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Monday, October 24, 2005
They tell me I should write a book.
"They" being a whole lot of different people. To be honest, it's something I've always wanted to do. I mean, there are a whole lot of people out there who want to write a great American novel and, sure, I'm one of them, but I've never really made the attempt.
Don't get me wrong, there have certainly been times where I sat down with every intention of churning out a novel. I've had several ideas that never came to fruition or that stumped me at some point in the process. I've attempted this on the computer, with a pen and paper in a regular college-ruled notebook, even on a typewriter, but to no avail. Even though I've had several stints of unemployment, it seems that I am simply not inspired during those downtimes and wind up finding other things to do with my time.
When I tell stories of my life, though, that's when people's interest is often sparked. They say "Wow, you should write a book." But I don't know how I could ever convey so much of the frankly bizarre things that I've experienced and/or witnessed in my life. Half the stories I tell need physical gestures or inflections in tone. For some reason, they often do not translate well to text.
Further, my stories don't seem to follow a single timeline. There's the story of my relationship with the Dragonmaker which crosses with the story of K and the stories of tens of other people that deserve to be told; and the stories from college and the stories from places I've been or people I've known; and while all of those things tie together in terms of timeline, I think that they are individual story lines that deserve a moment of their own in the spotlight. I don't know how else to define it, I don't know that you can understand what I mean.
I've been thinking about it, though. Thinking of ways to write my life, or at least parts of it, that step outside of the standard timeline. I think it's the only way to go. No matter how much I write or how many pages I fill, it will never be enough. It will never be accurate and it will never be the whole story. Even I'm not sure what questions are the ones that need to be answered, so I think it's simply a matter of telling the stories I've told time and again, only this time telling them the *right way*, or at least the way that will stay around.
I find myself giving new definitions to chapters. This chapter is a person... this chapter is an event... this chapter is a collection from a place or a thing. One MMO is a chapter to itself. Falcon Ridge is a chapter to itself. School is at least one chapter, maybe two... but even those cross themselves. Maybe even to the point of sub-chapters. The whole thing feels daunting and too big to wrap my brain around.
But they keep telling me that I should write a book... and one day I'm sure I will.
~FG };^>
Posted at 21:49 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, October 23, 2005
Way to freak me out, MOM!
So, more open mics coming up. This week, beyond the regular Wednesday thing at the Lark Tavern, I'm going to be playing an open mic with all performers where I work. I did this once before, to better success than I feel I earned that night, and several people (when they found out I was back from my hiatus, such as it was) got pretty excited to find out I was going to be there, which is nice.
This is a really nice one, too, for several reasons. The first is that it's a new location for me. Not only one I've never played, but also one I don't think I've ever been to. That makes things exciting to a degree. Also, it's farther from home than I usually play, as well as being much earlier in the evening, which means that a lot of people who have asked about my music will be able to actually come out and see me perform (and still be home before their bedtimes - lol).
You see, there are a lot of people who ask about my music, once they find out that I write/sing/play/perform. People ask if I have anything on CD (which I don't - yet) and if I ever play closer to them. Lots of these people live anywhere from 20-45 minutes away from me, so the 10pm shows mid-week are difficult, at best, for them to make. This one is closer to almost everyone but me, and starts at 7. I expect there to be quite a few more people that I know than I usually see at these things.
I haven't mentioned to *too* many folks that they will be recording this open mic. My first reaction to that was to be very excited. Even if it's only a live performance, at least that could be *something* that I could host and either stream or offer for download. Enough people (long-distance) have asked to hear my music, that I was looking at this as a wonderful opportunity to provide that... until I talked to my mother.
I guess, after reading my last entry, people who don't know my mom, or who haven't actually asked me this question, might be inclined to think that my mom is one of those people who is supportive no matter what. HAH! That couldn't be further from the truth. My mom isn't one to sugar coat things. She's not one to lie to spare ANYone's feelings. She's a tell-it-like-it-is kinda lady... in case y'all wondered where I got that from.
So she says to me, upon hearing that this open mic is being recorded, "Uh oh. Those are always the ones where you totally screw up."
