I think that the children of the 60's got it a little bit wrong.  Well, maybe that's a harsh statement.  I think they got it right, but somewhere along the line, the signals got crossed and the idea of Free Love and even "Make Love, Not War" became entwined with the also-occurring sexual revolution.  But the original idea was there...  at least for a little while.

Free love isn't about fucking anyone who expresses interest or desire.  It's not "free sex", it's a concept of allowing yourself the freedom to love people fully, without having the romantic attachments involved.  It's a brotherly or sisterly love, a platonic love that lasts forever... no matter what you do or say, no matter how long you stay in the other person's life, when you love, it is forever.

For as long as I can remember, I've preferred the company of boys to girls.  What this has often meant is that my close male friends think that they've fallen in love with me.  I've broken more hearts than I care to count, but I think there's a reason for that.  It can be hard to distinguish between loving someone and being in love with that same someone.  I've seen it happen where my relationship with a close male friend has needed to be redefined by an outside party to relieve us of the sexual tension.  Once that happens, though, the whole relationship can move to a different level - one where we can acknowledge the fact that we do love each other, but without the complications of wondering if there's that "in love" quality.

I believe that being in love means that when you look in the other person's eyes, you see yourself reflected in the very best light.  Not reflected from within you, but from either the way the other person sees you or, at the very least, how you *want* them to see you.  Being in love is far too often confused with simple infatuation.  I think that we often convince ourselves that we're in love with people we're merely infatuated with because the concept of love and being in love has been so heavily romanticized that it's craved, sought after and pursued, which really defeats the purpose.  To butcher something poignant that I read from an online friend of mine, "You don't get to pick.  Love chooses you."

I've come to realize that I've probably only truly been in love twice.  Once many years ago, and I have blogged about that and again recently, which I have also blogged about and for a million different complicated reasons, still haven't said or done anything about.  I have, however, convinced myself that I was in love several times in  between.  Sometimes out of desperation, sometimes out of hope, always while truly loving the person I was with.  It took me years to learn to make the distinction.

See, maybe it was how I was raised, maybe it's the simple fact of being a flower grandchild, but regardless of the reasonings behind it, I love very freely and easily.  Society, overall, does not give me much opportunity to say "I love you" to those I do without it turning into something awkward or dirty or without the pretense of being drunk.  I care very deeply for people, once I let them in.  I am loyal to a fault.  If they let me, I would give them the world, even if it meant sacrificing of myself to do so...  and sometimes it does.  Once I love, I love forever, even when I can't have them in my life anymore, or they can't have me, or we simply drift apart.  That love is unbreakable for me, I believe it's the same for others, but only if/when they allow themselves the freedom to love back.

Thankfully, in my life, I think it's not as rare as I have, and sometimes still do, fear it to be.

If I thought it were possible without omissions, to list either the people I love or at least those I love who I have lost, in some manner, I would do so, but it would literally and physically pain me to forget people, which I would.  Instead, I'll just hope that you know who you are... those of you I love.  Take it for what it is and don't try to read into it, because love isn't all that complicated.  It's hormones and emotions and societal...  *thinks*...  taboos?  that make it so.

It's very simple.  We love.  It's not about sex, it's not about romance, it's about family and friends and caring.  It's about loyalty.  It's about taking joy in the joy of others and feeling sadness because someone you love is sad.  It's a sharing of emotions and a desire to do so.  It just is.  And we'd all be better off, as a whole and individually, if we could just accept it...  and remember that it's ok, as long as we don't make it complicated.

Love,

~FG };^>

Busy weekend that I'm in the midst of today.  I started off by picking up my cute little rental car.  Drove all over creation for a while and eventually got myself to the studio to lay down another few tracks and fix the one "broken" one.  All of the new stuff (and one of the old) can be found here.

Hit the beer store to try some new seasonal beers and was home for about 30 minutes before I had to head out and see a very old, dear friend of mine in Agatha Cristie's Go Back for Murder.  I very much enjoyed the play, but even moreso enjoyed seeing friends that I don't get to see very often and haven't seen in far too long.  I also really like this zippy little car and I got to drive :-D

Anyway, even though there's only tomorrow left, I'm still a ridiculously busy woman with all the holiday shopping, a must-attend party (that I may blow off :-/) and a friend's show that I'd really like to see, seeing as I already have the car...  so, yeah, this is short, especially for me.

Come on, man, YOU try being as busy a woman as I am...  party like a rockstar until you pass out cold...  which is exactly what that means, I guess.

~FG };^>

... proving the idea that sometimes, size does matter.  At least when it comes to candy.

Boys are stupid.  That is part of why girls are mean.

I think there should be a rule that if you're getting on the bus and paying with change, EVERYONE ELSE gets to go in front of you.  Seriously, it will take all of the rest of us (with cards and dollars) less time to get on the bus than it will take you and your handful of nickels.  Why should we have to be cold, just because you're inconsiderate?

