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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Instant Messaging is a curious thing for me. It is a rare moment that I am not signed into one, usually three, IM programs. However, it takes me a while to develop an IM relationship with someone.
I'm not one to make initial contact unless I have something important to say. I always fear imposing on someone or bothering them with my general (it's in my nature) inanity. Not that I don't have things to say in IM, good grief, I ALWAYS have something to say, I just wonder how important those things actually are... and if they're more important than whatever else the recipient could be doing at the time.
I've felt imposed upon when IMed by people who have pretty much nothing to say. I'm not talking about my friend who sends me pick up lines when I'm not at the computer, I mean people who IM just to say "hi", but continually prolong the lack of conversation by playing that nasty little IM game, <b>Last Word<b>.
You know the game of which I speak. There's no tone of voice in IM. Some people just have to have the last word. Saying goodbye becomes endless because of the barrage of "c ya", "bye" and "ttyl". What I consider to be imposing is just calling to say hello, having no conversation at all and THEN playing that game.
All that said, I don't think that I do that sort of thing. In fact, most of the time I IM out of boredom and conversation just forms. When I'm done, I tend to just sort of fade away or wander off, but getting to the point of just IMing out of boredom is difficult for me. I wonder if I am being perceived as imposing when I don't have a set purpose or a really good conversation starter.
*Side note... I find myself wondering if this is part of where the "Irreverent Question of the Month" came from. It probably started around the same time as my internet habit.*
For me, IM conversations are something that develop from email exchanges. Once you start going back and forth with someone in email, it's easy to transition that into a real-time discussion, and often it facilitates the communication and friendship-forming processes. When I don't get that part first, I just have no opening lines.
Sometimes, though, I lose touch with people for the exact same reason. I worry that I will be imposing upon them and simply do not double-click to say hello. Usually, though, if the relationship is well-formed, one of us will eventually say "Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while. What's going on?" The others fade away as any other acquaintanceship or friendship is liable to do if not maintained.
Maybe it's a self-esteem problem. Seems odd that I would worry more about that sort of thing online than off, but I think it's accurate. I am worried that what I have to say will be less interesting than what someone is already doing.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:20 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I don't know what it is, but I just cannot sleep these days. I still get up at a reasonable hour most of the time, but getting to bed is getting harder and harder. Making things worse is the fact that I do get tired around 10pm, when FyreSpawn (as he shall be known on my blog) goes to bed. That is, 10 pm if I'm lucky, more often it's between 8:30 and 10. Not very realistic to go to bed before the kid.
Anyway, what happens is that I wind up staying up that extra hour doing whatever I'm doing and by 11, I'm not at all tired anymore. Happens whether I smoke or not, so I don't think that's a contributing factor. Even more puzzling is that I discovered that I've been on decaf for the past 5 days or so. *Mental note, don't ask the kid to pick up coffee at Stewart's. Get it myself.*
I find myself wasted and useless in the morning, and then lying in bed awake at night. Last night I was up until around 4 or 5am. I kept going to bed, lying there restless for an hour or so and then getting up to try to wind down and make myself tired.
Tea, warm baths, none of it seems to work. I'd be tempted to pull out the old muscle relaxants if they hadn't expired - lol.
"Sleep is for the weak, I'll sleep when I'm dead." Lovely sentiment in jest, but in reality, this lack of sleep is liable to kill me one of these days, especially if I'm wasted, tired and trying to cross an Albany street. *Shudder*
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:34 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, October 11, 2004
It's a conversation that I've had with a number of people, few of whom ever understand what I'm talking about. Internet crushes are a new thing in this technological age. It's something different from a romantic crush or even a platonic crush and I don't know if there's any terminology in place to define it.
I'll admit it, I'm addicted to the internet. I rely on it for most of my communication, job searches, bill paying, banking and even, to a certain extent, socialization. I play MMOGs as well as sites like Free Arcade, Pogo and NewGrounds for games. Currently, though, my favorite time sink on the internet has got to be posting on message boards. Specifically these days, the Stratics Off-Topic forum.
I discovered message boards (and my addiction to them) when I started playing my first MMORPG, The Sims Online (TSO). From there it was only a matter of time before I branched out and started finding bigger and better places to post my thoughts about, quite frankly, everything under the sun. In learning about what it means to post in message board communities, I discovered a strange phenomenon. I found myself becoming attracted to several people who posted with me.
This surprised me, to say the least. I wasn't looking to be attracted to these people, in fact, there was little going on to lead me to that point. There wasn't a lot of flirting or playing around with the idea of internet relationships. In fact, there wasn't much, if any relationship for there to be. We played the same game, had strong opinions about it, not necessarily agreeing, but there was something about the way some of these people said whatever they were saying that somehow struck me as attractive.
I see this continuing in most forums where I post. There's attraction in some situations, but not in all of them. Even the people who I follow avidly may not be one of my "Internet crushes", there's always something extra about those people. It's like walking into a crowded room and making that intense "I know you" eye contact across the room.
It's a difficult thing to explain. Most of the time people think that I have romantic designs on these crushes, but that's really not the point of the whole thing. It's simply a matter of almost having created a second, internet-specific part of myself, not me, but an extension, who has developed her own identity over the past years. She can woo and flirt and develop that crush into something more, but the real life aspect rarely, if ever, comes into play.
I've only had a few internet crushes. At the moment, the count is at two, one of whom I've crushed upon for years, the other is newer, but just as strong. They fuel my fantasies when I lie in bed at night, but never would I pursue something RL romantic unless circumstances (in both cases) were vastly different than they are. Certainly in the years long crush, the circumstances I refer to are impossible to change.
I guess all I can really say is this:
It's not about the romance, it's not about flirting. There's a dance we do with people we know... most of the time it's superhero dancing (CoH players, you know what I'm talking about) or maybe the Hustle, but with an internet crush it feels more like an online Tango. Sultry, seductive, but everyone keeps their clothes on.
~FG };^>
Posted at 12:28 by FyreGoddess
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