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Sunday, October 02, 2005
It was a really good thing that I took Friday off. I can't even begin to imagine how overwhelmed I would have been had I worked through the day. As it was, I was able to sleep in a little, go grocery shopping, hit the beer store, get my laundry done and only pick Girl up 45 minutes late.
She got a call from the Laundromat well before her train was due in. "Um... I decided that if I rush, I'm going to panic, but I don't want to panic, so I'm not going to rush. I'll be a little late to pick you up." She didn't mind and I got there eventually.
We went back to my apartment, settled her in for a few seconds, grabbed the kid and hooked up with Princess to head to the *shudder* mall and see Corpse Bride.
A moment to talk about the movie, if you will. I think that this is one I need to see again. It was, frankly, the most bizarre children's movie I have ever seen in my life. It was twisted and sick and WONDERFUL. Everything I expect from Tim Burton and then some. It reminded me, on some level of Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean's amazing children's book, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish (you can read my review of the book at that link - 8 of 8 people found it helpful - lol). At it's core, Corpse Bride was very much a children's movie, but at the same time, it comes from the twisted mind of Tim Burton, so you ought to know what to expect to some degree.
While I loved it, and I do want to see it again, I don't think it's one of my favorites. As much as I adore the utterly bizarre, this one was a little strange, even for me. I firmly believe that Danny Elfman can do no wrong, especially in collaboration with Tim Burton, but the musical numbers will not as amazing as I've come to expect, specifically when comparing (and how can you not?) to The Nightmare Before Christmas. But it was still a good movie, and I was very glad to have seen it.
The girls talked baseball, despite my assertive statements that the Yankees fan (Princess) and the Red Sox fan (Girl) were NOT allowed to discuss baseball. Go figure, the Yankees/Red Sox game was on while we headed home... *shakes head* You know, I like baseball, I just don't care about TEAMS. I mostly like sports, but I can appreciate a good play no matter who I'm supposed to be rooting for.
Anyway...
Came back and prepped for a quiet evening. Girl says "You're my favorite person to get high with" and, after 5 months of being clean, I gave in to smoke up with her. I have no desire to go back to that, so I'm off again, at least until there's a good party or a specific person that I want to imbibe with. I'm happy enough with a fridge full of beer or a night on the town. I don't want the expense. I don't want the hassle, and I don't want to play with the potential for addiction. I didn't miss it. I don't miss it. But, at the same time, I kind of enjoyed doing that with Girl... I mean, it's Girl. That's kind of how we became friends in the first place.
Saturday was supposed to be a shopping day, but we lost the person we were supposed to be going with. Nothing wrong with that, though... it was nice to spend a quiet day. We went shopping for dinner and just bummed around the house. My Guitar Buddy and his girlfriend came over for dinner and a brief practice, which was nice, but I think that GB is a little under the weather (and I know that he's quitting smoking) so I'm not sure if this week will be a duo week... we'll see. I don't mind if he feels like he needs a week off... It might be good for him, you never know.
The rest of the night was playing cards (Spawn kicked both our asses in Rummy 500), drinking Jager and watching the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which holds up nicely). Quiet and just hanging out. That's what I love about when Girl comes to visit, we can just kick back, catch up and be ourselves. I miss her sometimes, but I think I like that she lives far enough away for our trips to visit each other to be special.
I started writing a new song this weekend, too. It's a piece that I have been playing on guitar for months now, but I never knew what I was going to do with it - just that I wanted to do *something*. All of a sudden, the inspiration hit me, and hit HARD, and I was able to start setting up some lyrics to go with the music. Girl says she's seen me inspired and writing before, but after listening to me play it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER (ad infinitum), I think maybe she hasn't before... she's seen the early stages, but not the overall process. One more thing you've learned about me, darling.
So I sent her off this morning happy and well-fed. She'll be getting on the train in a little while, after being subjected to the humor stylings (such as they are) of my father. She looks forward to that part, almost every time. I love that.
The sounds from the other room remind me of the *other* important thing about the *shudder* mall. I bought the Spawn his (late) birthday present. I bought him Kirby and Girl picked him up Revenge of the Sith. He's been happily occupied all weekend long.
So, yeah, it's been a good weekend for all of us. I was less obsessed with all the drama and bullshit that I've been wrapped up in and it's always good to be able to talk to Girl. She challenges me and makes me think, but she's also a good ear to bend and shoulder to cry on. And she's tough like me... and meddlesome (also, like me) and prone to saying things like "I'll just go hunt him down and take matters into my own hands" and, while I know she won't, I also know that if it got to that point, and I actually asked for it, she would. I doubt I'd ever use that, but it's nice to know it's there.
