Well, I did wind up writing most of a new song, though.  Going without modern conveniences is a good thing, as long as it's just for a short time.

I subjected Mike to it, I think he probably thinks I'm crazier than he did before...  which is nothing new, I constantly prove others to be underestimating the bizarre aspects of me ;-)  He summed it up as a punk polka style music.  I suppose it fits ok.  I hear a lot of the gypsy in this band, but it's not the traditional Hungarian music that I've heard before.  It's obviously evolved from gypsy roots, but it's no longer that same thing.  I like finding music that is utterly new to me and this fits the bill.

They're very politically charged, which I also like.  The lyrics are very poignant, but I have to read them several times to really get it with the music.  The Ukrainian accent is unusual enough for me that I struggle just a little bit.  Scroll down on the lyrics page and check out the words to Track 8, Oh No.

Here's my thing.  I don't care if you're Republican or Democrat.  I don't care if you call yourself Liberal or Conservative or any one of the middle ground labels.  I mean, we may not see eye to eye depending on your chosen label, but it's unlikely we'll see eye to eye on everything anyway. 

All I ask is that you think for yourself.  All I ask is that you not be a sheep, following the shepherd of the moment.  All I ask is that you not be a parrot, spewing words you feel you *should* believe because of who said it, as opposed to what the words actually mean.  All I ask is that you not sleep through the politics that are affecting your life, whether you realize it or not.

I ask that you THINK.  I ask that you talk about it with people around you, whether they agree with you or not.  I demand that you vote or shut the hell up.  You don't have to vote for the lesser of two evils, at least not in NYS.  Write in what you really want, even if it's an Anarchistic government.  But vote or shut the hell up about what goes on around you.  You have no room to complain if you're not even using your Constitutionally-granted right to participate.

Not only do I ask this of those who agree with my views, but I ask this of those who do not.  In fact, I may even ask MORE of those who disagree with how I feel, if for no other reason than I want to know that the beliefs that I don't hold have been thought through and can be justified through means beyond "Well, So-and-So-Bigwig said that this is what we all should think."  That is simply not an option here.  We are supposed to be a nation of free thinkers.  We are supposed to be the pinnacle of freedom and democracy, so why the hell can't we even seem to think for ourselves?

These are thoughts that I have periodically, usually as Election Day approaches, now that I don't hang out with the very extreme political activists that I used to.  I find it rather amusing that this latest outpouring was prompted by Gypsy Punk and Ukrainian immigrants.

I think I need to see this band live.

~FG };^>

I met this guy, Chip, at the last open mic.  I accosted him as he was leaving and had a brief conversation.  I was surprised to see him walk in shortly after I sat down.  He and his buddy came over and asked to sit at my table.  If I don't have friends who are going to come out with me, I'll just make new ones, right?  What's interesting to me, though, is that he sought me out.

I like these guys.  They were fun to hang out with.  I wound up being done at the bar and ready to head home, but not quite ready to end the night, so I took the two of them with me.  We hung out being drunk, getting drunker for a while.  It was something I hadn't done in several years - brought random people home with me - and I realized that I kind of missed doing that...

I think that I lost some things over the past couple of years.  The stint of unemployment was the start and after several months of not really having the means to go out and do *anything* combined with not really having people around who were willing to look for cheap and/or fun things to do, I forgot about the things that I used to do...  and used to have a lot of fun doing.  It's interesting to me to step outside of myself and really try to look at where I was vs. where I am now.  There are pieces that I'd like to get back, but they're so far removed from how far I've come that I'm just not sure how to even start reclaiming them.

But I guess that the whole bit about making new friends and reaching out to people in the situations where I am a regular is probably the best place to start.  The more people I get to know, the broader my world gets - even if it's broadening back to someplace I used to know...

~FG };^>

Of all the war movies I have ever seen, this has to be the most boring.  I kept waiting and waiting for something, *anything* to happen and it never actually did.  Tedium factor = Dances with Wolves.

About 2/3 of the way through the movie, two guys got up and walked out.  I thought to myself, "Huh.  Maybe they've got the right idea..."  Apparently, they didn't really, since they came back a couple minutes later.  (And I thought it was primarily girls who went to the bathroom in pairs.)

I kept thinking about walking out, but I also kept thinking "Well, there's only [X amount of time] left to the movie, something interesting should happen soon."

But, no, it never actually did.

The highlight of the movie was Jamie Foxx, shirtless.  And, honestly, it wasn't enough to justify the $9.00 I wasted or the TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK.

Horrible, horrible movie.

Fitting tagline, though.

~FG };^>

That's how I feel about this entry.  It's late in coming, but in a lot of ways it applies to the day I keep intending to write about.

We can't miss a week of open mic, we can't miss a post about the open mic.  The day started fine, but ended a little oddly.  After keeping a co-worker waiting forever to drive me home, I still had Mike's keys, so I couldn't leave.  Thankfully I did have my guitar, so I was able to sit alone in the office and practice until he was ready to leave.