Oh thanks SO MUCH, mom. That helps. You know, I've got people coming to this, who can't or at least haven't made the other ones before, I may have a chance to share my music with other people and you tell me THAT???
Good grief, now I feel cursed. I have to now try to be contrary and use this statement of likelihood to just prove the whole thing wrong.
Argh! You know, because I wasn't already nervous enough about this.
~FG };^>
Posted at 16:19 by FyreGoddess
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Thursday, October 20, 2005
Wow... That was... The BEST open mic EVER!
So I didn't talk about how nervous I was. I didn't talk about the fact that this was an incredibly BIG night for me. I didn't talk about how my mother was coming to this performance. Now I guess the first thing I need to say is that my mother is a classically trained musician in voice and piano. I should also mention that my mother plays guitar, mandolin, lap dulcimer and percussion. Probably worth mentioning is also the fact that she and my father were in a rock and roll band, General Eclectic, for many years and made a good name for themselves in the 80's, and the she's currently part of a folk duet with my stepfather.
Oh yeah, and she teaches piano, guitar and voice, plays at schools and libraries, gives workshops and teaches music to children.
No pressure there...
So finally Mom gets a sitter and decides to stay up way past her bedtime to come, see me perform and to perform herself (since Mother Judge is an old, dear friend of hers, and many of her friends/colleagues show up at the open mic). Tonight was that night.
I felt GOOD about my performance tonight. Before anyone said anything to me, I felt goddamn good. The songs I played, I was comfortable with and I made them come off, from my perspective, PERFECT. The notes were right, the chords were (mostly) right and I felt good about it. I felt like I did a good job.
And then they told me. Mother Judge told me. Annine told me. Mom told me. And, you know, that was more than enough for me. I felt good and they validated that.
And then Mom performed. She started off my telling the audience that she only came to support me, and that I signed her up to perform (which is half-true) and then she just blew them away with her quiet, brilliant songstressy. My mom is just... just... incredible. People agree, this is not just bias talking, she is really fucking good.
So she finished and this guy came up to me. He told me that my mom was great and he could hear where I got my voice. Then others started coming up and telling me how much I sound like my mom, and how good we BOTH were, separately. People were coming up to me that I had never spoken to before.
THEN... and OMG, what a THEN this is.
Tess, the owner of the Lark Tavern came up to me. She said, "You made me stop in my tracks with your voice. I was going into the back room to get some liquor and I heard you sing and I had to stop and take a minute to listen. This never happens."
Heh. I told her she must have been talking about my mom and she said, "No, it was you, and that NEVER happens."
Holy motherfucking shit. The *owner* of the Lark Tavern, who hears this shit almost every night stopped and took notice of ME... and even came to talk to me about it.
My mom says she was listening to me and it reminded her of herself. I've heard that before and it never ceases to melt me. Everyone said we were both fantastic and they now know where I get my voice.
I found a lead guitarist who wants to play with me.
And then, random shit, man. I go to Price Chopper to get some cat food and I run into this chick that I used to work with over 6 years ago at Bed, Bath and Beyond... and she recognized me.
What a night. And, for a Wednesday/Open Mic night, I'm not even up that late.
All you silly folks who didn't come to this one... you have no idea what you missed...
But there will be others, and they will be good, too. My confidence is really high right now. I only hope I can live up to it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 00:37 by FyreGoddess
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Sometimes I wish I were a photographer
This morning I was riding the bus, looking out the window just before dawn at the gorgeous full moon. The lights from the inside of the bus caused an interesting reflection on the window and the power lines creating a unique pattern against the sky. Above it all, there was the moon, not a cloud in sight, owning the sky for that moment.
Now, I could have used my phone to snap a pic, but it wouldn't have done the whole concept justice. I'm not entirely sure I could have gotten it with a real camera, but I probably would have at least tried.
See, the thing is that in my mind the pictures are always a lot more amazing than they ever turn out in the photos that I *do* take. I can take decent pictures of people, but it's the landscapes and nature that I love. So much of the time it's missing the movement (like this picture of the snow falling, taken from my front stoop:)
that is really what I'm trying to capture. The other end of that, though, is this picture:
which turned out really well, although it's still missing part of what made it so amazing... the cross-hatching in the clouds just doesn't convey like I wanted it to. Still pretty, though.
