah blah blah, but he's been emailing me... Now I'm not sure where I'm at with it. Time will tell.
Stayed late, because Mike LIVES at work and was my ride, but OMG, so worth it... When we left, we went to the airport so he could trade in his rental car for something better. Sexy cherry red Mustang convertable. He doesn't really like the way it handles, but DAMN, I just liked riding around with the top down. Mike drives faster than anyone else I know, so it was just... damn... yeah... Sexy car...
Grabbed some dinner, didn't get lost and headed home.
So here I am now, trying to decompress and download all the stuff. Girl might come up this weekend to help me finish the beer and the Jager, play some cards and just hang out. I really hope she does. I've had a most excellent week and a WONDERFUL birthday, but I just have some stuff playing in the back of my mind. Some of it I've said out loud. Some of it I've been thinking and talking about for days or weeks, but there's something funny in my headspace and I need to figure some of this stuff out.
I think I may be confused about a couple of things. I think I could very easily make some really bad or stupid decisions or actions right about now, so all this stuff needs to be sorted out, pronto, and I think I need some help doing that. Girl is my sounding board. Girl is my voice of reason. As much as I love and trust a small number of other people, I think she may be the only one who can get me through this right now, only because I need to do this one face to face... I simply can't get it out over the phone.
I am totally exhausted, but in a good way. I haven't felt like this... well... maybe ever. It's this revelric exhaustion that comes from an influx of VERY good things and a lot of partying and a LOT of alcohol and a FUCKLOT of cake.
Honestly, I can't wait to see what the rest of the month... what the rest of this 31st year of mine has to bring. If the past week is any indication, I could be in for a Wild Ride.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:28 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
The birthday post, that is. It was quite a night, it's been quite a week, but I've been so busy with ALL the birthdays and the poker and the starting of the new job that I simply do not have time to do it.
Soon, my dears, soon... before the weekend is out, I swear.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:53 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I just want to pee in *somebody's* cup!
So for the past 5 months now, I have been expecting a drug test. Stopped smoking of the green in preparation and gave up poppy seeds. I don't miss the pot, but I do miss the seeds.
Hard rolls, bagels, lemon poppy seed muffins. I LOVE these things and, until I actually take a drug test, I cannot have any of them, for fear of being thought a junkie.
Man, I just want poppy seeds again. There are no track marks. Check my arms, check between my toes - no track marks. I would never stick a needle in my vein. I just want a muffin!
The second they let me pee in their cup and the test comes back negative, I'm going to sit me down with a poppy seed bagel, a sandwich on a poppy seed hardroll and a lemon poppy seed muffin and I am going to go to town.
I never really thought that I felt this way about those stupid black seeds that get stuck in your teeth, but I tell ya, all I really want is a goddamned muffin.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:12 by FyreGoddess
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Woo Hoo! *does a little dance*
So... yeah... I got the job! Yee ha! This is very exciting.
Honestly, this is probably one of the best places I've ever worked for a lot of different reasons. It's been a social boost and, in terms of networking, has really helped me out. It's expanded my choices for socialization and gotten me a great group of friends. It's also challenged me professionally to really make use of the things I've learned over the course of working in IT.
I am *so excited* to be going back there. It really really seems like a cosmic birthday present. I don't want to put too much into what's going on and what's to come, but I'm starting to think that 30 might be a pretty damn good year. I know that 29 surely was.
So this is it, really. My last day in my twenties. I can't say I have regrets, at least not in terms of things I would do differently or change. I really like who I am and who I'm becoming. The choices I've made in the past 5 or so years have been very smart and healthy choices to make. Part of me wants to make resolutions of some sort, but I don't like to write those things down, in case of failure.
Let's just say that there are a couple of things that I will be changing about myself, they are between me and myself for the moment. I'm sure, as they begin to occur, they are things that will prompt me to write and share with the anonymous readers and even the not-so-anonymous ones.
~FG };^>
Posted at 11:41 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, August 29, 2005
Sometimes things just fall into place.
It's true, sometimes things just happen the right way and you never know why or when it will occur in that fashion. This has been one of those weeks.
Getting things together for the party just fell into place. The party itself kind of fell into place. Today, I got a phone call from someone I used to work with, wanting to consider me for a new contract back at the same site. I should know more tomorrow.
The timing on this is excellent. My birthday is in two days, so happy fucking birthday to me! (In a good way.) It sounds like they would want me to start pretty soon and the Spawn starts school right after Labor Day, so it looks like the timing would be ideal - finding out as a birthday present and starting as the kid goes back to school.
It strikes me that my friends are true, both the ones who came and the ones who didn't (who have been calling and emailing me with well wishes and regrets of not being able to make it). I have a circle that I am very fond of... several of them, actually, starting to intertwine.
My dreams are subsiding, which is good, but my fantasies are running a little more rampant. I consider this a good thing, since I can control the fantasies and the dreams are the ones that I don't always know are not actually happening in that moment. Of course, the other end of the dreams being so realistic is when I think that certain aspects of real life (often in an inebriated state) are not real, but all in my subconscious sleeping mind. I think that might be worse.
Things are looking up. Things are looking good. I don't want to put too much stock in it, but I might, after 30 years of crappy times, finally, finally have a really nice birthday.
And on a Wednesday of all days. How fucking cool would that be?
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:44 by FyreGoddess
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