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Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I may have already written this post. In fact, I wrote a post earlier that I have since decided to scrap after several conversations and comments got me to thinking (heh, go figure).
Last night a friend of mine called me "long-winded" in reference to my blog. He's not wrong. Several people in the past few days have told me I'm a good writer. Honestly, if I wasn't, I wouldn't write ;-) At least one person has expressed surprise at how much of myself I put forth in my blog. All of these things combine to make me rather introspective, as I have been for the past couple weeks, at least.
I write this blog because it's the only form of a journal that I've been able to keep. I think that part of that is that I'm just as free to post diatribes and essays on topics that don't fit into the standard journal format. It's a free-for-all, basically, with little to no rhyme or reason other than it all comes from me. Hence, the title of the Blog, Ramblings of Fyre.
I read an article recently that discussed anonymity in the internet age and the lengths to which some people have gone to ensure their continued anonymity. I do not have that luxury, nor am I sure that I want it. If people look for my real name, they won't find much, but if they know to look for FyreGoddess, there is a wealth of information. I have made a name for myself in certain areas on the internet with this very handle. It's one I'm starting to feel I've owned and there's a persona that I've developed over the years that I really like. Part of me resents how easy it is to find me, but there's an even larger part of me that *really* resents the pseudo-FyreGoddesses that exist out there... many of whom are no longer in existence. I've been building this persona for 6-7 years. It's mine now.
Example: I just now ran a Google search on FyreGoddess. Out of the first 10, only two (one of them a sub-link) were not me. In the second 10, four are not me and they come up Page Cannot be Displayed and one of them might have been me, I tried to log into the forums, but it said the username does not exist. Further weeding through leads to many broken links which may or may not have once been me and many, MANY references that are, in fact, me.
It is mine now. I don't think I want to lose that. I've put a good bit of effort into gaining whatever bizarre internet status that I have. I don't think I'd give that up for anything. If that means that people know me, so be it.
Back to the point...
I do post personal things. I let my guard way down in my blog because it's a safe place for me. This is where I come to download the thoughts and information that cycles through my head, otherwise being much more difficult to sort through. I can let my words flow and see where they take me and, believe me, not everything gets posted. If you were to ask Miz or Girl or any one of a couple other people, you'd find that there's a whole lot that I do NOT say out loud (or, type in the blog?) because it's just too dangerous. Some things are not for public consumption. I've addressed that in another (recent) post.
But I have been introspective lately. I've been doing a lot of soul searching in my downtime and that surely comes through in my blog. I don't think I've written as many essays or op/eds as I would like to, but this stuff is important too.
Sometimes I think about the fact that other people are coming here and reading my words, sifting through whatever tedium I'm trying to make interesting and I wonder if I should maybe instead have two blogs. One for the personal stuff and one for the other stuff, but I don't think that's the answer. It would mean I would be more divided and, likely, one or the other would suffer. I also think that if people are going to read whatever it is I have to say, they're probably reading me for my style, not my content... and if they are reading for the content, and reading the details and introspection, then they must be wanting to know more about me... or at least captivated by the words I use to put that information forth.
Yeah, sometimes it's personal, maybe even surprisingly so, considering how little anonymity I actually have on the internet, but sometimes it's not. And no matter if it is or isn't, there you sit, reading whatever random spew that I've put up here for today... and some of you keep coming back for more.
I guess that's all that really matters... that, and the fact that I keep this blog for me. I just let you in.
~FG };^>
Posted at 19:27 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, October 17, 2005
When I fall in love, it will be forever...
"Or I'll never fall in love again..."
Or at least, that's how the song goes. The first line, the title of this post, that I can agree with. Every time I fall in love with anyone it is for forever. Even when the relationship is over, the feeling of love lingers. Not that I would ever want it back, but I don't think it ever really goes away either. I'm not sure how to put it into words, but people change and the "in love" part, I think for me, still applies to that person that I originally fell in love with, even though, probably, that person doesn't exist anymore.