Conceptually I understand this, but I simply cannot make it happen due to technical limitations and a fundamental lack of knowledge. Probably I could make a great movement forward with the simple purchase of a decent digital camera, but then it would be a matter of having it with me, which is not always feasible.
Even just the idea of carrying a real digital camera with me brings up annoyances that I run into from time to time. I know a lot of people who carry their cameras and take some wonderful pictures, but there are also people who don't seem to understand when it is and is not appropriate to take pictures.
Case in point: I went to a concert last Friday at Revolution Hall in Troy. The concert itself was wonderful and I had a great time (they played my favorite song as an encore and I danced and danced, met a ton of people and just had a blast overall). The problem was one minor annoyance.
You all know that I'm a performer, what you may not know is *how long* I've been one. Most of my life, in some form or another. As such, one thing that I know from experience is that when you are onstage, flash photography is one of the most distracting things that can happen. They tell you this during plays. Most concert halls have specific rules against *FLASH* photography. If I'm performing, and there is a moment of bright flashing lights, not only can I not see what's going on (as with anyone who gets a flash to the face), I may become highly distracted. There are legitimate reasons why flash photography is not allowed.
Well, at this concert, some budding amateur photographer decided that it would be a good idea to jump up on stage with his digicam, get in the faces of the performers and take as many flash pictures as he pleased. I don't believe that this guy was a professional or, frankly, he would have 1) known better and 2) had a better camera. He moved all over the stage trying to get good angles flashing the band members over and over again. One or two seemed to avoid his antics by keeping their heads down and/or turning away, but this guy was incessant.
I was blown away. It was all I could do to restrain myself from accosting this guy for being so completely inconsiderate. I mean, even my PHONE has a level adjusting feature that allows me to not *need* a flash in most situations. The stage lighting should have been more than enough, and probably would have made for much better photos. *shakes head* People are stupid.
I think there was a point at some time, even to this tangent. It is, however, long gone now.
~FG };^>
Posted at 23:49 by FyreGoddess
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I may have already written this post. In fact, I wrote a post earlier that I have since decided to scrap after several conversations and comments got me to thinking (heh, go figure).
Last night a friend of mine called me "long-winded" in reference to my blog. He's not wrong. Several people in the past few days have told me I'm a good writer. Honestly, if I wasn't, I wouldn't write ;-) At least one person has expressed surprise at how much of myself I put forth in my blog. All of these things combine to make me rather introspective, as I have been for the past couple weeks, at least.
I write this blog because it's the only form of a journal that I've been able to keep. I think that part of that is that I'm just as free to post diatribes and essays on topics that don't fit into the standard journal format. It's a free-for-all, basically, with little to no rhyme or reason other than it all comes from me. Hence, the title of the Blog, Ramblings of Fyre.
I read an article recently that discussed anonymity in the internet age and the lengths to which some people have gone to ensure their continued anonymity. I do not have that luxury, nor am I sure that I want it. If people look for my real name, they won't find much, but if they know to look for FyreGoddess, there is a wealth of information. I have made a name for myself in certain areas on the internet with this very handle. It's one I'm starting to feel I've owned and there's a persona that I've developed over the years that I really like. Part of me resents how easy it is to find me, but there's an even larger part of me that *really* resents the pseudo-FyreGoddesses that exist out there... many of whom are no longer in existence. I've been building this persona for 6-7 years. It's mine now.
Example: I just now ran a Google search on FyreGoddess. Out of the first 10, only two (one of them a sub-link) were not me. In the second 10, four are not me and they come up Page Cannot be Displayed and one of them might have been me, I tried to log into the forums, but it said the username does not exist. Further weeding through leads to many broken links which may or may not have once been me and many, MANY references that are, in fact, me.
It is mine now. I don't think I want to lose that. I've put a good bit of effort into gaining whatever bizarre internet status that I have. I don't think I'd give that up for anything. If that means that people know me, so be it.