(Sparked by a message board conversation.)  Have you ever lied to someone when you told them they were good in bed?  (Faking orgasms counts, ladies, same thing, really.)  I would prefer that people just not say anything than to lie to me...  especially about something as intimate as that.

The idea of "Random Acts of Kindness" ruined the spirit of manners and etiquette.  When the guy stood up and moved to a different seat this morning so that a mother could sit with her child, no one should have been surprised, but everyone was.  It was a gentlemanly gesture, I guess, but when did it become something to be labeled and commented upon?  I attribute this praising and expectation thereof (not by the guy above, just in general) to the overall dilapidation of society in general.

I'm done.  I'm going to practice my guitar.  It's much harder to play the guitar when I'm not allowed to sing at the same time :)

~FG };^>

... in ways I wasn't expecting.

I'm going back to the studio on Saturday.  It's planned as a three-hour session where I intend to rerecord the vocals on Think About Me and to lay down three more tracks.  This means that Breathe and Happily Ever After are going to be coming down, so if you want to download them, do it soon, before I replace them with the new stuff (for now, I'm sure I'll rotate the songs that are up there as I develop favorites).  The three next songs will round out the first three nicely, I believe these to be my very best.

Once I have all six tracks set I'm going to press a bunch of CDs, make some nice labels and give them out as holiday gifts   (So if you want one, and you don't already know you're getting one, let me know and I'll make sure you do...)

I decided that I am taking this entire month off from performing.  I lost my motivation several weeks ago, right after starting the recording process, so I'm taking the rest of the calendar year off to focus on the recording aspect and practicing.  Come January, though, I'm back to the open mics, and I'm going to make a real effort to improve my performing.

And just in time.  I signed up for MySpace Music so that I would have an easily accessible place that will hold a good bit of music and it's been great to have that available to people.  I also know a lot of musicians who use that for networking, so I might as well work that aspect of things.

This morning I woke up to an Add Friend request from someone I've known for many years.  He and I are both alums of the Albany Free School and he now works for AERO (the Alternative Education Resource Organization).  They have a conference every year, recently (for several years) at Russell Sage College in Troy, NY.  I added him as a friend (since he *is* a friend of mine ) and noticed that he had sent me mail asking me if I'd be interested in performing at the 2006 AERO Conference.  Well of course I would!

It was a really nice way to start my day.  It also serves as a much needed kick in the ass to throw myself back into my music the way I was a couple of months ago.  I love the happy curves that life throws you.  The unexpected is so often a wonderful thing.

~FG };^>

Today was Narnia, again at the Spectrum, which is my theater of choice all the time.  I was really impressed.  They stayed true to the book and conveyed so much more than I could have hoped for.  If you go see it, watch the White Witch's crown...  it's the subtleties that really *make* any movie for me.  And lemme just say, "HOLY CRAP, DUDE!  The summer is over and they are still on fire!"  Amazing.  I love phoenixes...  go figure ;-)

Earlier this week it was MirrorMask which was ~*brilliant*~.  Of course, I expect nothing less from the collaborative efforts of Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean.  I took the Spawn and my little bro, both of whom were wowed by the brilliance of these two amazing men.  Spawn, of course, has been reading the children's books these two have written/illustrated, though my little bro hasn't really had much of an opportunity to be exposed to them.  Being 15, I think he might be old enough to be exposed to the Sandman series...  if not now, then soon.  I can't wait!  Hee!

Also on my recently seen list is Pride and Prejudice which I went to see because, well, let's be honest, I am a movie whore.  Princess was concerned that no one would go see it with her, except out of obligation, until she remembered that I will see just about any movie there is, and willingly.  I didn't have high expectations, but I thought the movie was brilliant.  It was over 2 hours long, but it didn't drag at all.  I know there are a lot of guys out there who probably think it's a chick flick, but if you get dragged out there, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. 

We also saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  I wasn't nearly as disappointed as many I've heard.  There are a lot of purists who just can't deal with any changes being made from the original.  *shrug*  Whatever.  I know that J. K. Rowling has extreme veto power and approves all changes to her storyline.  My thinking is, if she doesn't mind, who the hell are you to?  Seriously.  *whine* There was no S.P.E.W.  Malfoy didn't have enough lines.  Dumbledore was out of character.  SUCK IT UP.  She's the one who ultimately let that stuff go, but you know better?  Whatever, I don't want to hear it.  Personally, I liked the movie, and when it comes out on DVD, it will wind up in my collection alongside the others.

I think I'm missing something, possibly several somethings that I've seen recently and this doesn't even begin to touch on the Netflix movies or the pirated movies or the ones people have loaned to me.  Those are innumerable...  and many unmemorable.