After posting recently here about people I care about and associating them (in my mind, not in my blog) with people from my past who have meant the world to me, I find myself wrapped up in thinking about all the people I have loved over the years... many of whom I have lost somewhere along the way.
There's one person in particular who keeps coming up for me. He is my "what if" guy... He's the one I loved more than anything and, had circumstances been different, my entire life would not be what it is today.
We were best friends. We spent most of our time together, even though we had our own interests outside of each other, we always came back to each other. We shared dreams and stories and hopes, we would sit together, with me on his lap and just watch the clouds go by. We were madly in love with each other without ever knowing that the other felt the same way. But I had a boyfriend, and he was dating several people and it never came to that point with us. I loved him, he loved me and neither one of us ever, and I mean EVER, acted on that or even said a word. The day I left for Michigan to be with, what I thought at the time was the love of my life, he begged me to stay and asked me to marry him.
I'm not sure I took him seriously at that point... I think it scared me far too much to even begin to think about things on that level. But looking back, I do think that part of him really was serious. And, you know, in some ways it completely broke my heart to turn him down. Had circumstances been even slightly different... well... that's why he's the "what if" guy.
I still love him, I'm still in love with him (or at least who he used to be) even though we have lost touch. I think that I always will (be). I don't know if I'll ever actually have an opportunity to tell him that, but some part of me holds out an unrealistic hope of that ~*someday*~ I periodically go looking for him, and sometimes I find him and make contact... contact that lasts for some short period of time and then peters out again.
Last time I saw him, he had a girlfriend and *I* was single... he was pining and ending it, but he was in no place to be with me... on any level. I didn't really get to see him at all during that trip until it was time for me to leave. At the end, though, when we were together and really hanging out, it was totally like old times... and all those old feelings came back to me. I didn't tell him how I felt then. I couldn't cause him the pain, in this already painful moment, that I had gone through when he did it to me. I am thinking about whether or not it's worth it to try to find him again.
I'm always going to have that wondering in the back of my head. "How come we never dated?" Even though I know the answer... we were madly, though unrequitedly in love with each other. And neither one of us ever said or did a damn thing about it... at least, not until it was time to move on, anyway.
That's the thing for me. We were in love with each other for YEARS. I don't know that either of us knew that the other was in the same place at the time, but we kept that secret forever and ever... from each other... maybe even from ourselves, individually. I don't think I want to go down that road again and wonder, years after the fact, "Why didn't we ever date?" Because these days that answer is not nearly as clear cut as it was 15 years ago. These days the answer is little more than "I'm a fucking chickenshit and can't say anything because I'm paralyzed from fear." Hah. Lovely.
No, I certainly don't want to go through this again. I've been in love with K for 15 years... and probably will be for the rest of my life. Falling in love with someone else has left me thinking about this whole scenario. I don't want to pine forever about yet another love...
~FG };^>
**A note here. I wrote this several days ago in response to an unasked question... sort of. Every time I think about actually posting it to my blog and making it open to my readers to see, I change my mind. I have no good reason for that, but I tend to trust my instincts, they rarely lead me astray. I've been updating and editing this post quite frequently since I originally wrote it, perhaps in the hopes of getting it "right". If this ever actually does get posted publicly, keep in mind it's been shelved for some time for reasons I don't entirely understand.**
Posted at 22:14 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
That's a line from a book I recently finished, but it's a sentiment that I've been thinking about today. Girl actually brought it up for me, in some sense.
I don't think that the majority of people in this world actually live in the real world. I think there are a lot of people who live a fantasy and think that it's real life. They work their 9 to 5 and they do the good marriage thing and they think that they've got some semblance of normalcy and that everything outside of that is somehow bizarre. But I choose the believe that the semblance of normalcy is anything but.
I work my 9 to 5, I spend many of my evenings/nights playing the rock and roller. I raise my son to be as good a person as he can be, I spend time doing things I enjoy with people whose company I enjoy. Why is that not normal? Is it because I choose not to repress myself á la society's standards? Is it because the things that I enjoy doing are sometimes things that people don't understand? Because the truth is that people think I'm weird, simply because I try to live a life that is enjoyable to me.
