Yep.  I sure do.  So well that even my closest friends don't know when I'm faking it.  Is that a bad thing?

I don't ask for help or support for the personal stuff, no one offers, no one notices, maybe I'm too independent for my own good.  Either way, though, I doubt that anyone wants to know what really goes on in the dark corners of my mind.  I know I don't, why should I subject others to it?

Every time I count my blessings they seem fewer or more dependent on other things.

I made a flippant comment that I'd rather fall into metaphorical holes than actual holes in my basement.  The answer to that comment was "Yeah, but the story isn't nearly as funny."  The truth, though, is that the metaphorical holes do a lot more damage...  I know because the metaphorical hole is the one that I really fell in...  the one that no one is going to pull me out of.

I felt an urge to post, but I don't feel like I have anything worthwile to say.  I'm starting to think that maybe I *should* start a second blog...  for all the stuff I don't think people want to read...  or maybe shouldn't read...

~FG };^/

Miscellaneous Ramblings today...

Oz says that I am Buttercup.  Cute, but with an attitude.

He also says that it's the small world factor that is key to just about everything and that I would be a fool (ok, ok, he said "dumb ass") to not utilize that in my pursuit of...  well...  anything, really.

I think I'm becoming more trusting as I get older.  I'm a little concerned that I might be a little bit reckless in doing so.  I'm not afraid of those I've decided to trust (earlier than usual, for me), but at the same time, how well do I know them to allow them as much of a glimpse as I have?  The question sits in the back of my head.

I have been asking for this forever.  The last time a guy from Time Warner came to my house to try to convince me that I wanted cable (and should go ahead and ditch broadband and Netflix so as to be able to afford it), I told him I would get cable when they offered it to be a la carte.  I guess we'll see what happens.

Read this article about using eye movements to detect lies.  I think I'm going to start paying attention to whether or not the premise is sound, though not with the intention of actually detecting lies, per se.  Also of interest is the internally-linked article, How to Detect Lies.  I'm pretty good at reading body language, this is just another extension of that...  whether I want to know or not, I like furthering my pursuit of knowledge.

I got spam from a "Conception Mcclellan".  It makes me wonder if anyone out there has *actually* named their child "Conception".  I bet someone has, though...  probably way more people than I would want to know about.

Finally...  Huh.  I honestly had no idea, but right on.

*shrug*

~FG };^>

If there is one thing that I cannot stand, it's ringing in a New Year with things hanging over my head.  For the most part, I'm pretty good about tying things up right away, but there are always things that get put off for "someday".  For me, the end of the somedays is when the year ends.  I cannot start anew with old things still clinging.

This is part of what makes the divorce feel so important to me.  I don't want to ring in yet another year still married.  Ideally, I don't want to ring in another year with his name attached to me, but even to know things are in the works would tie that up for me.

I have a list, in my head.  It's really short and the divorce/name business is at the top.  Secondly is getting over my damn self and doing something about the whole love business (so, yes, Jason, the answer to that question is yes).  Scares the hell out of me and I'm not entirely sure how to go about it.  I'm good at convincing myself of bad things...  things I don't want.  I'm good at convincing myself that he's not there...  which gives me a really easy reason to not do or say anything at all.

I'm taking care of the recording stuff and I think I'll have a short CD compiled before New Year's.  So check that off the list.  I've been good about keeping the blog/journal, so there's no resolution to be had on that front.  My social life is relatively healthy, though maybe not quite as full as I'd like.

For what it is, it's mostly good.  I seem to only have two major ends that are still loose, and a little more than a month to take care of it all.  The million dollar question right now is whether or not I can work up the courage to tackle one and whether or not the Dragonmaker is man enough to get the divorce taken care of.  I'm honestly not sure which one is the long shot. 

Honestly, I don't know which one I'd prefer to be.

~FG };^>

Breathe mp3
Happily Ever After mp3

You can also go here and listen to Think About Me (with lyrics) and find another copy of Breathe.

I'm not entirely happy with them all.  The reverb is a little much, I'd like to completely redo Think About Me vocally, but overall, I'm satisfied with how much was done in the meager 2 hours we had to play with.

I cannot wait to get back there!

~FG };^>

Tomorrow I'll be recording at least one song. 

Several weeks ago I played the GE open mic and felt mediocre about it.  It looks like performing with Offsides is going to fall through, but the recording bit is going along.

One song for free was the offer that he made, but I think I can afford to do a couple more past that.  It's going to be tight, since we had to schedule it for later than I wanted.  I know I'll leave with one song recorded.  Ideally, I'd like to get 2-4 past that.  I have about 7 songs that I'm almost completely satisfied with, at least as satisfied as is possible for me to be.  I'm trying to figure out which 2-4 songs I feel most comfortable with, and which go best together and see how they turn out.

