I feel like I want to cry. I know I should eat, but I'm not hungry. I tried to read, but I couldn't concentrate. I tried playing my guitar, but my fingers are stupid and the motivation simply is not there. Nothing sounds right, nothing feels right, nothing...
I know what's causing it, or at least what's contributing to it, but I can't do anything about it. It's not my move anymore. The only thing that's actually within my power to affect still relies on other people or at least circumstances I cannot control.
I've lost interest, overnight, in several things that mean the world to me. I'll keep going, keep trying, but I don't know how much I care anymore. About anything right now.
I didn't miss this place. I didn't miss these feelings. I have confirmation of people and things that are wonderful additions to my life and I simply DO NOT care about any of them. My mind warps the feelings I have and makes things darker than they need to be.
I'm hurt, I'm depressed, people are noticing. "Fyre, you're not your usual bubbly self lately." What do you say to something like that? I could tell them that it's too hard to keep that up all the time. I could tell them that it's not fair to rely on me to always be the sunny one. More likely I'll just brush it off with "Yeah, whatever" or a simple shrug and leave them dazed and wondering what happened to the cute, lively, bouncy woman who attempts to make everything better for everyone else.
Because, you know, it's rare that someone is able to do that for. It's rare that someone even makes the effort.
I am falling in. And this time, I don't even know that I'll bounce. There's some measure of comfort in that darkness. It's a lot easier to dwell down there than to try to attempt to climb back out.
~FG };^/