I think there are far too many people in this world who create some sort of ideal of normalcy based on what they see on television, read in the paper or in novels or on what other people tell them is "right". I think there are far too few people in this world who define normal or right based on their own true beliefs and choose to allow others to create the definitions for them. I think that a lot of people wind up giving up certain aspects of themselves in an attempt to fit some mold that, really, no one ever fits.
Why is this the "right" thing to do? Why is it only acceptable to hide who you are inside, to hide the reality of yourself in the hopes of fitting into some fantastic ideal that no one can ever achieve?
I choose not to. I choose to make my dreams reality, rather than making reality my dream.
If that makes me weird, so be it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 19:00 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, October 14, 2005
Oh good grief. THREE DAYS of crap.
So, in my office, I only have half of the workstation that every other person in this office has. I have half the surface area, no drawers... just a small desk. Factor in the two monitors, phone, keyboard, mouse and the fact that my computer sits on my desk and you can imagine that I have no space to work with, really.
Ok, so I get targeted for an ergonomic evaluation and they're complaining that I'm not very good at all. I complain that I'm the only one in the office that has to try to cope with this severe lack of space, so they arrange for me to get the rest of my workstation. Perfect, right?
Yeah... well...
So last night, before I left, I took everything apart. Dismantled the computer and all the components and I stashed it all under my desk. The desk should have been put together first thing this morning (before I even got in).
It's 11:45. I've been in for 3.5 hours... most of which was spent waiting for a laptop that doesn't even have what I need on it to do my job. I can't accomplish anything, people keep trying to call to get this taken care of and, here I sit, entirely unproductive, due to NOTHING on my part except trying to follow instructions.
Wednesday was totally a Wednesday... I haven't had one in a while... spent most of it crying and didn't go to the open mic, but I did get a new song written and finished, which I guess is a bonus. Thursday was a day of running late and minor annoyances and crappy things every time I thought it was starting to get better.
Today, on top of my desk, I'm frustrated about a number of things, annoyed with people who are just... I don't know, getting on my LAST NERVE... and I swear to you, I cursed an entire elevator full of people.
Slacker Friday it may be, but all I want is to gain some feeling of productivity.
I just want to work. How many people can say that on a Friday?
~FG };^/
Posted at 11:49 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, October 10, 2005
Those of you who know me personally know me to be one of the most upfront, honest and blunt people on the planet. If I take exception to something going on, whether it's an action or a phrase, you can generally count on the idea that I will say something about it. I'm pretty steady and reliable about that sort of the thing, most of the time.
*Most of the time.*
That said, I can be an incredibly subtle person, especially when I don't want to put someone directly in the spotlight.
As I've said before, I have no idea who actually reads this blog. There's only one person who actually subscribes (see the text box on the right-hand side? putting your email address in that box and submitting it will send you notices when I actually update.) and only about 3-4 people who talk to me about my blog and my entries herein. Factor in the handful of people who comment (at least 3 of whom fall into the other two categories) and that leaves me with knowing only about those who actually *tell me* that they read it (*pointed glance in someone's general direction*).
The hit counter keeps on climbing. This tells me that there are significantly more people reading me than I have any kind of knowledge, or even suspicion, of. I know that a couple friends have links to my blog on their sites, others find me through Stratics, BlogDrive users see my name on the recently updated list, and people who know me may Google "FyreGoddess". I'm honestly not difficult to find.
I'm also not particularly difficult to decipher most of the time, either. Again, it's about whether or not you know me personally. I strive to make this entire thing easy enough to follow and read without knowing the key players in any given set of circumstances, but those who know my life and the people in it will often make connections that others simply cannot. A mention of a scene will automatically tie in with a story I told about a specific person, a quirk or defining part of someone will easily lead to "Oh, she's talking about so-and-so". That's fine. I assume that people will do that... so much so that sometimes the connections aren't quite made, possibly because I am too vague... sometimes, I think, because the communication up to that time simply is not there.