I guess I'm bored, or maybe dissatisfied with all of my original tunes right now, so I spent all the time I had left before the open mic looking for new covers on the internet.  It's a really good thing that I practiced earlier or I would have been completely fucked.

So I headed down and saw a couple of people I know a little bit.  The annoying little man made his appearance, but thank gods, took off rather quickly.  I wasn't really feeling the whole performer bit...  I haven't been for a little while, but after a very interesting conversation that I think I needed to have, I felt that I really needed to make myself do this.

I was mostly alone for most of the time.  There is no worse feeling than being surrounded by people who are laughing and talking and having a good time and feeling utterly alone...  lonely and isolated.  It's a very helpless feeling and moment to be inside and I think I've been feeling that lately more often than I've admitted to myself.  If I don't have some sort of safety net at these performances, I don't only feel like I'm going to fall, I feel like I am falling, before during and after I perform.

But then Bobby D and Tom (his drummer) showed up!  That was the safety, or at least part of it, that I needed.  I felt much more grounded (which is weird because Bobby is not an overly grounding kind of person) and MUCH more comfortable in getting up on stage.

Being bored with my originals led me to play two covers, which is not something I usually do.  In fact, in the entire time I've been going to this open mic, I've only done two covers total.  So, I guess to some extent, this was a new thing.  I opened with Summertime and closed with Fever. 

Everyone always tells me that they love my voice.  I never feel like I get *real* feedback from the audience, only from my friends.  Bobby loved Fever, felt that Summertime was only mediocre.  Tom just nodded and grinned like an idiot - lol.  I love those Spitfire Pilot guys...

Mike tried to make it, I gotta give him that, and he did make it to the Lark Tavern...  about 2 minutes after I got offstage.  But he's a good sport about things and hung out with me and Bobby and Tom for several hours.  We pretty much stayed until Spitfire Pilot (sans bassist) played...  there wasn't much left after that.

But it's that safety net that makes all the difference.  I feel *much* less insecure about talking to people when I know I have people I can go back to when I'm done.  I feel much more comfortable getting up on stage when I know *someone* is going to give it to me straight about my performance when I come back down.  That's the piece that has been missing all too often lately. 

It makes me lose interest when I feel like people are just being nice...  that's not helpful, I need to know what you REALLY think...  and only my friends are able to do that for me.

~FG };^>

One article that I read several years ago really made me think.  It was an article from Wired Magazine, discussing how the gaming community (developers) have created an excellent platform for testing out the human AI interfaces.  Read:

At this point, it's not surprising to note that the guy who disclosed himself as believing in the robot uprising theory did so in a gaming magazine.  AI and gaming are intrinsically tied together.  Which makes the robot thing even more frightening, to some degree.  Think about it...  we're learning to control robots, or at least artificial life forms, but we're doing so on their terms.  In playing these video games, one of the first things we have to do is learn the controls, learn the limitations and teach ourselves to work within those conditions.  We are infinitely adaptable creatures, but it's the AI that is training US.

I believe that some humans (but by NO means all) are predisposed to be used in such ways.  Some of them consider themselves tech-savvy, but are already mostly mindless drones, slaves to the machines that they think they're driving.  What scares me is when the people who should be poised to fight this worst-case scenario are the very ones who laugh and mock when the idea is presented.  Those who determine that we who have apocolyptic visions of what the future *could* hold as we move closer to smart houses that cater to your every whim, smart cars with minds of their own, computers that can read your mind are paranoid and silly at best, insane and delusional at worst.  Which are real and which are the product of science fiction?  The answer to both questions is all of them.  They started as sci-fi concepts, but are rapidly becoming reality.  While only one of those links is to real data (by choice, searches on smart cars and smart homes will turn up legit information), it serves to prove the point that the future is now and the line between what is real and what is stuck in the realm of science fiction is blurring.

I read an article, back in September, that talked about the results of a survey of bloggers. (HRMPH!  No one asked ME.)  I guess the working theory is that people who blog do so because they want to be political pundits or wish they had pursued a career in journalism, but the reality is that most people (about a third) blog as a form of therapy, of sorts.  They do it to get those thoughts out.  They do it as a journal.

This, to me, leaves the question, Why do we then, post our personal thoughts in such a public forum as the internet?  This question is somewhat answered within that article linked above:

But I disagree with this assessment to a point.  I think there is a measure of the popularity contest.  I think that we all want to be needed or loved or wanted.  (*surreptitious look at the current poll on the sidebar*)  That's what Google, and more specifically, the Page-Rank system has done to us.  We all Google ourselves from time to time, and it's either an ego boost or it dashes our hopes (or maybe leaves us relieved if we're looking for a measure of anonymity).

Jason asks:

I think that the success of blogs is not necessarily determined at all by whether or not you have good content or a decent style.  I don't think it necessarily matters what, if anything, your topic is, but rather, who you know.  I think that the more people you know, the more traffic you'll have.  The more people you know who *also* blog, the more links will exist to your blog. 

