So Amber, followed shortly after by Jason, show up.  The sound check is wrapping up and the first performer is getting ready to head up on stage.  I have (as I'm sure I've mentioned in passing, if not in detail) a tradition of Courage before I go onstage.  It is a very rare occurrence that I go without.  Most times I, along with anyone else at my table who is performing (or not, that part depends, but the performers *always* do it with me - it's tradition!) will do one shot of Courage just to get us up on stage.  After that, there is NO backing out.  I am now a bundle of nerves and I can't seem to find the waitress.  I go to the bar and find her, where I am told I have to go through her to get my damned shot.  I go back to the table, wait, she comes over and I tell her that I need a shot of Jager and I need it now.  I even explained that I was about to go onstage and needed that before I went  up.  (This waitress made me miss Jessica at the Lark Tavern.  I <3 her.)

Well, I guess she didn't really understand the concept of "now" because she never actually came back.  I was all wrapped up in myself and how quickly I was going onstage that I didn't even notice that Mike wound up going to the bar to get me my Courage before I went up on stage.   (Yay, Mike!!!  He is totally the best!)

Tempted, though I may be to gloss over the performance itself, I feel like I need to go ahead and talk about it, anyway...

It took *for-ev-er* to get me set up.  First it was the wrong vocal mic, then the pickup didn't sound right, then we couldn't get the other mic in the right spot or close enough to my mouth.  Oh it was just all kinds of hell.  Finally got it all set up and I intro-ed my first song.  I really didn't think anything of it, I'd been practicing the three songs, in order and with intros since the weekend, so I felt pretty good.  I felt pretty good about the first song, too, right up until the point that the sound guy came up to me and said, "I think you might have a string out of tune."

Well, that, right there, was my moment of sheer and utter panic.  I tuned up before I went onstage, but somehow my low E went out.  Any other string I could have worked around, but I lean pretty heavily on my low E.  So, what else could I do?  I tuned up and moved on to my next song, at which point my confidence was shot.  I couldn't get back that moment of "Oh yeah, I'm going to wow them", it was simply...

Gone.

*shrug*  But I stuck to my "script" (such as it was) and my intros were good, even if my singing/guitar were sub-par for me.  Back to my table I go, people coming up to me lying about how good I was...  not so much lying to me, but lying to themselves.  You can like something without it being good.  I think that's a concept that most people don't understand.  I was not particularly *good* last night, except maybe the first song.  After that, I hit mediocre, at best.

Ah, but it's my friends who make it all make sense.  It's the support network that I try to build around me.  Asty had shown up about halfway through my first song, so there was a full table of people waiting for me when I got back.  I listened to them give it to me straight (and, wow, I appreciate Jason's honesty more than my words can do justice - he had never seen me perform before, so I never had a chance to hear his opinion on something so...  *thinks*...  important?  personal?  something like that).  Basically, they saw, without even knowing or seeing what happened, my confidence falter.  They all noticed when the performance made its turn, but none of them knew what was going on or why it happened that way.  I was shaken by the out of tune string, which no one else knew about, but it was at that moment where things changed for me and the people who actually matter were able to help me see how it worked.

I don't ever want people to lie to me.  No matter how hard the truth is to take, there's always something to it that you *need*.  For me, it's usually some kind of clarity.  Last night my friends helped to make things more clear...  and pull my head out of those "being hard on myself" and "not being able to see things for what they are" mindsets.

The organizer of the open mic also came up to me "good job, glad to see you again, happy you came..." and proceeded to tell me that the buzz from the crowd during my performance was that I reminded several people of Joan Armatrading, who is one of very few female performers that I consider a strong influence.  With her, specifically, I think a lot has to do with her songwriting over anything else, but the "girl and her guitar" theme kinda fits, I guess...  heh.

Outside to cool off, check voicemail (Mom: "I can't imagine you're performing already, but maybe you are..."), smoke a cigarette and say goodbye to Asty.  How sweet that he showed up and only just to see/hear *me*.  I am way flattered.

After my performance it was time for shmoozing.  Time to become a social butterfly.  Time to make them all love me. 

There was this one guy who I saw the last time GE did an open mic and that night I developed a bit of a musical crush (only!  the guy is way old for me) on him.  Seeing him last night just strengthened that, so when his band got off the stage I walked up and said "I want to sing with you."  Well, believe it or not, he was totally into it.  He started listing off ideas of songs we could do together, telling me about how he felt like his vocals weren't really strong enough to carry the band, but how with two singers (and me, making three), he'd love the opportunity to work out some three-part harmony, maybe some kind of duet...  and...  They're playing a show on November 29 and they would really like me to practice with them and be able to play that show!