It came to my attention this weekend that another friend of mine does, in fact, read my blog. I knew he *had*, but I didn't know that he did regularly. This particular person has been a topic, or at least a mention, in several recent posts, but wound up saying to me "OMG, I didn't know you were talking about me." And that's the thing... if I'm talking about you, you may never even know, simply because I omit the pertinent details to protect the identities of just about everyone. Not just from themselves, but from others who read here.
I have personal rules when it comes to my own blogging. I will never intentionally humiliate anyone. IM conversations are off-limits unless I have express written permission. Phone conversations or face-to-face conversations may be paraphrased, but I will make every attempt to mask the identity of the person I was talking to if there's any chance that they will be embarrassed or somehow disclosed. I am far too loyal a person to hurt someone I care about in a public forum such as this... whether I know they read it or not.
The subtlety that I exhibit tends to manifest most often when it comes to my emotions. I'm a very private person, which many find difficult to believe, simply because, on the surface, I seem to be so open. It takes a lot for me to expose myself to people, and to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by others. There have been too many cases where I've been in that vulnerable state and been taken advantage of, or had certain thoughts or feelings used against me in very hurtful, painful ways.
I strive to not let that happen.
And yet, there are some people who draw it out of me... or, rather, who draw me out of that protective wall. They are few and far between, but once they breech the wall, they move to some inner circle that consists of my family and a very small handful of close friends. 9 times out of 10 it takes years for me to get to that point with someone. There's an evolution of friendship and trust that eventually turns into a feeling of safety that allows me to consider letting them in. Sometimes there's an event that prompts it, usually from them letting me in and, without saying it, letting me know that it's safe to return that courtesy and friendship. I would say that something like this usually happens once every year or two at most.
In this past year, I have let two people in that far.
This is virtually unheard of for me. Not just in my adult life, but in my *entire* life. I learned, very early on, because of my unusual upbringing that getting close to people only ever leads to heartbreak. If I don't leave, they do. It's taken me probably 20 years to understand that sometimes you have to take those risks to claim the rewards that are offered, but it still scares me and it still leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
These two people in particular are interesting to me, simply because of how quickly I let them in and how it all came about. First and foremost is support in endeavors that are very important to me. Asking questions, giving feedback and simply being a shoulder to lean on has been a huge step in that, but there's also little things - events or comments or just those undefinable moments that make one of us say to the other "I understand that. I know you think that no one does or would, but I've been there." Those moments are so incredibly rare and important.
So here are some messages to these two new people. Things I doubt I'll ever say out loud, not because I'm afraid to, but simply because I just don't do that sort of thing the way I know I should.
1) You don't read my blog (at least, you haven't yet), so I may have to one day say these things out loud, although I know you have told me in the past "You know, Fyre, I really should read your blog one of these days..."
I didn't want to trust you. I didn't know that I could. Honestly, from early on, though I was drawn to you, you never struck me as the type of person that would hold a deep secret if it held no meaning to you. You showed me differently, and maybe it took us sharing a secret together, or maybe it took you sharing your secrets with me, but I trust you more than I've trusted anyone new in a very long time. You let me cry on your shoulder. You made me feel safe enough to do that... and that's not something that I feel very often. You are on a very short list of people I feel comfortable enough with to really let my feelings *show*, and you were able to see them cross my face before anyone else did. The best part about that was that it was ok with me that you saw that... simply because it was you.
If you had told me how close I would feel to you now, I wouldn't have believed it, but you are a very good friend to me, and I hope that I can be as good a friend to you when you need it.
2) You, I know, will actually read this. That makes it harder... almost like saying it right to you, which I would, if I thought that the opportunity would arise.
You are unlike anyone else I've known in more ways than I can define. I trusted you very much very early on. Not necessarily with secrets, but with something that I can't put my finger on... maybe reality... no, not reality... maybe truth? It's rare for me to find anyone who feels that "safe", especially so early on, but you took me in and helped me out when I didn't even know that I was looking for anything and maybe I wasn't, but it was nice to find regardless.