I am very much looking forward to making real strides musically and being able to share this passion of mine with people who may not otherwise get to hear it.

I just finished reading this book, Jennifer Government, by Max Barry.  This is the novel that the game, Nation States is based upon.

What a cool story!  I'm not quite sure if I would classify it as Science Fiction, but that's the closest categorization that I, personally, can fit it to. 

In this novel, corporations run the world.  Everything is based on Alliances of corporations, including the police force, which is affiliated with one of the two major alliances.  The government tries to enforce various laws and regulations that the corporations attempt to skirt.  Schools are privately owned by corporations and everyone takes the last name of where they work or go to school.  (So, for example, we have Katie Mattel, Hack Nike, Claire Sears and, yes, Jennifer Government.)

It's not a huge stretch to think that this could happen within our lifetimes.  I'm not so paranoid to think that it will, but it certainly *could* and it wouldn't surprise me much at all. 

It was an excellent book, telling an excellent story and making sure to wrap up the loose ends by the end.  It was almost *too* well-written...  there's a certain element of unfinished business that I'm accustomed to, but that wasn't very blatant for me.

Anyone who plays Nation States should read this book, but I also think that there's a wide audience out there that would simply love the book just for what it is, a unique look at where corporate culture in the US could, potentially lead us one day.

I like how Max Barry's mind works.  I may have to check out his other book.

~FG };^>

This year, on Thanksgiving I am thankful:

• For my son, a wonderful child becoming a wonderful, whole, healthy, happy person.  He is a joy to be around and he is learning from me, the best parts of who I am.
• For my family, loving and supportive, together doing the best we can to take care of each other and help each one of us take care of ourselves.
• For my friends, true and loyal, real and distinct, for support and company and the occasional shoulder to cry on.
• That I have a job, that my career continues and I still love my work.
• That I am healthy and feel ~*alive*~ every day.
• For the music that pours out of me, and the occasional opportunity to share it with others.
• That I can look back and really see how far I've come...  that some things are over and well behind me.

That's good enough, I think...  for now, anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~FG };^>

It always amazes me how certain things that, by rights, should be rather alarming can be not only taken in stride, but stated in a very calm and rational manner.  "Your coat is on fire" is one of those things.  Any article of clothing, on fire, tends to be understated and factual.  One friend of mine surmises that the reason for this lack of panic or even urgency in tone and delivery is so that the person on fire can calmly and rationally pat out the fire and not wind up spreading it in their panic.  I guess that's as good an explanation as any.

I don't know about evenings that end with me on fire... 

When we got into Albany (coming straight from work) we had about an hour and a half to kill before it actually made sense to pick up the tickets.  I thought that it was going to be a heck of a lot more crowded than it actually was and planned out exactly how things needed to go...  or would have needed to go had there been any kind of a crush of people like I was expecting. 

So we started off at Antica Enoteca and had a nice, light dinner and a couple of glasses of wine.  Braved the bitter wind for the very short walk to the Armory.  We were there about an hour before the show was scheduled to start.  I was told that the doors would open at 6:45 and expected to be waiting outside for about 15 minutes, but they already had the doors open and were letting people in.  We were not only early, but ridiculously early.  And bored for a while.

We drank the pisswater beer that was the only thing available and wandered around.  Some woman from the local newspaper was taking pictures and asked us, "Do you mind if I take your picture?'  Mike's reply was "She doesn't," and he took off out of the visual range of the camera.  So there you go, I was Seen at 311, aka thrown to the wolves.  What a wretched picture.

First up, Alien Ant Farm.  I'm not a huge fan, and it wasn't a great performance.  Mike called it "showboating" and that's a pretty accurate assessment.  My issue was more with the sound guys, who apparently did not know what the hell they were supposed to be doing in that booth.  It was alright, not great, not even really good, but *shrug* what do you want from a band I wasn't really into to begin with?

Intermission and I lost Mike - lol.  Ran into someone else I know and chatted with him for a while, but wasn't able to find Mike again until the show was over.  Now it was time for the headliner, 311

Well now, I've been going to concerts for 30 years.  I know how to handle myself and how to deal with crowds.  Until last night, though, I had never been caught in a crowd sway.  I was shoved and pushed, I lost two of my buttons (one was my favorite), had FIVE mosh pits create in front of me, was accosted by lesbians grinding up against me (for the record, I'm not a lesbian) and I had a fucking blast.

I was three sheets by the time we left.  Pisswater it may have been, but the alcohol content was there.  I attempted a stealth ninja move in trying to return a Netflix movie and wound up sending my cigarette flying.  Mike laughed in a sarcasm-laden "compliment" to my graceful mailbox prowess and, as I retrieved my cigarette, informed me that my coat was on fire.

"No, it's not," I told him.

