There always comes a moment when clarity is granted.  It's not something that you can seek and find, but just when you find yourself at your most confused and you can't seem to figure out why nothing makes sense, all of a sudden, that missing piece falls into place.

I got that recently.

I was lost and trying to figure something out, but the harder I tried, the less I felt like I was making progress in the right direction.  From all sides I kept hearing "You have to do something, you have to say something" but the problem was, for me, that I didn't know what I was supposed to do or say or whatever because the situation as a whole didn't make sense to me.  Something was missing or something was unclear or something...  I knew something was wrong and I said to other people that something was wrong, or at least different. 

But all it took was a single piece of information for everything to make sense... and for me to wind up feeling like quite the heel for certain actions and behaviors, but when I mentally compose my apology now, knowing enough details that things actually make sense, I think I'm going to be apologizing for not being (more) psychic...  and that is going to be an interesting conversation to have.

These lollipops are much MUCH more satisfying than these.  However, BOTH websites are totally lame.

The latter, however, has better flavors, while the former lasts forever.

But this is what I keep thinking about...

~FG };^>

I decided several months ago that I'm going to quit smoking.  I intended to do it around Hallowe'en, but decided that it was probably smarter to make it through the holidays and *then* give it up.  Otherwise, it's likely that the stress of the holidays will drive me back to smoking.  In the hopes of really doing it this time, I am trying to be smarter.  So that's my new plan. 

I heard, though, earlier this week that today (Thursday) was the Great American Smoke Out, so I decided this would be the perfect time for a trial run.  I would not smoke today, and just today, in practice for when I really do it in January.  And, you know, once again it was confirmed to me that I can be a real idiot sometimes.

I didn't prepare for this at all.  I didn't smoke myself sick or even oversmoke in the slightest.  I didn't buy lollipops and make sure that I had toothpicks or chewable pens or anything like that.  I only told my smoking buddies...  and only two of them. 

It took until about 10:30 for me to "give up".  At least, I threw my hands up and said "That's it!  I'm done with this, let's go!"  And Cuyler talked me out of it, I mean, this is the person I was expecting to give me shit about it.  I was expecting him to make it more difficult, especially after, 1) his comment about "Oh damn, is it the smokeout again?  That means I have to smoke twice as much," and 2) because he's just kind of that kind of guy...  or so I thought...  and (sort of) so he says.  He also, at that point told the rest of the boys in the office (all non-smokers) that I was doing the smokeout, bringing upon himself quite a bit of "Why don't you quit?  It's so bad for you."  You know, all the bullshit that comes up when smokers are in the minority.

Everyone's birthday!  I think that the celebration of a passing year is a really cool personal holiday.  I think of it as your own personal New Year's Day.  (I really do.)

I get excited about birthdays.  Sometimes more excited than the person him/herself.  Often more excited - especially when they're over the age of about 14 (and now that I'm 30, most of them are).  I (selectively) tell people whose birthday it is and attempt to orchestrate some outpouring of happiness and love for them.  I think I do pretty good at it... 

I try to pay attention to birthdays...  sometimes I fail...  like earlier this year when I honest and truly thought that someone did not want it recognized at all.  Mea culpa, I know better now.  But usually, I succeed, if only in minor ways.

I take people at their word.  They say "I don't want presents.  I don't want a card."  I make a point not to do it.  You don't want a big deal made about it, and you tell me, then I won't make a big deal about it...  but I will make mention...  You want a party?  I'll throw you a party.  Or I'll come to your party.  Or I'll find someone else's party and we will crash it :-D

There are lots of birthdays right now.  Not quite as many as my official Birthday Season (August - September), but still quite a few.  More this year, I think, than I have known in the past.  I think I have 6 or 7 written on my calendar for November, but mostly they are quiet ones (for me).  I don't have to throw parties or bake cakes or buy presents for most of them (and I'm not sure how I feel about that...)

When I put my mind to it, I *can* have a measure of tact, though.  So when I'm practicing that and not telling everyone who knows you what day it is...  when I'm not running around seeing if I can't swing something maybe a little dramatic...  when you're telling me it doesn't matter and I'm saying that it should...  let me go.  Let me have my fun with your birthday.  I'll make it special if I can...  I'll make sure it's noticed at the very least (but only by those you *want* to notice).

And after the biggest birthday mistake I have EVER made, I will always make sure it's noticed...  even if you (whoever "you" are) tell me that's the last thing you want and you want to pretend you're not having one.  Because now I know, from experience, that that is a LIE and people DO want it noticed and they DO want to be appreciated and the rest of the world loves an excuse to say, "Hey, I just want you to know I care."

And I'm good at learning from my mistakes.

~FG };^>

Woo hoo!  Turned on the hit counter back in May...  6 months later (and some change) I broke 1000.  Yay!  :)

I was the featured subscriber on Blogdrive this weekend...  I think that helped bring people over...  not that I was overly interesting this weekend, but, hey, numbers are numbers, right?

I don't know that there's any real meaning that I can apply to the numbers themselves, honestly.  The reality here is that the numbers go up and I still don't know who is reading or even really how many people.  I could easily assume that there are a whole 10 people who read this blog and just hit the page several times a day (*you know who you are :-P*)  But, I don't really think that's the case.

So, for whatever the milestone means, thanks for helping me achieve it.

Apparently, creatures that have not been proven to exist do not need to be afforded protection (a la, endangered species) at least that's what Sweden says.

