Which is part of why, I suppose, I tend to prefer lowered expectations over heightened ones.  I wasn't looking forward to today much at all...  partly because I was sick and miserable. 

I had a really nice day.  I had a really nice time.  I had a really nice dinner.  I'm not sick anymore.

I feel like I scored a minor victory for a battle I had decided not to fight.  The Spawn was so well-behaved that it was commented upon by everyone, and in a happily surprised way.  It was calm and relaxed and together and there was no tension.  The Child of Chaos was a joy to be around - the entire time.

It was a nice day.  It's going to be a nice night.  I expected less, but I couldn't have asked for more.

~FG };^>

It's almost over.  Thank gods it's almost over!  The final round - round three - will begin tomorrow morning/afternoon as we journey to the extended branch of the family tree.  I'm not looking forward to this.

First off, I've been really sick for the past 4 days.  I thought I was better and went into work on Friday, but 4am Saturday served to explain to me that I was not, in fact, all right.  I've been battling a fever and chills on and off and seem to be ok with minty teas, ginger ale and dry anything (saltines, unbuttered popcorn, that sort of thing).  Not that you really want to know about this, but I'm keeping it as far from graphic as I can.

I'm very disappointed.  I bought three six packs of winter-themed beer specifically for the holiday week.  I bought the Winter Solstice Seasonal Ale specifically to enjoy on Solstice, but the sheer amount of alcohol (me, with the mead, Dragonmaker with the wines) meant that I took home the six-pack untouched.  Having gotten sick right after means I haven't even touched the stuff.  Although, I did take a small sip off my dad's this evening (way to feel like a little kid again) and this is certainly going to be a review-worthy beer as far as I can tell.

The shopping is all done.  The Spawn has been read the riot act about *not* revisiting the behaviors of the past several holidays (not just Christmas, I'm talking birthdays, Thanksgivings, you name it), I have a flask which I may just risk filling with Bailey's to spike my coffee and take the edge off.  Can you tell I'm not really looking forward to any of this?

I just want it all over.  Christmas isn't really my thing, anyway and the real celebrations within my immediate family is already over.  I just want to curl up in a blanket and sip hot tea and munch on my crackers while I'm sick.  I don't want to play nice and make merry when I'd rather just be home, wallowing.

New Year's, though...  now that's my kind of celebration.  That's my kind of holiday.  I can't wait for that one.  All things considered, I don't mind being sick now if it means I can party all night next week.  I still have to make good plans for this year...  but first I have to get better.

Christmas isn't really helping the whole healing process.

~FG };^>

No, it's not a joke, but it should be, right?  Maybe it is and I'm just waiting on the punchline.  I've been waiting for a while, though.  I always found it funny when we would have Girl's Nights Out several years ago and that would be our group of girls, walking into a bar.  Rarely did the conversations (in the bars) center around religion, but sometimes, the conversations outside of the bars would.

I find myself thinking back to Princess (Jewish) and Jizzie (Catholic) getting into HEATED debates in email threads cc'd to me and Moonstone (both Pagans).  It was usually up to the two of us Pagans to run interference and calm things down.  Most especially when The Passion of the Christ was (about to be) released.  Factor in the Jew as a Yankees fan and the Catholic as a Red Sox fan and you can see how the fun would ensue.

All kidding aside, it always struck me that we should have a punchline, the four of us...  or even any combination of three, but we never got a good one, at least not in our adventures together.  Honestly, the heated debates were few and far between, since, for the most part, there wasn't much to argue about.  We all respected each others beliefs, even if we didn't understand them.

Every year I wish Princess a Happy Hanukkah, and she wishes me a Happy Solstice.  Moonstone gets a Happy Yule and Jizzie gets a Merry Christmas.  The words, you see, simply do not matter, at least they never did to us.  Not that we're the group we once were, with people going their separate ways and all, but it's a lesson that I hope my son will take with him as he grows.

It doesn't matter what you celebrate, it doesn't matter what you call it, it's all a time for love and family, for celebration of life and one more year past.  If there are religious connotations as well, there's nothing wrong with that, it's a time for celebrating personal joys, regardless of how they are categorized.

So a Jew, a Catholic and two Pagans walk into a bar.  Is there a punchline?  Does there have to be?