When I'm around you, I really like who I become. There are some toxic people in this world who make those around them crazy or poisoned. There are very few who can affect others in a positive way. I don't know what it is, and I think that there's a good chance that defining it would cause it to lessen, but you affect me... you make me better. That is something so rare that I think I've only ever found it once before... but that's a story for another time. This is about you.
I let you in and you made me cry. That's something that I have a very hard time forgiving from anyone, but instead of my usual reaction to curl up and hide behind my walls, once we got there I instead made the effort to open the door even further and, this time, really let you in. I cannot put into words how difficult that is for me to do. I only hope that you can understand what that means coming from me, that I went against every deep-seated instinct that I have developed over the years (decades) because that's what you needed from me.
I think I'll stop right there because anything more and this will become your personal ego-entry, and this blog is supposed to be about me, dammit.
So this is how we do...
Keeping people masked from anyone who doesn't know the background. Keeping things in check when too much disclosure might hurt someone I care about. Keeping it vague because I know I'll remember the details with only a little prompting of the circumstances. Keeping the extent of the emotions under wraps so as not to show vulnerability or weakness to those who may be in a position to use it against me.
This is how we do...
Emotions are personal and need to be evaluated before they can be felt/dealt with. Perceptions of what can be construed as weakness cause me to shut myself off and become very cold. A sheet of ice as a layer of protection to fend off or maybe counteract the warmth that emanates from inside of me, regardless of whether I want it to or not.
This is how we do...
On the internet, they say, you can only get to know someone based on what they show you. I think that in most of my life I've always done that. You can't really know (hurt) me if I only show you what I want you to see. It takes effort for me to provide anything more than that... to anyone. And since people don't know these things about me, for the most part, they also don't know how much it means for me to actually let people in, beyond the superficial.
This is how we do.
~FG };^>
Posted at 18:05 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, October 09, 2005
I am not nearly as much of a Gemini as Miz wants me to be. I am far too much of a Virgo in nature to allow the rising sign to come through the way she thinks it should.
Yeah, whatever, Miz.
~FG };^>
Posted at 22:29 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
I am not the kind of girl you date...
I think that I am the kind of girl you marry.
The problem is that I'm not really interested in that, at this point in my life. I want to date, and I want to date exclusively, but I don't want to go into *any* relationship thinking "This is it. This is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
First off, it's unrealistic and dangerous to play that game. Secondly, I don't want to be or even just feel trapped like that. Problem is that most of the guys I date seem to go in thinking this. I can't even list the people who have said to me "...and I knew that you were the woman that I wanted to marry." So far, the ones who haven't said that (or felt that way somewhere) are the ones who said "I like a girl with spirit" and meant "I like to break girls' spirits."
It's quite a pickle, really. I find that the whole idea of a lifelong commitment freezes the blood in my veins. Scares the hell out of me, mainly because I can't say that I'm going to be the same person for the rest of my life, let alone that (mysterious) he will, LET ALONE that we will change in compatible ways as we change (and we all know we will change, somehow). Scary stuff, when you consider that too many people have wanted me forever... when I probably always knew, on some level, that it just wasn't going to work out in the long term.
I think it's a categorization that all men and women fall into, but as we evolve and grow, we may step outside of out proscribed boxes. I know I've met men who were simply not long-term relationship guys... and when I was with them, when I was smart, I knew I didn't even want commitment out of that. He's the guy that's real pretty and maybe makes good money, but there's not much personality. And, let's be real honest, the lack of personality didn't really matter as long as he was good in bed. That's they guy you date... and that's really it.
I draw people in, like a flame to a moth. Once they're drawn, they're loathe to leave until maybe they burn out or the spark just dies a little.
I wish I knew how to change that. I don't want to be the kind of girl you marry, but I'm really happy just being myself. Sometimes it's thoughts like this that really scare me.