For example, Jason, I found your blog one day after reading a comment you made in Al's Words.  I clicked the link when you said "I have a new blog, check it out." and I read it for days before you prompted me to finally reply.  I left a link, which is not something I normally do...  well, I'm picky about it at the very least, and the next thing I knew, you had a link to my blog on yours.  I almost immediately returned the courtesy.  That's just how things tend to work in the blogosphere.  One hand washes the other.

(Just a random interjection here.  I had originally written "blogsphere" because, to me, it sounds better and the Google Toolbar's spellchecker which does not recognize such words as "blogging" or "bloggers" changed it to "blogosphere.  I found that rather odd and worth noting.)

The blogs I see that seem to get the most traffic are the blogs of teens.  They don't necessarily have much to say, or at least not much of social or political import...  I'm sure it's important to them, though, I remember being a teenager.  They discuss the latest gossip and the homework they put off until the last minute.  They speak in code (I guess it's a sign that I'm getting old that I keep thinking some of these are in foreign languages, but they're not, they're in CODE!) and they tag each others boards with silly little comments that we, of Generations X and Y, would have had to call to say...  or page to each other.  LOL.

I also think there's something to memes.   I've become fascinated with the concept of memes lately.  I'm not interested in playing those games, but it's given me a great research project.  The memes that I link to above are not what are commonly known as memes within the blog community. 

Essentially, they are shared topics for those without the ideas to create new content.  IMO, little more than a cop-out, closely related to the chain mail that plagues our inboxes.  "Let's play a game...  tell me your fondest dream, your favorite color and your very first pet's name and I'll... " well, it's ME we're talking about here.  I'll delete it and tell you to kiss my ass.  (Well, I probably won't tell you that, but that's what I'll be thinking.)

Back on topic.

What makes a good blog, or even a great blog, is the person who's writing it.  It's not about the people who read it, at least it shouldn't be.  If it becomes that, at least actively, then I truly believe that you've failed.  I think you can wonder and question it, but more than anything, aren't you questioning yourself and your motivations for doing it? 

I don't know that there's any more success to a blog than there is to a journal.  If you fill every page of a blank book with secret thoughts and hopes and dreams, are you then successful?  With a blog, there is no end to the pages...  it goes on forever, so that measure of success doesn't work.  Writing every day, at least for people who have other things isn't realistic.  I mean, it can be, and it can work, but everyone gets caught up in real life.  If you skip a day (or two or three or seventeen) does that mean you've failed?

Can you measure success without an equal standard of failure?  If not, then I think that most blogs that are written to some regular extent are ALL successful.  Because I don't believe that failure exists in blogging, unless you get sued for it. 

Yeah, I think you have to have clear motivations and an equal idea of failure to gauge the success of a blog.  If you don't have both of those, then any measure of success that you try to apply simply will not fit.

Is it not enough to know that people care enough about YOU to want to know what you think or what you feel?

I ask myself that question on a regular basis, my dears.  Usually it is.

~FG };^>

I mean, here I am...  I realized several months ago that I was falling in love with someone...  someone I didn't expect to fall in love with.  I still haven't said a word.  Well, that's not true, I have, but I haven't done it in any kind of way that he would know.  I haven't looked him in the eye and said, "****, I think I've fallen in love with you."  Why?  I hate the answers that I know are true.

1) Because girls don't do that. 
2) What if he rejects me?
3) How could I ever look him in the eye again?
4) I don't want to lose him.
5) I'm not his type (though I'm not even sure I know what his "type" is).
6) He's not interested in me like that.

And the other girls say I'm chicken.  That I'm silly.  That I'm being a girl about this.  And you know what?  They are right.  I am.  I'm being that mainstream, "society tells me I should...", stereotypical girl that you see on television and in magazines and in books.

Because that's what I've been taught.  And whether I actively pursue it or not, somehow it has infected me.  Whether it's who I am most of the time or not, whether it's something that I fight against, it's always still there.

But, for the most part, it's rare.  For the most part, I don't get into that.

For the most part, I DO enjoy being a girl...  and the rest of the time, I ride it out and wait until it's over and I can move back into the happy parts again.

Never do I wish I were a guy...  no matter how many times they say "MAN, I'm glad I'm a guy.  I don't know how you women do it."  I still know that even under the pain and heartbreak and giving in to the societal urges, I LIKE being a girl.  I like sometimes wearing makeup and looking cute and all the things that I said in Part I.

Even when it's hard.

~FG };^>

So I don't mind being *the* girl.  I never minded being the one who had to sit across the laps in the backseat because everyone else was a guy.  I never mind being the one nominated to catch the bartender's eye or to ask for whatever is needed or even to call and find out how late the store is open.  They often ask me because I'm the girl, but I do it because I'm GOOD at it.