Ok, now that I've recovered from the ridiculously late outing to the open mic, I'm ready to blogit.

Wednesday night, open mic night.  Thought I was going to be hooking up with a fellow musician buddy of mine, but he seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet.  None of my other friends decided to show up, so I was flying solo.  I brought a notepad and figured, while there was no music happening (since I show up early to sign up and get a reasonable slot), I would work on my latest song (which I actually finished and is pretty damn good).

So I signed up early, said hello to the couple of people I knew and waited for the open mic to begin.  Jess is a FANTASTIC waitress, coming up and asking if I'd be having my usual brand of beer, which I did, and just always on the ball.  I think that some people are born to do a certain job and do it well...  she is one of those people, though I wouldn't want to *curse* her to a life of waiting tables.

I found myself a little preoccupied with the same old shit that has been playing through my head.  Not having the distractions of friends around me just didn't help really at all.  Eventually, though, it was my turn to perform.

And OMG, I was hot that night!  It was probably my best public performance EVER and, of course, none of my friends were there for it.  I had an exceptionally fresh microphone that apparently wanted my boobs to sing and I had to stop in the middle of a song to get the mic back up to mouth level, but even that I pulled off incredibly well.  I was wonderfully received by the audience and throughout the night all kinds of people kept coming up to me and telling me how much they loved my performance.  "You are an excellent songwriter."  "I love when people perform originals, that was great!"  "You were the best performer tonight."  "You have a gorgeous voice."  I think the best part of the whole thing was that none of them knew my mom or even who she was.  The only comparisons were to the other performers.  I stood on my own and I won the respect and admiration of many.

And, dammit, none of my friends were there to see it.

So I did the only thing I really could do in that situation.  I made new friends :-P

This band called Spitfire Pilot is one that I saw the week before.  The lead singer took a shine to me and decided to focus on me for the rest of the night.  Them and these two excellent musicians, Justin and Ramsey, were my hosts for the evening.  They wouldn't let me leave until almost 2am - and, dude, I had to wake up at 5:30 the next morning.

But I was Miss Popular at the Lark Tavern.  I flitted between the various people (mostly men) and networked exceptionally well.  I think I even remember most people's names.  I know that after my antics last week (throwing myself on stage at the feet of John Broder, begging him to play a song), I got my request.  I did have to say "Come on, I don't do that sort of thing for just anyone."  I have a feeling John is not going to forget me anytime soon, unless I just stop showing up at open mics (which is, by NO MEANS, anything I intend to do).

Other than Bobby D licking my arm all night long, it was a lot of lighthearted fun.  I need to make sure I keep this up and keep the networking aspect of it going.  I'm hoping to head up there this weekend to catch Spitfire Pilot and Sense Offenders (Tom McWatters, John Broder, a couple others) when they play.  Maybe if I put myself out of context, in context, I will stick out even more in their minds.  I can just about guarantee that Sense Offenders are people to know and Spitfire Pilot...  I'm not sure, but they sure are fun to watch.

Now to figure out how I can protect myself from the further advances of Bobby D and make sure I don't have to fly this one solo...

~FG };^>

Patriotism Misunderstood

*sings*  I'm gonna get my name back, I'm gonna get my name back!

So, yeah, we went to the lawyer's today.  I have to send some information to this guy so we can finish it up.  I send him my tax info and Spawn's SSN, he mails the paperwork to Dragonmaker, we both sign it, send it back and ONE WEEK later, that's it, it's over!

OH HELL YEAH!

So that means that it took nearly 7 years, but DUDE, I am gonna get my name back!

*does a little dance*

And my fears were unrealized, though I can't detail it here, but this is still a good thing.

Now it's off to the open mic to see if I can, if not impress myself, at least not crap out.

~FG };^>

Do you know who Kokopelli is?  If not, click the link and read up.

I don't always think about symbolism.  I mean, often I do, but not all the time.  I wear what's comfortable and I do what I want, most of the time, usually without thinking things all the way through.

So, back when I was at Falcon Ridge I bought a couple of dresses.  One was this Guatamalan dress that I scored for $10, the other was a green Cinderella dress from Eagle Ray Traders with a nifty stars, moons and Kokopelli pattern on it.

Frankly, the Eagle Ray dress was the only one in my size in a color I could actually wear.  (Being pale as a ghost leaves me limited in flattering color choices.)

You know, there's no way I ever would have thought about it.  Even if I were readily familiar (instead of passingly familiar) with the Kokopelli lore, I still would not have thought about it.  I just liked the green dress.

I noticed that night at FRFF that I was getting an awful lot of attention.  I attributed this to the fact that I was wearing a glowing necklace, blue glowstick hoop earrings and several glowstick bracelets.  It would be more than accurate to say, I stood out (not that I don't anyway, but usually less so in the dark).  I didn't really think anything of it.  Wearing that much glowing neon in the dark at a folk festival is bound to garner attention.  It's not like they could even see the dress.