~FG };^>
Posted at 21:59 by FyreGoddess
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I feel like I crapped out at the open mic last night. I don't think I actually did, because I was pretty well-received and all kinds of people (that I both did and didn't know) came up to me afterwards to say complimentary things, but... I don't know, it didn't feel very good to me. I know I could have done better... and again, I think it comes down to song selection... and a lack of practice, surely.
Interesting night. Bobby D from Spitfire Pilot tells me he has a very interesting idea for the two of us, but he won't tell me unless I go to Valentine's (at midnight! on a Wednesday!) and he'll tell me there. I don't know if he was being fickle or not or just trying to tempt me into staying out *way* past my bedtime, but I am certainly intrigued. I wonder if he wants to do some musical collaboration or if he's just looking for new ways to try to get into my pants - lol. So I've promised to catch his show at Savannah's on the 27th, which means getting a sitter... and on a Thursday night. Ugh. Painful, but possibly worth it. I gotta see if I can get someone to come with me. I'm NOT walking home from Savannah's, drunk, in the middle of the night. But I promised Bobby and I'm incredibly curious now as to his "interesting idea", so maybe I'll wind up taking a cab...
There's one guy who is a regular at the Lark Tavern open mic... I'd put down his name, but he strikes me as a ego-googler and he would certainly find this entry, which will not be at all flattering to him. He first started really talking to me last week, but last week I was surrounded by my friends, so I had a safety net. I didn't have that safety net last night, unfortunately. So I head out, solo, and grab myself a small table, only to be accosted and cornered by this guy...
This guy annoys the piss out of me. I don't know why, but there's something about him that just sets me on edge. I don't like his music and I don't like his personality and part of me wonders if the two don't go hand in hand, because the people there whose music I do like are people who I also almost always like on a personal level. This guy proceeds to tell me a story of when he was in college and some of his housemates got some shrooms. He couldn't figure out why they were so excited about mushrooms. The housemates decide to make some tea... this guy's thinking "Mushroom tea? Sounds nasty." They disappear into the attic, where they decide to sit in the dark and hallucinate (been there, done that) and he still (at 34 years old) can't wrap his brain around this concept. It's as completely foreign to him as it was back 15+ years ago.
I don't need you to have done drugs. I don't need you to be a fringey kind of person, but I think there's some part of me that needs anyone I spend any quality time with to at least understand that sort of thing. I need to surround myself with people who are accepting of others, even if they live on the fringes of society.
So this guy is totally judgemental and, DUDE, he is the *most* boring person I have ever met. And he won't stop talking about all this boring-ass crap! I mean, I can deal with some people... I can listen forever, but COME ON. We *all* have our breaking points and he was totally mine. I must have looked absolutely miserable, because as people started arriving some of them (I can only assume) noticed how painful things were for me, took pity and drew him away. Much to my relief.
So then came the bit with Bobby... and I don't know what to make of that. Then I guess I was mostly just hermiting. There wasn't much I had to say, there weren't many people there that I knew (or was interested in seeking out). Waited my turn, got up and performed and had quite a few people (some I didn't know) come up and talk to me about my performance. Well-received surely, my "Angry Grrl" set. Not happy with the way it came out, but I guess others were.
So I walked away with a demo from a band called "Positive Mental Trip" which I still need to listen to. Nice guy who came to talk to me, though - Luke was his name. I'll have to make a point to look for him in 3 weeks when his triangle brings him back to the Capital District. Reached out, once again, to Steve Adeletta, who is a local comedian with great potential! Very funny guy, good material... needs to work on the heckling reactions a little, though. This is the second time I've chatted with him, very sweet guy, I'd like to get to know him.
Home by midnight. Bed well before 1. And yet, today, I find myself feeling all kinds of icky. I'm tired, I'm achy, I'm sore, my knees hurt. I would just about *kill* for a backrub, which makes me think about other things (*sigh*).