~FG };^>

Today is the shortest day of the year.  Since June the days have been getting shorter and shorter, most noticeably since September/October.  From here on out, the days will get longer and the nights shorter.  Winter has begun.

My family celebrates the return of the sun.  We celebrate the lessening darkness as the days become longer, and believe me, I cannot wait for the sun to become a little more visible, overall.

A lot of people ask me to define my beliefs for them, especially around this time of year.  I have stopped doing that because I've been berated far too many times.  Innumerable people have told me that I'm going to Hell because I choose to believe things that they simply don't understand.  I don't discuss my religion with very many people anymore.

So you want to know what we do?  You want to know what we believe?  It's not much different from the traditional Christian beliefs, many of which were initially borrowed from the pagans in order to strengthen early Christianity.  These days people accept the traditions of Christmas and often embrace them whether they actually believe in the religion of their youth or not.  My family tries to reclaim the pagan celebrations.

Feasting, gift exchange, candles and lights to entice the return of the sun - these are all pieces of the festivities.  We don't subscribe to Santa Claus or reindeer or any of that.  Saints are not so much a part of our celebration.  We sing and play music and play games and spend our time together.  There's no bloody rituals, there's no dancing naked in the snow, we are not much different from those who celebrate Christmas, but none of us can bring ourselves to celebrate a holiday for a God we do not worship.

We did our research.  We found the roots.  What appears to some to only be, several days early, a "stolen" Christmas celebration, is actually on time, a reclaimed one.  One that history has pushed aside, one that has gotten me into more theological and historical arguments than I could possibly count.

So I spend Solstice day wrapped in a blanket, alternating a fever and chills, hoping that I'll be able to eat (and keep down) whatever dinner I make for the kid.  I don't think much about the difference between what I do and what others do.  We all celebrate in our own way.  At the root of it all, aren't we all just celebrating love and family and togetherness?  Taking joy in our happiness and being together, making sure that everyone we love knows that we love them?

That's what I think, anyway.  It shouldn't matter what holiday you choose or even the reasons that you choose it.  It all comes back to the same sentiment at about the same time of year.

Whatever happened to Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Man, anyway?  It seems like the holidays just make everyone angry these days.  There's too much to fight about, whether it's religion or semantics or what side dishes are being served.  I'm not angry, I'm just sick.  I'm not going to be angry about this stuff this year, I just want them to end so we can move on into the next year...  I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year...

~FG };^>

I think that the children of the 60's got it a little bit wrong.  Well, maybe that's a harsh statement.  I think they got it right, but somewhere along the line, the signals got crossed and the idea of Free Love and even "Make Love, Not War" became entwined with the also-occurring sexual revolution.  But the original idea was there...  at least for a little while.

Free love isn't about fucking anyone who expresses interest or desire.  It's not "free sex", it's a concept of allowing yourself the freedom to love people fully, without having the romantic attachments involved.  It's a brotherly or sisterly love, a platonic love that lasts forever... no matter what you do or say, no matter how long you stay in the other person's life, when you love, it is forever.

For as long as I can remember, I've preferred the company of boys to girls.  What this has often meant is that my close male friends think that they've fallen in love with me.  I've broken more hearts than I care to count, but I think there's a reason for that.  It can be hard to distinguish between loving someone and being in love with that same someone.  I've seen it happen where my relationship with a close male friend has needed to be redefined by an outside party to relieve us of the sexual tension.  Once that happens, though, the whole relationship can move to a different level - one where we can acknowledge the fact that we do love each other, but without the complications of wondering if there's that "in love" quality.

I believe that being in love means that when you look in the other person's eyes, you see yourself reflected in the very best light.  Not reflected from within you, but from either the way the other person sees you or, at the very least, how you *want* them to see you.  Being in love is far too often confused with simple infatuation.  I think that we often convince ourselves that we're in love with people we're merely infatuated with because the concept of love and being in love has been so heavily romanticized that it's craved, sought after and pursued, which really defeats the purpose.  To butcher something poignant that I read from an online friend of mine, "You don't get to pick.  Love chooses you."