~FG };^>
Posted at 12:18 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
I nailed it! At least, I say that without actually having seen the video. I felt good about last week's performance as well, and then painfully suffered through myself on Tuesday when I watched and listened to how flat I actually was. For now, though, having not seen the video, I feel like I nailed it!
Finally, I am a fixture at the Lark Tavern. People know me by face, by voice, by name... and they approach me as often as I approach them. It's a pretty cool thing, I think. It's nice to have finally gotten to that point.
My Guitar Buddy has pulled some strings or just said the right (?) words to the right people and as of tomorrow we're going to be plugged on the radio. This will be the third time we perform together and we're still only attempting the open mic at the Lark Tavern, but apparently the listening audience of a classic rock station will be listening to us being plugged. I have mixed feelings about this. We're going to have to put a lot more time into this week than we have past weeks, but I think we'll do ok. I'm a little concerned that there could be a much larger crowd than I'm accustomed to, but I think we can pull it off.
On other topics, I'm reevaluating. I'm pretty confused by the behavior of someone I *thought* was a good friend. When your other friends say, "You know, he seems like a good guy, but he sure does act like an asshole to you," it indicates something I can't put my finger on. The worst part is that they're right. He really is acting like an asshole and treating me crappy. It's an overall thing and I don't understand what's causing it.
He's changed and I don't know why. I also don't think he's at all aware of how he's changed, at least in his behavior toward me. It makes me feel a whole lot of different emotions. It makes me sad, it makes me worry for our friendship, it makes me worry for him, it makes me wonder what's actually going on... it makes me think in circles and loops... I really hate that shit, you know?
But Girl is coming up this weekend for a couple of days of shoe shopping, drinkin' and playin' cards. I know, sounds lame, but after the past couple of rock n' roller weekends... and weekdays, I need something a little tamer, a little more relaxing. I need a break, I really do, but everything is so exciting I wouldn't want to stop it. And the stuff that's not exciting, that stuff's not going to go away because I choose to spend a night staying in... quite frankly, if not for the distraction of my best friend coming to visit, a night in would likely make it worse.
I just want to shut off my thoughts... I wrote a song about that once. I wish I could remember any of it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 17:20 by FyreGoddess
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I think there are some people in life that we are just destined to know.
I firmly believe that. I want to talk for a minute about my new Guitar Buddy (I need to find a better pseudonym for him ;-).
It was several years ago when I first met him. He was my next-door neighbor and my brother, Chaos, introduced us. He was a good guy, we had certain things in common, but I never really got to know him all that well. We were pleasant and friendly, but I can't say that we formed any kind of real connection. We exchanged numbers when he moved, with the promise of "we should get together and jam sometime", but neither one of us ever called the other. It was just one of those things...
Several months later, I ran into him downtown. I was waiting for a bus and he had cut his hand up horribly at work. As ridiculous as this sounds, he stood there bleeding for a while as the two of us caught up. Once again, we left making sure we had each other's numbers and making vague statements of "we should get together sometime". I figured I'd run into him again downtown since we worked in the same area, but after that (LOL) bloody conversation, I never saw him downtown again.
It must have been at least a year later that I saw him again. I was riding the bus home from my new (at the time) job and he gets on the bus! We sat together and caught up, again, on how things were, this time we both figured that we'd be taking the same bus and could ride together, but again, I didn't see him again. I got a carpool and started keeping really bizarre hours and we just didn't cross paths.
Well, a couple weeks ago, wouldn't you know it? (Of course you would, otherwise what would be the point of this entry, right?) I run into him again. This time, though, the timing must have been right. We were on the same bus and it turned out that he had moved right around the corner from where I live. I told him that I had been playing at the open mics and he should come by sometime, and then I mentioned wanting to put down the guitar. This was the day after I wrote the blog post about wanting to do that. He got excited and said he was really interested in the idea of forming a band.
So once again, we exchange phone numbers and email addresses, setting up tentative plans to get together and try to work something out, but this time was different from all the others. We actually followed-up on it.
Tonight will be our second time performing together and I think we're better prepared than we were last week. We're both very excited and as committed as time allows. We're making a go of this and looking toward the near future with ambition and dreams.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This is something that I've had happen before. I truly believe that there are certain people that we are destined to know, for whatever reason. The timing isn't always right, though, so they continue to appear, periodically, until the time is right for whatever purpose to be served. Had I not continually run into my Guitar Buddy over and over and over again, we might not have recognized each other this last time. Even if we had, there wouldn't be that knowledge of having periodically caught up and knowing, at least vaguely, what the other one is doing with their life.