Ok, so now I'm feeling good.  NOW I'm so glad that I went to this open mic (since I came pretty close to not doing this one)...  but there's more.

(I know, this is so long...  I'm so sorry...)

Back to the table, Steve shows up (lol, miscommunication, he thought it started an hour later than it did.  We're still arguing about who made the actual mistake.)  Jason and Amber leave shortly after.  Honestly, I'm touched by the fact that he came, even if he wasn't there for my performance.  It's still support and the intentions were right.  That was pretty cool...  also pretty cool was the fact that he stayed for almost the entire rest of the night.

But I am a busy, restless thing, so I can't sit still for *too* long.  I have to have another round of shmoozing and, at this point, I kind of have to do it soon, before I am too drunk to do it right.  So we go for round two.

I make nice with a couple other performers, then move on to chat with the man who organized this.  He's a really nice guy, dulcimer player, but he didn't perform, probably because it was more electric this time around.  After a few minutes talking it came to light that he's been looking for other, more acoustic-friendly venues, but he doesn't have a lot of contacts.  It looks like he may wind up in touch with me and I may wind up helping to put the next one of these things together.  That would be pretty cool, and I have the contacts to help with that.

So then I move on to chat with the sound guy.  At this point, I don't know whether or not he actually recorded me or what his overall plan is for distributing the CDs afterward.  So I pop up behind him and he does the making nice bit ("you were great, love your voice, blah blah blah") and then says, "I'm so sorry.  I couldn't get the levels right on you.  I don't think I got you recorded at all."

AUGH!  Crushed.  *heartbreak*

Then, he hands me his card.  He says, "This is my first time attempting to record a live performance, but I have a studio set up in my house.  I'd love to have you come over so that I can record you.  For free, of course."

And OH MY GODS, how cool is that?

And there you have it.  The nutshell:  Crapped out, but had some potentially ~*wonderful*~ things come of it anyway.  My friends are fantastic and so supportive.

I'm gonna be a rockstar!

Here's hoping, anyway.

~FG };^>

I felt GOOD about my performance tonight.  Before anyone said anything to me, I felt goddamn good.  The songs I played, I was comfortable with and I made them come off, from my perspective, PERFECT.  The notes were right, the chords were (mostly) right and I felt good about it.  I felt like I did a good job. 

And then they told me.  Mother Judge told me.  Annine told me.  Mom told me.  And, you know, that was more than enough for me.  I felt good and they validated that.

And then Mom performed.  She started off my telling the audience that she only came to support me, and that I signed her up to perform (which is half-true) and then she just blew them away with her quiet, brilliant songstressy.  My mom is just...  just...  incredible.  People agree, this is not just bias talking, she is really fucking good.

So she finished and this guy came up to me.  He told me that my mom was great and he could hear where I got my voice.  Then others started coming up and telling me how much I sound like my mom, and how good we BOTH were, separately.  People were coming up to me that I had never spoken to before.

THEN...  and OMG, what a THEN this is.

Tess, the owner of the Lark Tavern came up to me.  She said, "You made me stop in my tracks with your voice.  I was going into the back room to get some liquor and I heard you sing and I had to stop and take a minute to listen.  This never happens." 

Heh.  I told her she must have been talking about my mom and she said, "No, it was you, and that NEVER happens."

Holy motherfucking shit.  The *owner* of the Lark Tavern, who hears this shit almost every night stopped and took notice of ME...  and even came to talk to me about it.

My mom says she was listening to me and it reminded her of herself.  I've heard that before and it never ceases to melt me.  Everyone said we were both fantastic and they now know where I get my voice.

I found a lead guitarist who wants to play with me.

And then, random shit, man.  I go to Price Chopper to get some cat food and I run into this chick that I used to work with over 6 years ago at Bed, Bath and Beyond...  and she recognized me.

Yeah, sometimes it's personal, maybe even surprisingly so, considering how little anonymity I actually have on the internet, but sometimes it's not.  And no matter if it is or isn't, there you sit, reading whatever random spew that I've put up here for today...  and some of you keep coming back for more.

I guess that's all that really matters...  that, and the fact that I keep this blog for me.  I just let you in.

~FG };^>