My usual distraction, my favorite distraction is unavailable to me tonight.  People keep yelling at me for stupid shit that isn't my fault and has nothing to do with me.  All of a sudden I'm greatly worried about my job situation.

I am a woman of extremes.  When I am up, I couldn't get any higher, when I am down, it's the end of the world.  It all came crashing down on me tonight and I can't seem to put my finger on any one reason or cause.

I can think of ONE thing that would make me feel better...  and it's something I don't think I'll get.  Girl is right, and I already knew this, but hearing it out loud "You can't control other people" just made it *more* real to me.  I already knew it...  doesn't make it easier.

I think I have to see the lawyer tomorrow to find out what's going on with the divorce and sign some papers.  I have no idea what this is going to be, but I decided I want to get my name back.  That would be a nice thing.  THAT would make me happy.

I'm just tired of everything.  And on top of that, I"m tired.  I'm sore and cranky and sleepy and just generally discontent.  And I can think of ONE THING that would make me feel better, but it's the ONE THING I am most unlikely to get tonight.

Blah.

~FG };^/

Escape artistry runs in my family, as I have recently learned.  I was aware of that early on with my brother, Chaos, when he was little.

When Chaos was very small, maybe 18 months/2 years old, he was constantly off exploring, or trying to.  He would sneak out of the house and my mother would panic, trying to find him.  She, being McGuyver, came up with a brilliant solution: She put bells on all the doors and bells on his shoes, so she could hear him wherever he went.

Problem was, Chaos was a very smart child.  He thwarted the system by taking off his shoes, climbing out the window and proceeding up the hill to the very busy road we lived off of.  All my mother heard was the squealing of tired followed by the screams of my brother.  Some woman had seen him toddling into the road and pulled her car across traffic.  She got out of the car and picked him up and my brother, being afraid of strangers, started howling.

He was fine, but my mother was NOT.  I think she belled the windows shortly after that.

My mother recently told me of her Houdini-esque adventures as a small child.  She actually stripped naked (at about the same age) and took off down their suburban street.  Thankfully, a neighbor recognized her and brought her home to my (mortified) grandmother.

Well the Child of Chaos has surpassed them both.  Part of it, I think, is the fact that we live in the 21st century, but another part I think is that she lives with my mother in the ghetto.

So the other day, the little troublemaker snuck out the back gate and made her way down the filthy, glass-strewn sidewalk about a half a block to Second Ave (a very busy road).  Some woman found her and picked her up and waved down the cops.

Meanwhile, my mother was *frantic* searching the house and yard for the baby.  The cops came with the Child of Chaos and read my mother the riot act.  The threatened to call CPS and have the baby taken away.

"Do you have any idea," says the "bad cop", "how long it takes a child this small to walk all the way to Second Ave.?"

Well, yeah, we ALL do, and if you've ever had a child that learned how to walk so she could learn to run, you'd understand that it's not very long at all.  She, of course, was fine, but a little pissed off that she wasn't allowed to get to whatever destination she had in mind.

The adventurous spirit is a wonderful thing, but I am thanking my lucky stars that Spawn isn't now and never was an escape artist.

~FG };^>

For months now, I've been wanting to find a band.  Not having my own transportation makes that difficult, though.  I can't justify putting ads in the paper and trying to find other musicians because I know I can't put a drumset in *my* apartment and I wouldn't want to be beholden to relative strangers just to get to practices.

I do want to stop playing the guitar, though.  Not all the time, but I don't want to have to perform alone or have to play the guitar to perform, which I do right now.  I want to use it as a songwriting tool almost exclusively, and then let the other band members fill in the gaps and make my music *better*.

Really, I just want to sing and write.  A band is truly necessary for this and it might even motivate me to take my music to the next level, seeking out actual gigs or even just laying down some tracks.  I feel like I'm hiding behind my guitar and that playing it doesn't allow me to focus on what I'm really good at - vocals.

It really does hold me back.  When it comes to guitar, I am mediocre, at best.  However, when I sing, I am pretty damn good.  I can sing a capella, but I don't feel like my songs really stand out in that sort of situation.  Sitting, playing guitar lessens my vocal capacity and distracts me from the sounds I'm trying to make.

One of these days I'll figure out how to get that band.  I keep hoping that I'll randomly encounter people that will wind up being a fit.

The sad part is, at this point in my life, I know fewer musicians than I've EVER known before...  makes it hard to find people to jam with, let alone set up some kind of organized musical whatever.

~FG };^>

Dear *****,

When I first met you, all my friends said "Ooooh, Fyre, he crushes you."  I didn't believe it.  I didn't want to believe it because I wasn't interested in that.  We were developing a wonderful friendship and I've been fallen in love with too many times and broken the hearts of too many friends.  It was not something I wanted to deal with because I was just not in that situation.  I spent weeks, if not months, warding them off saying, "No, I don't think he really does, he's just a really good guy."

Eventually, they stopped saying that.  One friend even said "You're right, I don't think he does."

So the months passed.  We spent time together and got to know each other, enjoying each other's company and doing platonic things.  After the girls stopped harassing me, I didn't think anything of it for some time.