Every single time I've been a part of this phenomena, there has been *something* that eventually made that sporadic person key to some part of my life - or vice versa. Most of the time it's been mutually beneficial, but that consistency in crossing paths only often enough to not forget them ALWAYS leads to something unexpected.
It's kind of cool to have that overall realization. I think I've known about it for a while, but I could never actually define it.
Now I get it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 05:45 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I am a very ambitious woman
So, tomorrow... for the open mic... now that I have a guitar player...
I'm going to be singing "Hook" by Blues Traveler, in addition to one of my originals.
I don't know if I'll make it through the entire song. I might just pass out. At rehearsal, they told me it was fine, I was good, "I couldn't do that", but... holy crap. This is one hell of a hard song.
I am a highly ambitious woman for even attempting this.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:16 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, September 25, 2005
I'm falling in. That pit of despair. I didn't want to wake up this morning. Now that I'm up, I want to go back to bed. That looming, big, capital D word has washed over me out of the blue.
I feel like I want to cry. I know I should eat, but I'm not hungry. I tried to read, but I couldn't concentrate. I tried playing my guitar, but my fingers are stupid and the motivation simply is not there. Nothing sounds right, nothing feels right, nothing...
I know what's causing it, or at least what's contributing to it, but I can't do anything about it. It's not my move anymore. The only thing that's actually within my power to affect still relies on other people or at least circumstances I cannot control.
I've lost interest, overnight, in several things that mean the world to me. I'll keep going, keep trying, but I don't know how much I care anymore. About anything right now.
I didn't miss this place. I didn't miss these feelings. I have confirmation of people and things that are wonderful additions to my life and I simply DO NOT care about any of them. My mind warps the feelings I have and makes things darker than they need to be.
I'm hurt, I'm depressed, people are noticing. "Fyre, you're not your usual bubbly self lately." What do you say to something like that? I could tell them that it's too hard to keep that up all the time. I could tell them that it's not fair to rely on me to always be the sunny one. More likely I'll just brush it off with "Yeah, whatever" or a simple shrug and leave them dazed and wondering what happened to the cute, lively, bouncy woman who attempts to make everything better for everyone else.
Because, you know, it's rare that someone is able to do that for. It's rare that someone even makes the effort.
I am falling in. And this time, I don't even know that I'll bounce. There's some measure of comfort in that darkness. It's a lot easier to dwell down there than to try to attempt to climb back out.
~FG };^/
Posted at 12:11 by FyreGoddess
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Saturday, September 24, 2005
12 years ago... 12 years later.
It all started on September 24, 1993...
Twelve years ago today I lay in a hospital bed. I held my newborn son in my arms. He was 11 days late, per Dragonmaker's wishes, *not* a Virgo ;-)
He was beautiful. He still is beautiful... and I was also on a whole lot of drugs right then.
My beautiful baby boy was a handful and a half. He was colicky when he was tiny, but we made it through it. I was there for him on his first day of daycare, his first day of school, when he broke his nose at five years old, when his father and I split, when he left the safety of the Free School and moved on to public school...
Twelve years is a long time, you know? There are so many amazing memories that I could never even begin to list off for people. Somehow, I think, that trying to do that might belittle him, or the memories. It's good enough that I remember them and that he remembers them.
Twelve years later...
He had his birthday party today. 8 screaming 11/12 year old boys. He's a wonderful and popular child with great friends. His friends are respectful and conscientious and friendly and everything I would want from my kid's friends. They didn't trash the house, things are still in order, no one got hurt, it was perfect, really. I couldn't ask for more.
This is the boy over the summer. He looks a lot like me, even though he's the spitting image of his father, most of the time.
I can't believe it's been 12 years already. He's growing up so fast. The only thing that I can really say is how proud I am of who he is becoming and how proud I am of both myself and the Dragonmaker for helping him to turn out the way he has.
We took a shot together after the party (Dragonmaker and I, *not* the Spawn). It was like a toast. We're doing good, we're 2/3 of the way there with him. And I have high hopes for who he's going to become over the next 6 years and beyond.
~FG };^>
Posted at 18:56 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, September 23, 2005
No plan, just the knowledge of what needs to happen next.
Though I am still licking my wounds, talking about things to various people has helped immensely. When I got home from work yesterday, I cried a little on a friend's shoulder, then hid in my room and cried a little more, then I took a nap.
I had some really bizarre dreams that I think were trying to tell me something. No one probably wants to read about my dreams and I've analyzed them enough on my own to mostly understand what I think the message is.