I've come to realize that I've probably only truly been in love twice.  Once many years ago, and I have blogged about that and again recently, which I have also blogged about and for a million different complicated reasons, still haven't said or done anything about.  I have, however, convinced myself that I was in love several times in  between.  Sometimes out of desperation, sometimes out of hope, always while truly loving the person I was with.  It took me years to learn to make the distinction.

See, maybe it was how I was raised, maybe it's the simple fact of being a flower grandchild, but regardless of the reasonings behind it, I love very freely and easily.  Society, overall, does not give me much opportunity to say "I love you" to those I do without it turning into something awkward or dirty or without the pretense of being drunk.  I care very deeply for people, once I let them in.  I am loyal to a fault.  If they let me, I would give them the world, even if it meant sacrificing of myself to do so...  and sometimes it does.  Once I love, I love forever, even when I can't have them in my life anymore, or they can't have me, or we simply drift apart.  That love is unbreakable for me, I believe it's the same for others, but only if/when they allow themselves the freedom to love back.

Thankfully, in my life, I think it's not as rare as I have, and sometimes still do, fear it to be.

If I thought it were possible without omissions, to list either the people I love or at least those I love who I have lost, in some manner, I would do so, but it would literally and physically pain me to forget people, which I would.  Instead, I'll just hope that you know who you are... those of you I love.  Take it for what it is and don't try to read into it, because love isn't all that complicated.  It's hormones and emotions and societal...  *thinks*...  taboos?  that make it so.

It's very simple.  We love.  It's not about sex, it's not about romance, it's about family and friends and caring.  It's about loyalty.  It's about taking joy in the joy of others and feeling sadness because someone you love is sad.  It's a sharing of emotions and a desire to do so.  It just is.  And we'd all be better off, as a whole and individually, if we could just accept it...  and remember that it's ok, as long as we don't make it complicated.

Love,

~FG };^>

Busy weekend that I'm in the midst of today.  I started off by picking up my cute little rental car.  Drove all over creation for a while and eventually got myself to the studio to lay down another few tracks and fix the one "broken" one.  All of the new stuff (and one of the old) can be found here.

Hit the beer store to try some new seasonal beers and was home for about 30 minutes before I had to head out and see a very old, dear friend of mine in Agatha Cristie's Go Back for Murder.  I very much enjoyed the play, but even moreso enjoyed seeing friends that I don't get to see very often and haven't seen in far too long.  I also really like this zippy little car and I got to drive :-D

Anyway, even though there's only tomorrow left, I'm still a ridiculously busy woman with all the holiday shopping, a must-attend party (that I may blow off :-/) and a friend's show that I'd really like to see, seeing as I already have the car...  so, yeah, this is short, especially for me.

Come on, man, YOU try being as busy a woman as I am...  party like a rockstar until you pass out cold...  which is exactly what that means, I guess.

~FG };^>

... proving the idea that sometimes, size does matter.  At least when it comes to candy.

Boys are stupid.  That is part of why girls are mean.

I think there should be a rule that if you're getting on the bus and paying with change, EVERYONE ELSE gets to go in front of you.  Seriously, it will take all of the rest of us (with cards and dollars) less time to get on the bus than it will take you and your handful of nickels.  Why should we have to be cold, just because you're inconsiderate?

(Sparked by a message board conversation.)  Have you ever lied to someone when you told them they were good in bed?  (Faking orgasms counts, ladies, same thing, really.)  I would prefer that people just not say anything than to lie to me...  especially about something as intimate as that.

The idea of "Random Acts of Kindness" ruined the spirit of manners and etiquette.  When the guy stood up and moved to a different seat this morning so that a mother could sit with her child, no one should have been surprised, but everyone was.  It was a gentlemanly gesture, I guess, but when did it become something to be labeled and commented upon?  I attribute this praising and expectation thereof (not by the guy above, just in general) to the overall dilapidation of society in general.

I'm done.  I'm going to practice my guitar.  It's much harder to play the guitar when I'm not allowed to sing at the same time :)

~FG };^>

... in ways I wasn't expecting.

I'm going back to the studio on Saturday.  It's planned as a three-hour session where I intend to rerecord the vocals on Think About Me and to lay down three more tracks.  This means that Breathe and Happily Ever After are going to be coming down, so if you want to download them, do it soon, before I replace them with the new stuff (for now, I'm sure I'll rotate the songs that are up there as I develop favorites).  The three next songs will round out the first three nicely, I believe these to be my very best.