But I am not making a plan right now. I have forsworn plans on this particular topic, choosing to embrace the chaos (and freak the hell out on Miz and Girl as necessary). The only plans I am making these days are dinner plans, as in, what am I going to cook on [day of the week]? Outside of that, I'm testing the waters and trying to figure out whether or not I can realistically plot courses for things that matter beyond my little obsessive bubble.
~FG };^>
Posted at 21:44 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Or so I have come to believe.
They call me a bad influence because my mere presence tends to affect people in highly unique ways. I feed their subconscious or their repressed urges, simply in allowing my subconscious a certain measure of freedom and in not repressing my urges and emotions. As a result, I have a BIG personality (as covered early on in this very blog) and one that many are drawn to.
The ego is a somewhat different thing, though. It's not the typical ego that most people think of, in terms of talking bigger than I can back up. It's simply a matter of knowing exactly what I can do and what I can do well, and not being afraid to promote those aspects. It comes off as vanity, it comes off as egotism, but I don't think that those words actually convey the truth behind it.
I don't create reasons for people to like me. I don't exaggerate my own accomplishments (though I may exaggerate for the sake of a good story), but I don't play them down either. When I do something worth being proud of, I AM proud of it, and I don't care who knows. When I do something spectacular, I recognize it as spectacular and want to share my own joy in a job done well. I like when people feed that with acknowledgement, but I don't crave it or insist upon it.
Something I've started to notice, though, that ties in with the subject line and the "bad influence" bit is that when other people are around me, they tend to feel a little freer about promoting their own achievements. It's not exactly a pissing contest, because we're not actually trying to best each other, but sharing stories of really cool things we've done. Again, we do this without exaggeration (other than for the sake of the story).
I'm prone to talking about how much people love me... and they DO. There are very few people who find me utterly annoying and worth avoiding. Sure, there are plenty who find me overbearing at times, and I can't think of *anyone* who hasn't just plain needed a break from me when it got to that point, but what you see is what you get with me, I don't have hidden motives very often, and I'm no good at keeping secrets. What keeps me mysterious is the sheer amount of experiences that I've had that will only ever be recalled when the right question is asked, and few people are *that* good at asking the questions that spark those kinds of stories.
So someone said to me today, "You know, I'm not like this in real life. I'm only like this when I'm around you." But what struck me about that comment is how relaxed and comfortable he seems to be when he's "like that". It feels like a natural state, not that I know him in his "real life", but I never questioned anything about who/how he is when I do see him. I mentioned my working-theory about the ego being contagious and he seemed to accept that, but it keeps me thinking...
There are so many people in this world who are completely wrapped up in trying to be something that is either not in their nature or just not true to their [pick your word: soul/persona/being/self]. I'd even go so far as to say that most people have certain aspects of that, even if it's not the entirety. We all hit it at one point or another, after doing the whole "growing up" bit, anyway. There are certain things that are taboo, so we don't talk about them, we don't express them, we don't do them to the extent that we'd like to.
I strive to not have that. I work at not being a slave to other people's expectations, at least when they conflict with my own.
Could it be that the "bad influence" that people see from me is actually not bad... just outside of accepted societal standards? Could it be that "bad influence" is the only label people can put on whatever it is about me that brings out the TRUE in people?
It's something to think about, at any rate.
~FG };^>
Posted at 18:30 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, October 02, 2005
It was a really good thing that I took Friday off. I can't even begin to imagine how overwhelmed I would have been had I worked through the day. As it was, I was able to sleep in a little, go grocery shopping, hit the beer store, get my laundry done and only pick Girl up 45 minutes late.
She got a call from the Laundromat well before her train was due in. "Um... I decided that if I rush, I'm going to panic, but I don't want to panic, so I'm not going to rush. I'll be a little late to pick you up." She didn't mind and I got there eventually.
We went back to my apartment, settled her in for a few seconds, grabbed the kid and hooked up with Princess to head to the *shudder* mall and see Corpse Bride.