"Yes.  Your coat is on fire..."  gave up trying to convince me and simply patted out the burning.  There were no actual flames, but yes, my coat was on fire.  This should really not surprise anyone.  It certainly didn't surprise me.

Although, I am still wondering about it.  People are generally very calm and rational when informing others that their clothing (etc) is on fire.  I mean, sure, it wasn't like I would wind up with x-degree burns all over, but, DAMN, dude, it was on fire.

And, yet, I know that if the situation was reversed (oh come on, if I'm around, do you really think someone else is going to catch on fire?) that I too, would be calm and rational in explaining to whomever that they were a little bit on fire.

Because, I think, in that situation, "Holy crap, dude, YOU ARE ON FIRE!" is pretty much the WRONG thing to say.

~FG };^>

I turned off comments for a reason.  I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy.  I don't want pity or virtual *hugs*.

I originally sat down to write this a month ago, but reconsidered - several times, in fact. I have since decided that if this is really going to be my journal, it needs to *really* be my journal, and that means the dark stuff, too.  If this can't be a safe place for me, then I do not have one and that is a frightening concept. 

Feel free...  no, feel encouraged to skip this post.  I turned the text black on purpose...  to make it easier to do so.   It was going, initially, to start with, "I fear I am losing my grip on reality."  Things have changed... 

I am losing my grip on reality.  But at least I haven't completely lost it yet.

It feels so wrong to be writing this so close to Thanksgiving.  Please don't get me wrong, I count my blessings on a regular basis and I am very aware (and appreciative) of them all, but I feel like the opposite of what Thanksgiving is supposed to be.

I wish I could chalk it up to the holiday blues, but it's been going on for longer than "holiday blues" justifies.

I am pretty far from ok these days.  I have been for longer than I think I realize.  I put up a good facade and I think that mostly  nobody sees it.  Probably because I don't let them. 

My heart aches.  My soul is weary.  I want to cry, but I don't feel safe enough to actually be able to.  I'm jumpy and nervous all the time.  I didn't used to be.  I miss not feeling like that.

Details...

I love my work and my chosen career, but my job leaves me dissatisfied.  I am bored.  I took  a paycut that wasn't too significant, but the cut in hours made it so.  I'm pretty fucked financially and I don't feel like I have any unexplored options.  My employer has yet to make any sort of commitment to me.  I feel/am disposable.

I am desperately lonely.  I have some GREAT friends who are really there for me and a very supportive family, but it's just not enough.   I miss having someone to hold and to kiss and to love.  More than I ever thought I would.  What makes it worse is that I *am* in love and I just don't think he's there (and I'm scared to death to say or do a thing about it).

I feel like I keep making sacrifices that lead nowhere.  It seems like I'm moving backwards in success.  Not just material success, but in having a successful, happy life.  I don't know what to change or how.

My anniversary is next week.  It will be 12 years of marriage to the Dragonmaker.  Funny thing, though... it's been over for 7 of them... and I still bear his name.  More and more it's like a stone around my neck.

I am not happy with who I am very often these days.  I feel like I'm pretending to be the person I want to be.  It might fool other people, but I know the truth.  There are times when I really *am* that person, but most of the time, I don't buy it.

I feel broken.  I feel emotionally battered.  I keep trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind occupied, but I am *always* aware of the underlying reality and my unoccupied moments are plagued with it.

I don't even need to be *happy*  Right now I would settle for ok, or just satisfied.  Even that doesn't feel attainable right now.

I'm not looking for Happily Ever After.  Believe me, I'm far too jaded to buy into fairy tales.  I wish I still did, though.  Even if things weren't easier, they were easier to cope with.

I just don't know what to do, so I hang on with all I have and hide all this stuff from ~everyone~  Sometimes even myself.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.  The stasis is becoming painful.  I just want to find a way out of this hole and, honestly, I don't know if anyone takes me seriously enough to offer me a hand... or a ladder.  I don't know if anyone takes me seriously at all...  ever.  I feel like people think I'm a joke and I'm not really laughing about it anymore.

I'm in the hole...  I have been for a while.  I don't know how to get out, but it's really starting... hah!... not starting... it's really affecting me.

I haven't told you everything.  There are things left that I'm not ready to fully admit to myself yet, and things I'm not going to say out loud, but that's the gist of it.

I feel very vulnerable and very helpless.  I am pretty fucking far from ok.

But I'll get back there.  I always do.  It's just a matter of figuring out *how*...

~FG };'^<

So, not that anyone will be able to read this, but there are all kinds of technical difficulties with Blogdrive (Blogdrive users can check the forums for more information).

Again, not that people will SEE this post, but if recent posts and comments appear to be missing, we have been assured that they will show up eventually...  so no worries, I guess.

~FG };^>