Once I have all six tracks set I'm going to press a bunch of CDs, make some nice labels and give them out as holiday gifts   (So if you want one, and you don't already know you're getting one, let me know and I'll make sure you do...)

I decided that I am taking this entire month off from performing.  I lost my motivation several weeks ago, right after starting the recording process, so I'm taking the rest of the calendar year off to focus on the recording aspect and practicing.  Come January, though, I'm back to the open mics, and I'm going to make a real effort to improve my performing.

And just in time.  I signed up for MySpace Music so that I would have an easily accessible place that will hold a good bit of music and it's been great to have that available to people.  I also know a lot of musicians who use that for networking, so I might as well work that aspect of things.

This morning I woke up to an Add Friend request from someone I've known for many years.  He and I are both alums of the Albany Free School and he now works for AERO (the Alternative Education Resource Organization).  They have a conference every year, recently (for several years) at Russell Sage College in Troy, NY.  I added him as a friend (since he *is* a friend of mine ) and noticed that he had sent me mail asking me if I'd be interested in performing at the 2006 AERO Conference.  Well of course I would!

It was a really nice way to start my day.  It also serves as a much needed kick in the ass to throw myself back into my music the way I was a couple of months ago.  I love the happy curves that life throws you.  The unexpected is so often a wonderful thing.

~FG };^>

Today was Narnia, again at the Spectrum, which is my theater of choice all the time.  I was really impressed.  They stayed true to the book and conveyed so much more than I could have hoped for.  If you go see it, watch the White Witch's crown...  it's the subtleties that really *make* any movie for me.  And lemme just say, "HOLY CRAP, DUDE!  The summer is over and they are still on fire!"  Amazing.  I love phoenixes...  go figure ;-)

Earlier this week it was MirrorMask which was ~*brilliant*~.  Of course, I expect nothing less from the collaborative efforts of Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean.  I took the Spawn and my little bro, both of whom were wowed by the brilliance of these two amazing men.  Spawn, of course, has been reading the children's books these two have written/illustrated, though my little bro hasn't really had much of an opportunity to be exposed to them.  Being 15, I think he might be old enough to be exposed to the Sandman series...  if not now, then soon.  I can't wait!  Hee!

Also on my recently seen list is Pride and Prejudice which I went to see because, well, let's be honest, I am a movie whore.  Princess was concerned that no one would go see it with her, except out of obligation, until she remembered that I will see just about any movie there is, and willingly.  I didn't have high expectations, but I thought the movie was brilliant.  It was over 2 hours long, but it didn't drag at all.  I know there are a lot of guys out there who probably think it's a chick flick, but if you get dragged out there, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. 

We also saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  I wasn't nearly as disappointed as many I've heard.  There are a lot of purists who just can't deal with any changes being made from the original.  *shrug*  Whatever.  I know that J. K. Rowling has extreme veto power and approves all changes to her storyline.  My thinking is, if she doesn't mind, who the hell are you to?  Seriously.  *whine* There was no S.P.E.W.  Malfoy didn't have enough lines.  Dumbledore was out of character.  SUCK IT UP.  She's the one who ultimately let that stuff go, but you know better?  Whatever, I don't want to hear it.  Personally, I liked the movie, and when it comes out on DVD, it will wind up in my collection alongside the others.

I think I'm missing something, possibly several somethings that I've seen recently and this doesn't even begin to touch on the Netflix movies or the pirated movies or the ones people have loaned to me.  Those are innumerable...  and many unmemorable.

I looked at the Spectrum's coming attractions and I think my heart is breaking a little bit that I won't have much opportunity to take the Spawn to new movies there for a while.  However, there are some mainstream movies coming out that look decent that I know he wants to see, so we'll go for the local divey theater unless someone (I'm looking at you, Princess) decides to drag me, kicking and screaming to that mass of consumeristic concrete and HELL that they like to call the mall.

Wow...  I really didn't realize how many movies I've seen recently...  and this just goes back a couple weeks.  It's true.  I *am* a movie whore.  LOL.  Oh well, I can think of worse things to be.

~FG };^>