A moment to talk about the movie, if you will. I think that this is one I need to see again. It was, frankly, the most bizarre children's movie I have ever seen in my life. It was twisted and sick and WONDERFUL. Everything I expect from Tim Burton and then some. It reminded me, on some level of Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean's amazing children's book, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish (you can read my review of the book at that link - 8 of 8 people found it helpful - lol). At it's core, Corpse Bride was very much a children's movie, but at the same time, it comes from the twisted mind of Tim Burton, so you ought to know what to expect to some degree.
While I loved it, and I do want to see it again, I don't think it's one of my favorites. As much as I adore the utterly bizarre, this one was a little strange, even for me. I firmly believe that Danny Elfman can do no wrong, especially in collaboration with Tim Burton, but the musical numbers will not as amazing as I've come to expect, specifically when comparing (and how can you not?) to The Nightmare Before Christmas. But it was still a good movie, and I was very glad to have seen it.
The girls talked baseball, despite my assertive statements that the Yankees fan (Princess) and the Red Sox fan (Girl) were NOT allowed to discuss baseball. Go figure, the Yankees/Red Sox game was on while we headed home... *shakes head* You know, I like baseball, I just don't care about TEAMS. I mostly like sports, but I can appreciate a good play no matter who I'm supposed to be rooting for.
Anyway...
Came back and prepped for a quiet evening. Girl says "You're my favorite person to get high with" and, after 5 months of being clean, I gave in to smoke up with her. I have no desire to go back to that, so I'm off again, at least until there's a good party or a specific person that I want to imbibe with. I'm happy enough with a fridge full of beer or a night on the town. I don't want the expense. I don't want the hassle, and I don't want to play with the potential for addiction. I didn't miss it. I don't miss it. But, at the same time, I kind of enjoyed doing that with Girl... I mean, it's Girl. That's kind of how we became friends in the first place.
Saturday was supposed to be a shopping day, but we lost the person we were supposed to be going with. Nothing wrong with that, though... it was nice to spend a quiet day. We went shopping for dinner and just bummed around the house. My Guitar Buddy and his girlfriend came over for dinner and a brief practice, which was nice, but I think that GB is a little under the weather (and I know that he's quitting smoking) so I'm not sure if this week will be a duo week... we'll see. I don't mind if he feels like he needs a week off... It might be good for him, you never know.
The rest of the night was playing cards (Spawn kicked both our asses in Rummy 500), drinking Jager and watching the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which holds up nicely). Quiet and just hanging out. That's what I love about when Girl comes to visit, we can just kick back, catch up and be ourselves. I miss her sometimes, but I think I like that she lives far enough away for our trips to visit each other to be special.
I started writing a new song this weekend, too. It's a piece that I have been playing on guitar for months now, but I never knew what I was going to do with it - just that I wanted to do *something*. All of a sudden, the inspiration hit me, and hit HARD, and I was able to start setting up some lyrics to go with the music. Girl says she's seen me inspired and writing before, but after listening to me play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER (ad infinitum), I think maybe she hasn't before... she's seen the early stages, but not the overall process. One more thing you've learned about me, darling.
So I sent her off this morning happy and well-fed. She'll be getting on the train in a little while, after being subjected to the humor stylings (such as they are) of my father. She looks forward to that part, almost every time. I love that.
The sounds from the other room remind me of the *other* important thing about the *shudder* mall. I bought the Spawn his (late) birthday present. I bought him Kirby and Girl picked him up Revenge of the Sith. He's been happily occupied all weekend long.
So, yeah, it's been a good weekend for all of us. I was less obsessed with all the drama and bullshit that I've been wrapped up in and it's always good to be able to talk to Girl. She challenges me and makes me think, but she's also a good ear to bend and shoulder to cry on. And she's tough like me... and meddlesome (also, like me) and prone to saying things like "I'll just go hunt him down and take matters into my own hands" and, while I know she won't, I also know that if it got to that point, and I actually asked for it, she would. I doubt I'd ever use that, but it's nice to know it's there.
~FG };^>
Posted at 12:18 by FyreGoddess
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