Hundreds of people claim to have spotted a large serpent-like creature in Lake Storsjon in the north-western province of Jamtland, and in 1986 the regional council put it on a list of endangered animals.

But a government watchdog challenged the decision, saying such protection was hardly necessary for a creature whose existence has not been proven.

I wish...

• That the papers were signed and I could get my name back.
• That someone would show up on my doorstep and say "Pack your bags, we're going away," and not even tell me where we were going.
• For a job that will make a commitment to ME.
• That money didn't matter.
• For enough time in a recording studio to have something solid that I can share with other people.
• That I could fill every night with socialization.
• That just once, I could be the girl in a relationship.
• That he would notice me, and do something about it.
• That I still believed in some of the things I have abandoned.

It's a selfish list...  nothing big, nothing global, nothing of great import.

It's what's on my mind...

~FG };^>

It sounds like he wants to play "Happy Family" which is FINE with me as long as it doesn't affect my life.  He wants the Spawn to go live with him full time.

All I want is the goddamn FUCKING papers before the chippy has his latest baby.  I don't think that's too much to ask, but he wants to try to take the Spawn from me using underhanded techniques of coercing the kid?

Oh screw that.

People can walk all over me and I will let them, for some period of time, but there always comes a breaking point, and I am rapidly approaching that.  TWO people now have told me that I can totally take him for everything he's worth (which right now is nothing) and, you know, it's starting to appeal to me.

I can take the Spawn.  I can probably have his wages garnished, but beyond ALL of those things...  I can get my own lawyer, take matters into my own hands and totally, completely and utterly emasculate him.  I may actually take that road.

I have a decent job, make decent money, have an apartment that is *more than* big enough for me and the Spawn.  He has no money, a million jobs, a tiny-ASS apartment that is nowhere near big enough for him, Spawn, the Chippy and a baby...  Who do you think has the advantage here?

It's not something I want to do.  All I want is for the papers to be signed, to get my name back and to continue on with my life as it is and to enact some of the plans I have on hold.  I do not want to go to court, I do not want to put my son in the middle of all of this, but SEVEN FUCKING YEARS is a long-ass time, and our TWELVETH anniversary is rapidly approaching.

I don't want to do it, but I'm thinking about it.

And I know, above all else, that if I did it...  I would win.

~FG };^>

I am a woman of extremes.  I don't know if I've stated that here before, but I do know that I have said it many many times.  I do not live in a black and white world, I do see the shades of grey, but for me personally, there is no middle ground - pretty much ever.

When I do stupid or painful things, I go ALL out.  I can't just trip and fall, I have to fall into a HOLE or off of a train or cause myself some ridiculous and laughable injury in doing so.  When I love something or someone, I LOVE IT/THEM.  When I hate something, same thing.  There is very little that I am on the fence about or am apathetic about.

Many times, if I don't have an opinion on something, I will go out and do the research I need to formulate an opinion.  If all the information that I find available to me is slanted in one direction, I will withhold judgement until and unless I can see the other side of the story.  I try to be fair in my extremes.

Sometimes there are people who go ridiculously far out of their way for you.  Sometimes there are people who go above and beyond anything you could possibly expect for reasons that you may never understand.

It's really hard for me when people do that.

I am not very good at taking kindness from people.  I'm rather suspicious of motives most, if not all, of the time.  I am not very good at telling people how important they are to me or how much the little things mean.  I am not very good at taking compliments.  I am not very good at believing that people do nice things (for me) for no other reason than they care.

It's just not in my nature.  But I still make the effort.

So, I try to find the perfect thing.

There is no one perfect thing.  It varies from person to person and situation to situation.  There are hundreds of thousands of perfect things, but for any given moment, there is only one that fits.  I have both given and been given perfect things throughout my life, but never have I seen them duplicated.  It's subjective and personal and, most importantly, it's a surprise.  The perfect thing is NEVER something that has been asked for.

The perfect thing is thank you and I love you and a thousand other things that I can't ever seem to find the right words for.  It is exceedingly rare to find that for any person, though some are harder than others.  For Parizad I found the perfect thing, in concept if not in design, when I was given the key to her heart.  Princess has found the perfect thing for me twice, once with perfume and again with penguins.

But the perfect thing isn't always an object, and it usually isn't something expensive or elaborate.  It can be something that comes from the heart, like a song or a poem; it can be something made, like dinner or a scarf; it can be a hand-me-down or a found object; it can be anything with meaning, no matter how obscure the meaning is, and the meaning is what defines it as the perfect thing.

There is a perfect thing for every person.  There is a perfect thing for every moment.  Finding it is hard to do.  I am constantly on the lookout for perfect things for everyone I know.  Sometimes I know what it is, but can't track it down, sometimes I know I'm looking, but not what for. 

I am in search of a perfect thing.  I found something that will suffice, but it's just not perfect...  and until I can achieve that, for this moment, for this person, I will likely never be satisfied.

What I find amusing and annoying at the same time is that I've known, for months, that I would *need* a perfect thing for one particular person and couldn't come up with the answer.  It was only ever a matter of time.  I hoped that it would be longer before I needed it, but now I'm stuck, not knowing, hoping that what will suffice will somehow actually suffice.

But it won't convey all the things that I want it to.  Then again, maybe all I really need to convey right now is "Thank you."  I think it does that.  I just wish it would do more.

One thing is for certain, though, I never EVER stop looking.  Not for now, not for then, not for the future.  There is always a perfect thing, and I know it when I see it.

~FG };^>