Back to the point...
I do post personal things. I let my guard way down in my blog because it's a safe place for me. This is where I come to download the thoughts and information that cycles through my head, otherwise being much more difficult to sort through. I can let my words flow and see where they take me and, believe me, not everything gets posted. If you were to ask Miz or Girl or any one of a couple other people, you'd find that there's a whole lot that I do NOT say out loud (or, type in the blog?) because it's just too dangerous. Some things are not for public consumption. I've addressed that in another (recent) post.
But I have been introspective lately. I've been doing a lot of soul searching in my downtime and that surely comes through in my blog. I don't think I've written as many essays or op/eds as I would like to, but this stuff is important too.
Sometimes I think about the fact that other people are coming here and reading my words, sifting through whatever tedium I'm trying to make interesting and I wonder if I should maybe instead have two blogs. One for the personal stuff and one for the other stuff, but I don't think that's the answer. It would mean I would be more divided and, likely, one or the other would suffer. I also think that if people are going to read whatever it is I have to say, they're probably reading me for my style, not my content... and if they are reading for the content, and reading the details and introspection, then they must be wanting to know more about me... or at least captivated by the words I use to put that information forth.
Yeah, sometimes it's personal, maybe even surprisingly so, considering how little anonymity I actually have on the internet, but sometimes it's not. And no matter if it is or isn't, there you sit, reading whatever random spew that I've put up here for today... and some of you keep coming back for more.
I guess that's all that really matters... that, and the fact that I keep this blog for me. I just let you in.
~FG };^>
Posted at 19:27 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, October 17, 2005
When I fall in love, it will be forever...
"Or I'll never fall in love again..."
Or at least, that's how the song goes. The first line, the title of this post, that I can agree with. Every time I fall in love with anyone it is for forever. Even when the relationship is over, the feeling of love lingers. Not that I would ever want it back, but I don't think it ever really goes away either. I'm not sure how to put it into words, but people change and the "in love" part, I think for me, still applies to that person that I originally fell in love with, even though, probably, that person doesn't exist anymore.
After posting recently here about people I care about and associating them (in my mind, not in my blog) with people from my past who have meant the world to me, I find myself wrapped up in thinking about all the people I have loved over the years... many of whom I have lost somewhere along the way.
There's one person in particular who keeps coming up for me. He is my "what if" guy... He's the one I loved more than anything and, had circumstances been different, my entire life would not be what it is today.
We were best friends. We spent most of our time together, even though we had our own interests outside of each other, we always came back to each other. We shared dreams and stories and hopes, we would sit together, with me on his lap and just watch the clouds go by. We were madly in love with each other without ever knowing that the other felt the same way. But I had a boyfriend, and he was dating several people and it never came to that point with us. I loved him, he loved me and neither one of us ever, and I mean EVER, acted on that or even said a word. The day I left for Michigan to be with, what I thought at the time was the love of my life, he begged me to stay and asked me to marry him.
I'm not sure I took him seriously at that point... I think it scared me far too much to even begin to think about things on that level. But looking back, I do think that part of him really was serious. And, you know, in some ways it completely broke my heart to turn him down. Had circumstances been even slightly different... well... that's why he's the "what if" guy.
I still love him, I'm still in love with him (or at least who he used to be) even though we have lost touch. I think that I always will (be). I don't know if I'll ever actually have an opportunity to tell him that, but some part of me holds out an unrealistic hope of that ~*someday*~ I periodically go looking for him, and sometimes I find him and make contact... contact that lasts for some short period of time and then peters out again.
Last time I saw him, he had a girlfriend and *I* was single... he was pining and ending it, but he was in no place to be with me... on any level. I didn't really get to see him at all during that trip until it was time for me to leave. At the end, though, when we were together and really hanging out, it was totally like old times... and all those old feelings came back to me. I didn't tell him how I felt then. I couldn't cause him the pain, in this already painful moment, that I had gone through when he did it to me. I am thinking about whether or not it's worth it to try to find him again.
I'm always going to have that wondering in the back of my head. "How come we never dated?" Even though I know the answer... we were madly, though unrequitedly in love with each other. And neither one of us ever said or did a damn thing about it... at least, not until it was time to move on, anyway.