I looked at the Spectrum's coming attractions and I think my heart is breaking a little bit that I won't have much opportunity to take the Spawn to new movies there for a while.  However, there are some mainstream movies coming out that look decent that I know he wants to see, so we'll go for the local divey theater unless someone (I'm looking at you, Princess) decides to drag me, kicking and screaming to that mass of consumeristic concrete and HELL that they like to call the mall.

Wow...  I really didn't realize how many movies I've seen recently...  and this just goes back a couple weeks.  It's true.  I *am* a movie whore.  LOL.  Oh well, I can think of worse things to be.

~FG };^>

When I got into work this morning, one of my coworkers told me that there was a woman working with her who read palms.  This was rather exciting for me, since I've always been drawn to the occult, so I made my way, as soon as I had some free time, down there to meet up with this girl.

First off, let me say, I'm highly surprised that I hadn't met her before today and am saddened that she won't be around too much longer.

This woman really knew her stuff.  I've had my palm read before on several occassions, but never before by someone who really knew what they were doing.  Frauds and charletains abound in the arena of psychic activity.  She does not fall into either of those categories.

So I sat there while a friend of mine observed.  My friend was astounded and kept saying that what she knows of my early life tied in directly with the stuff the palm reader was telling me.  There was a significant amount of truth in her findings, which isn't surprising to me, since I am a believer in magick and occult things.

I think it would be a little too personal for me to list off the things that I was told...  I didn't mind my friend being there and I wouldn't have minded anyone else witnessing it, but to sit here and list off all the things she told me...  all the truths she listed about about what my life has been up to now is just...  I don't know...  too close to home.  Some of you, I'm sure, will hear it in oral conversation and anyone who actually asks is welcome to hear what she said, but texting it isn't something that feels right to me, at least not at this time.

She gave me truth, but outside of that truth, surrounding it and crossing it, she gave me hope.  I think that her timelines were a little off in certain aspects and I probably have some difficult roads ahead of me, but I can see the benefits to come.  Not the specifics of them, but let's call it the light at the end of the tunnel...  or possibly between tunnels.

You see, I've had a very hard life.  For every story I share, there are several that I don't.  For every story that I don't share, there are stories I have forgotten, or, more accurately, blocked out of my mind.  Please don't think that I'm complaining.  I'm not.  All of the trials and tribulations have served to make me who I am and to give me the outlook I have on life.  Every experience, for bad or good, has brought me to where I am today, and even when I'm down or downright depressed, overall I have lived a rich life...  does that mean it was smooth sailing?  By no means.  But the troubles and strife have fed my creativity and caused me to really take the time to not just get to know myself, but see things from the perspective of others - some of whom are (or have been) worse off than me, some of whom are better off.

I've thought a lot lately about how I would never give up any of my experiences to have it be easier overall.  I wouldn't change anything about even the difficult times because of where it's led me.  The people I've met and the things I've done lead to excellent stories, most of which are highly entertaining.  I would rather really LIVE and have stories to tell than to coast through life and wind up at a ripe old age wondering where all the time went.

I have earned every single one of my 30 years.  I have, with one exception, made sure that all of my years have been filled with interesting happenings and people.  My parents started this trend and I have continued it, to the best of my abilities.  I do live in interesting times, and when I don't, I make them interesting.

The nutshell of the reading is that I am coming out of one difficult overall time, one that has been lingering for a while and hits me on several fronts.  I'm about to enter into another that will probably only affect one aspect of my life.  I am healthy and (with minor expections) should remain so, with a long and rich life in front of me.  It appears that I am about to find that the rest of my life (or at least the next significant portion) is much smoother sailing than this first part has been.

I have never been more ready for this.  I almost feel like she told me that I've now paid my dues.

I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief that is.

I only hope I can remember to come back and check this in 6 months time to see if I can see the benefits and rewards that she tells me are coming.

~FG };^>

...but the funny part is that I'm still mostly smiling my way through it.

Monday I fell in front of the bus, but the rest of the day was good.  I didn't really sleep that night and Tuesday I was just barely functioning on 1.5 hours of sleep.  On the way into work, the bus broke down, so I was late and then Tuesday night I got home on the late side.  I forgot that I had promised to watch the child of Chaos (who's not even 2 yet) for the evening until I was more than halfway home and the Spawn was whiny and bitchy right up until the baby got there.  She was quite full of herself, too...  as was the Spawn, who I have had every day this week. 

I did it again!  I wrote a significant amount and didn't save the draft.  I did something unintentional and wound up erasing the entire thing.

Being a believer in all things having their reasons, I can only assume that I was not supposed to write the post I was intending to make.  Furthering this is the internal struggle that I have when it comes to discussing other people's religion in what could possibly become a confrontational entry, though I think I'm aware enough of that to not actually let it happen...  just a slight concern of mine.

So, having lost everything that I had started to say, and since I was struggling with putting my thoughts in order anyway, I feel left with only one thing to say:

... and I owe her the public confession of that.

That is all.

No comments :-P

~FG };^>