I'm going to have to say the scariest 4 words in the English language: "We need to talk." And then, I'm going to have to have a conversation that I really don't want to have. It's a scary prospect and it feels like a risky one, but I can't shake the feeling that it's the right thing to do and pretty much the right time (if there ever is such a thing) to do it.
I am scared to death of what this means. I have knots in my stomach just thinking about all the things I need to say, both out of respect for him and for our friendship, but also for myself and to avoid past mistakes that I don't want to make again.
But one thing I know with certainty is that I can't stay here anymore. I have to do something, I have to actually take action. Fear be damned, I have to suck it up and be the person everyone expects me to be, the person that I show, the person that they know.
I have to just do it.
(Even if I don't really want to...)
~FG };^>
Posted at 16:53 by FyreGoddess
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I guess I wouldn't brush away the idea that I"m being oversensitive. I don't know, but it really REALLY hurt. For someone that supportive to hurt me so deeply with what I can only assume was a flippant remark is hard to come to terms with.
I don't let people in easily or often. There's a short list of less than 10 people who could hurt me the way he did today. One of the most supportive people on the current journey I've been taking, or at least trying to take, to tell me that he doesn't care about one of the most important moments along this path so far.
I think my heart broke a little. I know I was crushed. He made me cry, and that's not something that I let very many have the power over.
The emotional pain was crippling for a while, now it's just a nagging ache. I hurt so much and I don't know what would make it better. People tell me that I should say something and, out of respect for him, I probably will, but I will still hurt and I will still wonder if there was any measure of seriousness in the statement that he made.
It could be a flippant comment that fell totally flat, it could be a case of misplaced anger, it could be a case of... heh, something I don't think I'm comfortable revealing, but something suggested by someone else.
Maybe if I wasn't all wrapped up in that four-letter word that I still mostly choke on I wouldn't be so wounded. Maybe if I saw any hint of a smile or a glint in his eyes, it wouldn't have stabbed so deep.
But maybes don't make it happen.
He made me cry. That's hard for me to forgive, especially when it's something so important.
~FG };`^<
Posted at 00:30 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, September 22, 2005
The old man and the rock star
I have this one friend who, by rights, should be a whole lot cooler, hipper and having more fun than he actually is. It's breaking my heart to watch him these days because I can see him turning into something that he really shouldn't be, but I don't know how to prevent it... I'm sure, actually, that _I_ can't stop it. Either he will or he won't.
Whenever I look at him, I can almost see a specific internal conflict. Picture two men...
There's this bitter old man, and he's carrying a cane. There's also a rock star, he's holding a busted bottle of Jack Daniels as his weapon. These two guys are beating the crap out of each other, fighting for dominance.
The problem is, that as far as I can see, the old man has the rock star cowering in the corner while the wails the shit out of him with the cane. It scares me to wonder what would happen if the old man seriously disabled the rock star, because that's the part that makes life fun... the part that makes it worth it.
Why be old before you even hit 30?
I'm sorry, man, but the word "allocate" should never be used in reference to rock and roll. There's something seriously wrong with that.
~*Working lyrics*~
I wanna live a rock and roll lifestyle
Don't wanna live from 9 until 5
I wanna live the rock and roll lifestyle
There's more to this living than trying to simply survive.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I don't know... like I said, they're working. In progress. I think the muse may be coaxing me to serenade his inner rock star into actually fighting back.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:10 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, September 19, 2005
I am the type of person who simply has to have a plan for everything. When I don't have a plan, I feel completely lost. My friends mock me for this, which isn't surprising since for every situation, at least three or four times, I wind up saying "Ok, I have a plan," or "Wanna hear my new plan?"
"Haha, ok, Fyre, you always have a plan... let's hear this one."
But the really sad part is that most of the grand plans I come up with are abandoned. It's not that they're not *good* plans, usually they are, but every plan relies on a certain specific set of circumstance to occur... and usually they don't, at least not in the way that will fit into my Plan.
Which is why I usually have so many different plans, for a million different situations.
I even rank my plans. Good plan = this would be fun, it's likely I could carry it out or at least it would be the very best outcome I could hope for. Bad plan = not something I want to do, but that I could do if it came to that. Yeah, those are the rankings... all two of them.
It's like a security blanket. It makes me feel like I have a stronger grasp on reality than I usually do. It makes me feel like I'm in control. It makes me feel like there's more than just muddling through whatever situation needs some kind of resolution.
So when I talk about my Plans, when I scheme and plot and map out my next course of action, afford me a little forgiveness. I can't make it through if I have no Plan.
No Plan = pure and utter panic.
~FG };^>
Posted at 19:00 by FyreGoddess
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