That's the thing for me. We were in love with each other for YEARS. I don't know that either of us knew that the other was in the same place at the time, but we kept that secret forever and ever... from each other... maybe even from ourselves, individually. I don't think I want to go down that road again and wonder, years after the fact, "Why didn't we ever date?" Because these days that answer is not nearly as clear cut as it was 15 years ago. These days the answer is little more than "I'm a fucking chickenshit and can't say anything because I'm paralyzed from fear." Hah. Lovely.
No, I certainly don't want to go through this again. I've been in love with K for 15 years... and probably will be for the rest of my life. Falling in love with someone else has left me thinking about this whole scenario. I don't want to pine forever about yet another love...
~FG };^>
**A note here. I wrote this several days ago in response to an unasked question... sort of. Every time I think about actually posting it to my blog and making it open to my readers to see, I change my mind. I have no good reason for that, but I tend to trust my instincts, they rarely lead me astray. I've been updating and editing this post quite frequently since I originally wrote it, perhaps in the hopes of getting it "right". If this ever actually does get posted publicly, keep in mind it's been shelved for some time for reasons I don't entirely understand.**
Posted at 22:14 by FyreGoddess
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
That's a line from a book I recently finished, but it's a sentiment that I've been thinking about today. Girl actually brought it up for me, in some sense.
I don't think that the majority of people in this world actually live in the real world. I think there are a lot of people who live a fantasy and think that it's real life. They work their 9 to 5 and they do the good marriage thing and they think that they've got some semblance of normalcy and that everything outside of that is somehow bizarre. But I choose the believe that the semblance of normalcy is anything but.
I work my 9 to 5, I spend many of my evenings/nights playing the rock and roller. I raise my son to be as good a person as he can be, I spend time doing things I enjoy with people whose company I enjoy. Why is that not normal? Is it because I choose not to repress myself á la society's standards? Is it because the things that I enjoy doing are sometimes things that people don't understand? Because the truth is that people think I'm weird, simply because I try to live a life that is enjoyable to me.
I think there are far too many people in this world who create some sort of ideal of normalcy based on what they see on television, read in the paper or in novels or on what other people tell them is "right". I think there are far too few people in this world who define normal or right based on their own true beliefs and choose to allow others to create the definitions for them. I think that a lot of people wind up giving up certain aspects of themselves in an attempt to fit some mold that, really, no one ever fits.
Why is this the "right" thing to do? Why is it only acceptable to hide who you are inside, to hide the reality of yourself in the hopes of fitting into some fantastic ideal that no one can ever achieve?
I choose not to. I choose to make my dreams reality, rather than making reality my dream.
If that makes me weird, so be it.
~FG };^>
Posted at 19:00 by FyreGoddess
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Friday, October 14, 2005
Oh good grief. THREE DAYS of crap.
So, in my office, I only have half of the workstation that every other person in this office has. I have half the surface area, no drawers... just a small desk. Factor in the two monitors, phone, keyboard, mouse and the fact that my computer sits on my desk and you can imagine that I have no space to work with, really.
Ok, so I get targeted for an ergonomic evaluation and they're complaining that I'm not very good at all. I complain that I'm the only one in the office that has to try to cope with this severe lack of space, so they arrange for me to get the rest of my workstation. Perfect, right?
Yeah... well...
So last night, before I left, I took everything apart. Dismantled the computer and all the components and I stashed it all under my desk. The desk should have been put together first thing this morning (before I even got in).
It's 11:45. I've been in for 3.5 hours... most of which was spent waiting for a laptop that doesn't even have what I need on it to do my job. I can't accomplish anything, people keep trying to call to get this taken care of and, here I sit, entirely unproductive, due to NOTHING on my part except trying to follow instructions.
Wednesday was totally a Wednesday... I haven't had one in a while... spent most of it crying and didn't go to the open mic, but I did get a new song written and finished, which I guess is a bonus. Thursday was a day of running late and minor annoyances and crappy things every time I thought it was starting to get better.