Imagine my surprise when, one night, out of the blue, I saw this hottie across a decent distance.  My first thought was "Oooh...  who's that?  I hope he's near me and my friends so I can admire him from a distance."  As he walked toward me, I realized it was you...  and, honey, you looked damn good that night.  I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I don't think you noticed.

That was it.  It was all over for me in that moment.  All of a sudden, when I had been feeling friendship, now it had changed and I was having feelings.  I don't like to think about that, I don't want to put words to it because it scares the hell out of me, but the feelings are certainly there and I find myself wishing that I had wanted the crush when everyone said that you were...  even if you weren't, I wouldn't be as invested as I am now.

But I am invested now.  The truth is, on a lot of different levels, I care about you a whole lot and the friendship we've developed is not one I'm willing to risk for anything at all.  If having you romantically meant that I would lose you as a friend, I would not want to make that change or take that necessary step, because I love you (platonically) far too much for that.

My subtlety knows no bounds.  I often think I'm dropping hints when, really, I'm just being me.  I haven't changed the way I behave around you, the frequency of the time we spend or don't spend together or anything like that.  Inside, I'm just chickenshit about stuff like this.  I tell myself I'm not a girly girl, but I can get very girly when it comes to matters of romance and the heart.  (And whether you believe me or not, I'm a whole lot shyer than the rest of the world thinks.)

So now I pine when I'm around you and I moon when I'm not.  I get butterflies *and* knots in my stomach just thinking about being ballsy, though I've attempted a few ballsy moves that I actually reconsidered at the last minute.  I almost kissed you the other night...  and at the same time, I had to wonder if you almost kissed me, too.

But you're not going to say anything.  I know you and I doubt that's really something you'd do...  in some ways we're too much alike, even though we're not all that much alike, really.  We operate in similar manners, though.

It would be complicated.  This much I know.  There are so many risks that we would be taking, not the least of which would be losing our friendship, but life is all about risks.  Is it more important to really live, even if it's risky, or to stay safe, when it means missing out on so much that life has to offer?  But for my part, I'd be willing to take some risks and work through the complications, if it meant having an outlet for my feelings for you.

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what I want from this.  I don't think it's a proposition so much as a confession...  a way to get it off my chest and see what happens.

So tell me.  What happens now?

Love,

Fyre

******      ******      ******

Well there it is.  The email I will never send.  And that's true, I will never send it.  Maybe eventually I'll work up the nerve to say it out loud, but that, right there, is not something that I feel should be said in writing...  there are too many risks of it not being received or read fully or responded to.

It will never be sent.

But, you know, the truth is that somewhere inside of me, even though I don't know if he reads this blog (I still only have a list of about 5 people who I *know* read this blog, even though the hits are up over 340 now), there's this part of me that wonders if maybe he'll read this somewhat anonymous letter, wonder if its him and act on his own.

"Fyre, I saw your blog the other day.  Were you talking about me?"

But even that would be hard to answer honestly.  And there are a lot of people who could read this blog and it's totally possible that the wrong person could ask that question...  or that I could give a real answer that didn't answer his question... or that he's just as chickenshit as I am and won't say a goddamn word (the most likely scenario, I think).

But, you know, I don't think he even actually reads my blog.  And I don't even know if that's a disappointment or a relief.

Unrequited,

~FG };^>

PS:

I was playing around with Blogthings when I finished this post and this is what I got:

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

We're all winding down.  It was a most subdued evening all around.

Mike decided not to wreck himself by drinking another night in a row, so I didn't wind up getting to drive the sexy red Mustang.  However, I do love riding around with the top down.  *sigh*  Bye cute little convertable...  it was fun knowing you, for however short a time.

Took a nap before we left.  That was probably a mistake because I was rather wiped out.  Everyone was tired, though.  It was a quiet game...  and also at times a giddy one.  Subdued is really the best word for it.  Not many of us, all rather tired.  Shit, I was home by midnight.

Broke even tonight after weeks of crapping out and losing my shirt (metaphorically, folks, I've been good...  or, less exhibitionistic the past short while).  That's a good thing.

Not much to say, there's lots I need to accomplish this weekend and lots that I *want* to accomplish, but I don't know how much is going to happen, honestly.

I haven't really stopped going for several weeks, since I went to Visitor's Day at Spawn's camp. 

I guess this is the end of the summer rush, when we ALL just try to pack as much as we can into the last few nice days/weeks before it gets cold or rainy or whatever the weather decides to do this year.

You know what's really sad?  I just had 6 weeks off from working and I am really happy to be on a new contract, but what I really need is a vacation, a REAL vacation from life itself.  It has nothing to do with work and everything to do with just needing to get the hell away.

Fuckin' Mike is going to Florida.  I am soooo jealous of him right now.  I don't care about Florida, per se...  in fact, I doubt I'd want to go there, but I want to get on a plane and go out of town for a week.  That's not going to happen anytime soon.

~FG };^>