Today, on top of my desk, I'm frustrated about a number of things, annoyed with people who are just... I don't know, getting on my LAST NERVE... and I swear to you, I cursed an entire elevator full of people.
Slacker Friday it may be, but all I want is to gain some feeling of productivity.
I just want to work. How many people can say that on a Friday?
~FG };^/
Posted at 11:49 by FyreGoddess
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Monday, October 10, 2005
Those of you who know me personally know me to be one of the most upfront, honest and blunt people on the planet. If I take exception to something going on, whether it's an action or a phrase, you can generally count on the idea that I will say something about it. I'm pretty steady and reliable about that sort of the thing, most of the time.
*Most of the time.*
That said, I can be an incredibly subtle person, especially when I don't want to put someone directly in the spotlight.
As I've said before, I have no idea who actually reads this blog. There's only one person who actually subscribes (see the text box on the right-hand side? putting your email address in that box and submitting it will send you notices when I actually update.) and only about 3-4 people who talk to me about my blog and my entries herein. Factor in the handful of people who comment (at least 3 of whom fall into the other two categories) and that leaves me with knowing only about those who actually *tell me* that they read it (*pointed glance in someone's general direction*).
The hit counter keeps on climbing. This tells me that there are significantly more people reading me than I have any kind of knowledge, or even suspicion, of. I know that a couple friends have links to my blog on their sites, others find me through Stratics, BlogDrive users see my name on the recently updated list, and people who know me may Google "FyreGoddess". I'm honestly not difficult to find.
I'm also not particularly difficult to decipher most of the time, either. Again, it's about whether or not you know me personally. I strive to make this entire thing easy enough to follow and read without knowing the key players in any given set of circumstances, but those who know my life and the people in it will often make connections that others simply cannot. A mention of a scene will automatically tie in with a story I told about a specific person, a quirk or defining part of someone will easily lead to "Oh, she's talking about so-and-so". That's fine. I assume that people will do that... so much so that sometimes the connections aren't quite made, possibly because I am too vague... sometimes, I think, because the communication up to that time simply is not there.
It came to my attention this weekend that another friend of mine does, in fact, read my blog. I knew he *had*, but I didn't know that he did regularly. This particular person has been a topic, or at least a mention, in several recent posts, but wound up saying to me "OMG, I didn't know you were talking about me." And that's the thing... if I'm talking about you, you may never even know, simply because I omit the pertinent details to protect the identities of just about everyone. Not just from themselves, but from others who read here.
I have personal rules when it comes to my own blogging. I will never intentionally humiliate anyone. IM conversations are off-limits unless I have express written permission. Phone conversations or face-to-face conversations may be paraphrased, but I will make every attempt to mask the identity of the person I was talking to if there's any chance that they will be embarrassed or somehow disclosed. I am far too loyal a person to hurt someone I care about in a public forum such as this... whether I know they read it or not.
The subtlety that I exhibit tends to manifest most often when it comes to my emotions. I'm a very private person, which many find difficult to believe, simply because, on the surface, I seem to be so open. It takes a lot for me to expose myself to people, and to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by others. There have been too many cases where I've been in that vulnerable state and been taken advantage of, or had certain thoughts or feelings used against me in very hurtful, painful ways.
I strive to not let that happen.
And yet, there are some people who draw it out of me... or, rather, who draw me out of that protective wall. They are few and far between, but once they breech the wall, they move to some inner circle that consists of my family and a very small handful of close friends. 9 times out of 10 it takes years for me to get to that point with someone. There's an evolution of friendship and trust that eventually turns into a feeling of safety that allows me to consider letting them in. Sometimes there's an event that prompts it, usually from them letting me in and, without saying it, letting me know that it's safe to return that courtesy and friendship. I would say that something like this usually happens once every year or two at most.
In this past year, I have let two people in that far.
This is virtually unheard of for me. Not just in my adult life, but in my *entire* life. I learned, very early on, because of my unusual upbringing that getting close to people only ever leads to heartbreak. If I don't leave, they do. It's taken me probably 20 years to understand that sometimes you have to take those risks to claim the rewards that are offered, but it still scares me and it still leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
These two people in particular are interesting to me, simply because of how quickly I let them in and how it all came about. First and foremost is support in endeavors that are very important to me. Asking questions, giving feedback and simply being a shoulder to lean on has been a huge step in that, but there's also little things - events or comments or just those undefinable moments that make one of us say to the other "I understand that. I know you think that no one does or would, but I've been there." Those moments are so incredibly rare and important.
So here are some messages to these two new people. Things I doubt I'll ever say out loud, not because I'm afraid to, but simply because I just don't do that sort of thing the way I know I should.
1) You don't read my blog (at least, you haven't yet), so I may have to one day say these things out loud, although I know you have told me in the past "You know, Fyre, I really should read your blog one of these days..."
I didn't want to trust you. I didn't know that I could. Honestly, from early on, though I was drawn to you, you never struck me as the type of person that would hold a deep secret if it held no meaning to you. You showed me differently, and maybe it took us sharing a secret together, or maybe it took you sharing your secrets with me, but I trust you more than I've trusted anyone new in a very long time. You let me cry on your shoulder. You made me feel safe enough to do that... and that's not something that I feel very often. You are on a very short list of people I feel comfortable enough with to really let my feelings *show*, and you were able to see them cross my face before anyone else did. The best part about that was that it was ok with me that you saw that... simply because it was you.
If you had told me how close I would feel to you now, I wouldn't have believed it, but you are a very good friend to me, and I hope that I can be as good a friend to you when you need it.
2) You, I know, will actually read this. That makes it harder... almost like saying it right to you, which I would, if I thought that the opportunity would arise.
You are unlike anyone else I've known in more ways than I can define. I trusted you very much very early on. Not necessarily with secrets, but with something that I can't put my finger on... maybe reality... no, not reality... maybe truth? It's rare for me to find anyone who feels that "safe", especially so early on, but you took me in and helped me out when I didn't even know that I was looking for anything and maybe I wasn't, but it was nice to find regardless.
When I'm around you, I really like who I become. There are some toxic people in this world who make those around them crazy or poisoned. There are very few who can affect others in a positive way. I don't know what it is, and I think that there's a good chance that defining it would cause it to lessen, but you affect me... you make me better. That is something so rare that I think I've only ever found it once before... but that's a story for another time. This is about you.
I let you in and you made me cry. That's something that I have a very hard time forgiving from anyone, but instead of my usual reaction to curl up and hide behind my walls, once we got there I instead made the effort to open the door even further and, this time, really let you in. I cannot put into words how difficult that is for me to do. I only hope that you can understand what that means coming from me, that I went against every deep-seated instinct that I have developed over the years (decades) because that's what you needed from me.
I think I'll stop right there because anything more and this will become your personal ego-entry, and this blog is supposed to be about me, dammit.
So this is how we do...
Keeping people masked from anyone who doesn't know the background. Keeping things in check when too much disclosure might hurt someone I care about. Keeping it vague because I know I'll remember the details with only a little prompting of the circumstances. Keeping the extent of the emotions under wraps so as not to show vulnerability or weakness to those who may be in a position to use it against me.
This is how we do...
Emotions are personal and need to be evaluated before they can be felt/dealt with. Perceptions of what can be construed as weakness cause me to shut myself off and become very cold. A sheet of ice as a layer of protection to fend off or maybe counteract the warmth that emanates from inside of me, regardless of whether I want it to or not.
This is how we do...
On the internet, they say, you can only get to know someone based on what they show you. I think that in most of my life I've always done that. You can't really know (hurt) me if I only show you what I want you to see. It takes effort for me to provide anything more than that... to anyone. And since people don't know these things about me, for the most part, they also don't know how much it means for me to actually let people in, beyond the superficial.
This is how we do.
~FG };^>
Posted at 18:05 by FyreGoddess
Link Me.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
I am not nearly as much of a Gemini as Miz wants me to be. I am far too much of a Virgo in nature to allow the rising sign to come through the way she thinks it should.
Yeah, whatever, Miz.
~FG };^>
Posted at 22:29 by FyreGoddess
Link Me.
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